Tag Archives: noah

Trust (apparently part two because I’ve used this subject recently)

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Every so often Noah goes through and rereads my archive. I think this is a bit frightening as I know how much I have written. When I notice that he is doing this I tend to copycat. Honestly, I shouldn’t. I should simply smile and nod and let him read because he gets something out of it. I don’t get good things out of it. I get weird and insecure. I find things he said years ago and I want to point at them and say, “See! You said that! That’s why I get upset!” But that is an awful thing to do. Noah is allowed to change his mind and grow as a person and do different things now. I don’t need to take previous statements about “poly is non-negotiable” (dude has actually said it. I could point at dates.) and treat them as currently true. Because it isn’t currently true. Noah doesn’t feel that way at this point. Given how his life worked then I can see why it wasn’t negotiable then, but a lot has changed. I need to trust him.

Not quite two years ago Noah and I went through a rough patch. I was really awful to him. I did some things I’m not very proud of. If a good friend of mine came to me and said they were being treated the way I was treating Noah I would tell them to run, not walk, to get out of the relationship. But he trusted me and he let me try to change things. He trusted that I loved him enough to work through what I was doing and stop hurting him. I hope his trust was well placed, I have certainly worked very hard at stopping that behavior. He trusts me.

Trust is hard and scary. In a relationship it’s so multilayered. I have to trust him and he has to trust me and we both have to be able to trust ourselves. Noah has certainly done everything possible to earn my trust. I don’t know that I have done as much to earn his trust, but he gives it anyway. I think the hardest part is trusting myself. Part of being able to trust myself has to come from knowing myself well. Right now in order to behave in the way that Noah deserves I’m going to stop reading his old lj stuff. There is nothing wrong with anything he wrote and I’m glad that record of his life exists. But I internalize things that are not about me and then create problems around that. That is something that *I* do that is not his fault or really about anything he has said. I’m not going to do it this time. I’m going to trust that I made the right decision in having a relationship with him and that he is completely telling me the truth because that is what he does. He tells me the truth when it will make me angry, when it hurts me, and when I would really rather he lie. So I have every reason to trust him and to trust my faith in him.

I picked a good man. I picked a man who is willing to work through just about any level of hardness to stay with me. It doesn’t matter what was said five years ago or three years ago. What matters is what he has said consistently since the day we got married. He has lived up to his promises. Ok. Breathe. And no being a buggy weird bitch when he gets home.

Just another day in paradise.

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So I’ve been feeling boring lately because all I write about is complaining about boredom. So I’ve been thinking about things.

This is what it feels like to have everything I always wanted. I have the best husband ever in the history of the world. He is supportive, communicative, willing to do anything I ask, and he’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had. That’s not a combination I thought existed. I win.

I’ve wanted to have a baby for a long time. Ok, so I haven’t had the easiest pregnancy in the history of the world–but by and large it’s not so bad. I’ve actually been aware of the bedrest risk since before I got pregnant. I have Menieres and it’s super common to end up on bedrest. It gets increasingly common as you get older which is why I needed to start having babies fairly young. (I don’t actually think that my preterm labor was related to the Menieres, but the risk was present for me anyway so I’m not as shocked as I could be.) And for all that my pregnancy isn’t the easiest it hasn’t actually been that hard. Given the prize I have at the end of the journey it’s been worth absolutely all the difficulty.

I may not live in the house of my absolute dreams, but I live in a comfortable house. We own this house and can afford the mortgage. We have all the financial safety I ever frantically aspired to. Sure, as soon as my ability to eat settles down we need to go back to cooking and stop eating out all the time, but I won’t want to go out with a baby anyway. 🙂 For now I am getting to eat out as much as my poverty-stricken-inner-little-girl wants to. This is cool.

I have amazing friends. They are supportive and awesome. When I put up a message asking to borrow DVDs within 24 hours I had more than 50 of them delivered to my house. If I were up for being social I could see people seven days a week and have good quality time with each person if I wanted. That’s really amazing to me.

So yeah. I’m happy. My life is really great. Yeah, I get angsty sometimes but that’s becoming a lower a lower percentage of my time because when I stop to think about what I have I am blown away by how awesome my life is.

And now I go snuggle my Noah.

{dirtier} An overshare, because I can.

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A while ago I squeed about making Noah come with oral.

I didn’t mention a couple weeks when I did it again. But last night I did it again. This means that I have now made him come from oral more times than anyone else!!! I’m number one! I’m number one! *cough*

This wouldn’t be such a big deal if he didn’t announce that he is one of those “Doesn’t come from oral” guys except in freak occurrences. I think it is fairly safe to say that I have figured out the knack. Awesome. It’s actually getting easier because I have indeed figured out the trick to it. 🙂

Have I mentioned that I’m excited that as most of sex is much harder and more difficult I’m massively grateful that something is working better than normal?

Just another day in paradise.

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Our only concession to VD was to give one another silly cards. Technically, I do this randomly sometimes so it isn’t that big of a stretch. He did bring home flowers, but…. he does that every so often too. (I REALLY like getting flowers, so he probably does it in the neighborhood of once a month.)

We had pizza bites for dinner. I made brownies so we had brownies a la mode for dessert. We danced around the living room when silly music came on. I won my first game of Monopoly ever!!! (I’m kind of excited about this. I *always* lose.)

It’s probably time to call it a night so we can rest up for the long, long, long……. weekend. 🙂 Hope to see lots of people this weekend! Maybe I’ll even be in a good mood! Offer me food. 🙂 I like chips and chocolate right now. 🙂

Just noticing

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I met Noah just shy of four years ago. (It’ll be four years in another week or so.) He asked me to marry him ~ 23 months ago, so close enough to two years. Besides, even that time period where I wasn’t dating him I was still obsessed with him and writing g-blog entries about how in love with him I was.

I’m still giddy when I see him. I pine for him if he works too long on a given day. We still talk for hours and hours and hours about nothing at all. Pregnancy complications aside, I’m still madly in lust with him.

Is this still NRE? Or is this just our relationship? I don’t take him for granted. I’m soooooooo grateful that I have him.

I win.

All + baby

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I told Noah last night that I really wanted to dance. He asked what the options were. I told him Merrie Pryanksters (I’m pretty sure it happened…) or BaGG. BaGG was the more interesting option. I had a lot of fun, he wasn’t miserable. We call this a win on a dance event. (He was so good. He played around, he tried to be social within the limited noise-allowance, and he flirted. So proud of him.) I danced! I didn’t feel sick! w00t!

Today I got my shiny new laptop!! YAY!!!! Which means that I get to start recollecting some of the stuff I haven’t bothered collecting in a few years because I figured I didn’t want to bother keeping it on a work machine.

So!

If I have ever had your contact information there is only about a 1% chance I have it now. Ok, I have phone numbers in my phone, but I don’t have addresses or email for almost anyone unless I have received an email from you pretty recently. It would be great to have that kind of data for people again. The comments on this post are screened so please give me whatever contact information you want me to have.

Yay!

QOTD

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I’m looking for maternity dresses online because I can’t find anything I like in stores. I found an adorable dress, but the company only makes clothes going up to a pre-pregnancy size of 10. Uhm, that’s not me. I told Noah and he said:

“I think this proves they are poopy-heads.”

🙂

Yay for the Noah

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Last night I was being very angsty and fussy. My Noah was awesome about listening to me fuss. He patted me on the head. He told me stuff I’m doing well. He validated my feelings. And he helped me type up the stoopid review questions. And did I mention that he did all of this after running around the house finishing up the stuff that needed to happen before staging today?

Have I mentioned that I married the best boy ever? Cause I did. Best. Boy. Ever.

In other news

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Tonight marks the first time that the Lizard has kicked hard enough so that I could be absolutely definite that I was feeling it and Noah could feel it too. This is so wonderful.

Have I mentioned that I’m really happy about having a family with Noah? I can’t imagine this being so wonderful in any other circumstance.

Amusing synchronicity

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Noah and I normally don’t really agree about what clothes look good on me. He is inherently biased towards the non-skinny chicks (I’m not really complaining) and that means that he appreciates how I look in clothes that I don’t think I look good in. I’m all biased by society’s standards that it is my job to be skinny or doomed to ugliness.

But! We have found a way we both appreciate how I look! I’m *thrilled* that I am looking more and more pregnant. I’ve been waiting for this for a very long time. Now when he says, “I think it looks great–but it makes you look very pregnant” I squee. Usually when he says I look great I doubt him. This is awesome.

Thankful

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I love to watch him sleep. He is so beautiful in repose. I look at the character that remains in his face even as he dreams. I love how broad his shoulders are; how easily he shoulders burdens with them–both his own and those he willingly, even eagerly takes from me. I like that his body is soft and comfortable to curl up against. I love the whimsy that lead him to get a barrel of monkeys tattoo.

I love that he can forgive me anything. I love that he will do anything for his friends, even as that same habit drives me crazy sometimes. I love how completely he gives himself over to lusting after me. I love that he embraces the changes in my body as beautiful in recognition of the life we created together. I love that he tolerates my mood swings and often difficult temper. He gives of himself more freely and openly than any person I have ever known. I love how he loves me with the open eyed glee of a child being given the best toy in the world.

What I am thankful for is that he was willing to humble his pride and ask me for a second chance when I was too afraid to ask him. I am thankful for the gift of him in my life. It is a rare day when a fight is bad enough to cause me worry about whether this will really work out. Even in those moments I am still grateful he asked for the chance.