Tag Archives: people

Half-baked ideas on social interactions

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I would love a conversation about this and for people to post their own experiences/conflicting opinions. 🙂

I was reading a thread on MDC about whether it is ‘rude’ to correct misinformation in a social setting. Specifically a chick was talking about how there is another mother in her mommy group who routinely spouts ‘facts’ about dealing with babies that are often not-great to flat out dangerous. So far no one in the group is willing to contradict her publicly. The course of the thread involves many many women saying, “Well if it is truly dangerous I might try to very tactfully redirect, but I never contradict people because it will make the others in the group uncomfortable.”

That. That right there is why I (and I project onto most of my closer female friends) do not get along with groups of women. If you are presenting something as a fact then it is either true or not true and pointing out the truth should not be rude. I think this avoidance of conflict is basically unhealthy. I know that this is the ‘just get along’ community minded stuff that women are known for, but I don’t see it as positive. I see this conformity-or-else mindset as what encourages misogyny amongst women. Most of my female friends are pretty quick to say that they don’t like women. When I point out that they are saying that to a woman they say, “Well not you.” I think this is what is really being objected to. Women who buy into this mindset seem to believe that being smart, being right, being a ‘know it all’ is something to avoid at all costs. Why? Why in the world is this a good thing? Noah made a long argument about how long ago in communal settings when women were getting together to do the work of surviving there had to be more consensus and getting along, but that’s not particularly relevant today. Noah points out that people just don’t evolve that fast, but pshhhh forget that noise.

This made me think a lot harder about Alpha dynamics in social groups and particularly in a mommy-group I tried to join. I regularly challenged the sitting Alpha when I disagreed with her and as a result people didn’t talk to me much. I stopped going because I was sick of having to support the one chick or just shut up. Not my thing. I have a lot of Alpha-type tendencies but I am really ok with other people being Alpha if they know more, if we are at their house, if I’m just not in the mood. So I think I am not a ‘true’ Alpha in the sense that most people use the word. But I am bossy and pushy and opinionated and ok with seeing that things happen. I think that my refusal to accept a set social position (Alpha or otherwise) and my insistence that groups remain dynamic in this sense is a lot of what makes me suck in groups. I just don’t fit in because I cannot and will not accept any set defined position.

It’s interesting. What do you think?

I needed that.

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I’ve been feeling very fussy about a few social interactions lately. I’ve in fact been writing humongous long rants in response to them (they take a while–I think I’m up to page six on one of them and Shanna is a big distraction) and I think I’m just going to let it go. I got a message today that reminded me of the humanity on the other side of the behavior that bothered me and I need to let go of my internalized grudge. Now the work will be for me to not feel bad about the stuff I never got around to saying publicly. 😀

Intimidated

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Lately I’ve been feeling kind of lame because I don’t feel like I really accomplish all that much. Shanna is basically what I do. I keep house. Uhm… yeah. Not a lot else. When I see people posting about these humongous undertakings they are doing or how many hobbies they have I feel rather lame.

The internet just isn’t my friend anymore.

Rules for my sandbox.

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This journal is my space. I get to decide how it is used. If you object to the rules you are free to leave.

1. Do not assume a post is meant to solicit your opinion. Most of the time I am posting because I use this journal as a combination of safe space for me to work through my stuff/thoughts and a way for me to do record keeping. I have a weird/spotty memory and I have trouble keeping everything straight sometimes. I am good at using tags and at finding things again when I need them. Posting here does not constitute a request for anyone to tell me what their opinion is on any given topic. I do not write for an audience I write for myself. I choose to post publicly the things I write for myself because that is a medium that keeps me writing.

2. Be respectful in your tone. I post about things that some of my friends disagree with. I have the right to do that in my space. No one has the right to speak to me as if I am stupid in my space. If you think I am stupid, stop reading and go elsewhere. I am not trying to get everyone to agree with me or to approve of me. I am posting my thoughts and opinions. If you have different opinions by all means feel free to write about them in your journal. I will not go there and tell you that you are wrong or that you need to change them to be more in line with my opinions. If you want to engage in debate with me I suggest that you monitor your tone quite carefully. If I think you are being an asshole I will delete your comments and not respond to you. I’m not ok with my journal being turned into a space that causes me stress.

3. I am not completely opposed to debate. Sometimes debate can be really awesome. Most of the time I am content to leave the debate to other people who are able to do so more calmly than I can. There is one frequent commenter in particular (Mr. NotMyRealName) who can open debate on my journal at any time on any topic. This is because he never implies in even the smallest of particulars that I might be stupid. Even on topics where he feels a rather high level of frustration (it seems) he manages to still debate in a way that is respectful and polite to all involved. If you like debating on my journal it is worthwhile to watch for his posts because I could not possibly come up with a better example of the sort of disagreement/debate I welcome.

4. Don’t bother to leave a comment that begins with, “I think you should” because I am not interested in hearing it. If you really really want to give me advice on a topic where I have not solicited your advice you can leave a comment saying, “I’m really bursting with a piece of advice I want to give you. Is it ok to share it?” Sometimes I will say yes and sometimes I will say that it isn’t a good time. It isn’t a personal rejection if I am not in the mood to hear it. I regulate most of my life pretty carefully to avoid stress and my personal reactions to unsolicited advice are such that I need to minimize it wherever possible and I can only do that completely in some circumstances and I need to do that where I can.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I am not on any form of medication. I regulate these disorders by having a pretty firm control on my life and the stress points in my life. I am not always capable of responding in a completely “rational” manner to things that other people believe I should. I am always doing my best. Comments, tone, and attitude affect me far more than other people believe they “should”. It is absolutely completely and totally irrelevant to me if anyone believes that I “should” be able to do things in a way that I cannot. In other situations in my life (face to face interactions, other people’s journals, other forums, etc.) I do not get to have much control over how people interact with me and I deal with that. Here I get to have iron control and it is good for me. I do not care if you disagree with me about any of the ways I enforce rules in my journal. I need to do it and I do not need to assuage anyone else’s ego.

I probably should simply turn off comments entirely. They are frequently a source of stress for me. However, comments are frequently my main interactions with a large number of people I like very much. So instead I am asking that people who supposedly like me honor the rules I set down for my space. I will talk about things that will frustrate you, anger you, piss you off, annoy you, and make you want to smack me upside the head. I am not going to be silent just so you don’t have to have those feelings. Pretty much everyone who reads this is a grown up. You get to be responsible for your own feelings and you don’t get to tell me how I should change my opinions or actions so that you don’t have to experience any of those feelings of upset. They are yours to manage. You can set rules in your space for managing them. I am setting rules in my space for managing my own feelings. You can abide by them or leave.

The harshness of this aside, I do appreciate that my friends usually speak out of concern for me, Shanna, or whatever it is that I am talking about. I have intelligent, well-spoken friends. Many of you mean very well but your tone sucks. I am not saying that I hate any of you or that I don’t want interactions with you. What I am saying is that I want and need a space safe from criticism and hostility and I will get that even if I have to stop interacting with you to get it.

Boundary stuff

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I’ve kind of realized something recently. I’m having a lot of trouble with anxiety and frustration. I’m having a really hard time with mood swings. I think that a lot of the problem is that I am allowing myself to get into positions repeatedly where I feel like I ‘have’ to put up with stuff I don’t like. Where in the hell are my lauded boundaries?! I’m going to stop being in the position where I have expectations of flaky people. It’s bothering me a lot.

Noah has found a way to change some of the stresses within our lives and that’s really awesome. Go him.

I’ve thought quite a bit lately about trying psych meds again because of how bad things have been for me. But I don’t want to be on meds. I know what I need to do if I am going to stay off of meds. It’s going to involve stepping on a few toes and stating some boundaries in ways that might piss people off or hurt feelings but my sanity is worth that. I can’t be a good mom as long as I am blowing in the wind of other peoples indecision and moods.

I need to stop bitching about the people who suck and just cut them out of my life. It isn’t worth going up and down with them. I suffer from it. They aren’t worth it.

Wow, this is going to be complicated

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Shanna was talking about her vulva this morning and acting questioning (this is where her language skills get a bit muddy) and I said, “Yup all girls have vulvas.” And then I stopped. Actually, no. All girls don’t have vulvas. But most girls do. And very few boys have vulvas. Man. I think things are going to be complicated to explain to her.

Jealousy and cliques

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I realized something important tonight. I don’t think I am any more jealous of Noah going out on dates than I am of him gaming. I am just about equally as hostile to both. Well… ok so somehow I manage to actually verbalize and lash out more when it comes to the jealousy around other women. I think that part of the reason I feel more secure in being actively hostile towards him dating is because of the overall cultural/social acceptability towards being jealous of nonmonogamy. It’s not nearly so culturally acceptable to throw screaming temper tantrums about gaming, especially not in the very limited and controlled way he does it. That’s really interesting to think about. Ok, so I’m jealous. I’m so jealous I want to hit things (and I have) and I want to cry (and I have) and I want to make him hurt/angry/upset too (I think I did that too). Why am I so jealous?

I think it’s because this plays into some of my core insecurities. I don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel liked. Ok, I’m aware that people do like me. The readership of this journal alone won’t let me follow that pity party too closely. But how many of you do I see in a week? In a month? In the average year? Yeah. I don’t have a close group of friends. I’ve never had a close group of friends for any length of time. That came about because of moving around so much as a kid. I never learned how to deal with people on an extended basis. I can do short bursts and then I burn out quickly. I feel like I have to always be ‘on’ and let me tell you I am good at that act. I can be interesting, sexy, supportive, or obnoxious depending on what I think will play best to the crowd. I can’t do it for long though. In the past week and a half I spent not quite three days with a couple of friends and then about four days with a different couple of friends. I flipped out on both sets. I think that being overall kind of down contributed heavily to the fact that I didn’t have as much energy to be ‘on’ as I needed for those lengths of time. I desperately want to be able to do the long stretches of time with people but I always lose it. I want to crawl into a hole and hide because as I start running out of energy for putting on the front I get snappy which means that I start feeling bad about being mean which leads me to think about what a horrible person I am which makes me question why anyone wants to be friends with me anyway. This really is a sucky cycle. I don’t know how to change it.

Back to how this relates to Noah. Noah is the one person in my life I really trust to want to be around me. But he wants to spend time away from me doing things without me. It doesn’t really matter whether it is gaming or dating it hurts either way. Because knowing that he wants to go off without me makes me doubt that he really wants to be around me. It makes me feel like Noah is just one more person who can’t handle me because I am such an awful bitch. And when I feel like anyone doesn’t want to be around me because I am such an awful bitch it makes me get mean. And things cycle from there.

Ok. If I can look at the cycle that means I can find a way out of it. I’m just not sure where to start. Ok, I do know where to start. But he’s not home from his date yet.

Good people and Shanna update

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Yesterday I went to a birthday party and got to feel out of my depth in a really good way. The conversations were almost entirely on topics I find interesting (gardening, religion, law, taxes, human interactions, books) but they were all complex and complicated and going into specifics and examples I’d never heard of. Noah called it “deep humanities geeking”. I think I had a nerdgasm. I don’t think I impressed anyone at the event with my intelligence because I mostly listened with my mouth open in shock at how freakin cool the conversation was. 🙂 I think that was one of the best gatherings I’ve attended in years. I am rarely in the room with that many extremely smart people where computers were not a focus.

It was also interesting because I sort of knew a bunch of people there but didn’t know almost anyone well. That’s kind of awkward feeling to me. I keep rediscovering how socially awkward I am when I am not using sex/bdsm as an introduction to people. I’m not sure if it is a sign of low self esteem that my primary way of getting to know people is, “Hey–wanna fuck?” 🙂 It’s just awkward because I can’t use it anymore and so I don’t know how to get to know people. 🙂 Uhm, yay for learning experiences? It’s freakin hard to get to know people. One person that I knew at the party but whom I haven’t seen in years said, “So what are you doing with yourself these days?” I pointed at Shanna and said, “that.” “Oh, you’re a housewife.” See, this is why I feel like I am not very interesting these days. There is a world of scorn for how I spend most of my time. Oh well, I like it.

It feels repetitive to say, but Shanna is becoming more and more interesting. I have no worry about her liking books because she is really interested in them and she will sit and ‘read’ and talk to herself while Noah and/or I read. She’s also paying a lot more attention to her doll and the bigger apes lately. I’m not sure why, but she really likes going through her toys if they are all put away but if they are on the floor they are not as much of a draw. This drives me sorta nuts. It feels like she needs to go through stuff in the house creating as many messes as humanly possible. I’m pretty sure this is developmental though so I try not to let it get to me. Instead I have made it really really easy to clean up her toys and I do that about fifteen times a day.

Yesterday I get to hold one of the little twins for a few minutes before she was unhappy with me and she felt much like Kidlet–super solid. Shanna feels so mushy and soft compared to other kids to me. It’s really interesting feeling how much difference there is between different little kids in terms of how muscle/fat feel on the body. I know this variation is normal and to be expected but I have so little experience with babies/little kids that I’m continually surprised. 🙂

Shanna is eating like mad. It’s really interesting to me how much food she can pack away in that tiny little body. Sometimes when she is eating off of my plate I have to get more food because she has eaten enough that it makes a serious dent in my portion size. We make a whole extra egg now for breakfast because I think she eats a bit more than an egg and it was sucking to have that come out of my share. 🙂 I like watching how her eating is starting to be ruled by mood. There are times when she is just not in the mood for specific foods even though she will happily eat them at other times. She eats a wide array of foods that surprise me. She eats basically everything we eat except nuts, honey, and meat. She is fine and dandy with spicy and super strong flavors. I love watching her face when she eats pickles. 🙂

It’s also neat watching her start to have relationships with people other than me. She recognizes people now and goes to them. She loves Aunt Sarah and Aunt Marcie. She sees them more than anyone other than us and she responds to them. I think she would be even warmer towards Marcie if she saw her more. She doesn’t see my family enough to have a bond with them and that’s bugging my family members. They think she ‘should’ go to them more easily but I’m completely unwilling to push that. She’ll warm up at her own speed. When she’s around other babies/kids she is fascinated. I always feel kind of nervous because she really likes to flail and whack people pretty hard and I feel guilty when she does that to someone else’s kid. On one hand I know it is normal and developmental and not in any way mean. On the other hand–dude, my kid is smacking the hell out of other kids. I go back and forth between feeling like I should intervene (which mostly means keeping her far enough away physically that she can’t hit) and feeling like I should let her figure out how to interact. Especially when she is with an older kid I wonder if letting the older kid defend him/herself would be better. I’m not quite sure I’m up for treating it like Lord of the Flies and just letting them fight it out amongst themselves, but I do wonder about a certain amount of non-parental influence being better. I haven’t figured this out yet. I keep telling myself, “At least it isn’t biting.” But I shouldn’t say that cause who knows what she’ll be doing in a year. oy.

Overall this is still the best gig I’ve ever had. I’m really glad I get to stay home with her. And here are a few new pictures: Continue reading →

Eventful.

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When I got up I thought today would be boring. I thought I would go to Whole Foods with my neighbor and maybe hit the nursery (for plant matter–not baby). Well, it was a starting plan.

I went to the nursery this morning and spent quite a while figuring out what sorts of veggies to put into the pots in my back yard. I selected two varieties of tomatoes (one is best for paste the other is best for being more solid like and mixes in well for sauce), squash, sweet basil, oregano, sweet peas, and a neato sounding pepper. I was planning to try and put them into pots basically immediately but when I got home I was derailed by a phone call from my mother.

It turns out that a family friend died this morning. She was 79 and in extremely poor health so I can’t really call it a shock. My mother and I had been planning to go out to Oklahoma to see them this summer at a big birthday party. It turns out that we will instead be flying out on Tuesday for a funeral. It took a while to find reasonable airfares for both of us.

Then I went to Whole Foods with my neighbor. We both had a lot of fun wandering around looking at the sheer variety of pretentious food. Of course we both spent too much money. Oy. That place is dangerous. While we were there we ran into one of my former students. It was quite lovely as she danced with joy and told her three friends extensively about how I was the best teacher ever. She was not one of my most dedicated students so we spent a lot of time together in 8th period social club getting to know one another. 🙂 It was great to see that she is trying to go to college. On the ride home my neighbor told me, essentially, that I make her feel kind of stupid because I know so many things and can answer in depth questions on such a wide variety of topics. I think that it was made even worse when she figured out that I am seven years younger than her. I don’t think she is stupid, I think she is simply asking questions about things that I have researched and she hasn’t. Oy. But I helped her realize a few things about her marriage and that’s to the good.

I came home and spent a while talking to Noah about how frustrated he is at work right now. I wish there was more I could do to help him. Then I made the rest of the arrangements for the trip to Oklahoma. Then I sat down for a few minutes to catch up on the internet and I received a phone call from Debbie! This is always exciting. She lives in Taiwan right now so I don’t get to talk to her much. I’m glad that she has been awesome about keeping in touch with me. 🙂

Noah decided that it would be a good plan for him to go to the gym for a while after dinner because it will be a break from thinking. As he was getting ready to run out the door he casually mentioned that his parents are trying really hard to come out here for Shanna’s birthday.

It’s been a day.

Hot cereal and compassion

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Today I decided that I should probably not put my normal 2-3 tablespoons of refined white sugar on my cream of wheat. If I want my kid to eat less sugar I need to lead the charge. (In my defense: I use less sugar than my mother.) So I chopped up a couple of fresh strawberries and used two teaspoons of strawberry preserves. It was alright but not terribly sweet so I added a teaspoon of sugar. It was good enough for me. My hope is that with practice I won’t need the added sugar after a while. 🙂

As for compassion: I’m having a hard time finding compassion for a mama of my acquaintance and I don’t feel good about my lack of compassion. Her son is six weeks older than Shanna and she hit postpartum depression about a month ago. I’ve talked to her about depression in general, coping skills and vitamins/supplements that tend to help and that’s all fine. I’m having a hard time because she is on disability leave from her job and she is not spending any time with her son. She continues to send him off to his grandparents every day (they are in their late 70’s) and she stays home by herself. I have a long history of depression but I always manage to do the things that have to be done. I have never personally been so depressed that I neglected basic care for another person. On one hand, she is making sure her son is well cared for and that’s good. On the other hand: she’s not taking care of her son, her husband and his parents are. I feel guilty about judging her because I haven’t walked in her shoes and it isn’t my place. On the other hand it’s hard for me to supply the compassion she deserves when she comes to my house crying.

I feel conflicted. I almost want to tell her that being depressed in no excuse to pawn off care of her son. I wouldn’t do it no matter how depressed I was. But that’s me. I have no idea what it is like to live in someone else’s head so I shouldn’t be such a snot.

URGH!

Perspective

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My neighbor (the one with a son six weeks older than Shanna) came over for a bit this morning. She’s having postpartum depression issues and she wanted to ask me for advice. It turns out that my impression of her thoughts about me were pretty far from the mark. She started telling me about all the ways she has taken my advice so far. She started telling me about how she “just isn’t as creative as [me]” which almost made me laugh. Me? Creative? She asked me what she should do to handle a few issues that are coming up with her son. She asked me how I deal with not having much of a mom in my life. It was interesting.

It was one of those things where I stopped and thought, “Hunh, maybe I should stop assuming people dislike me.”

Not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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A chick is going on the outing tomorrow who I am not thrilled about seeing. On one hand I feel kind of growly about having to deal with her. On the other hand seeing for myself how isolating being a parent can be I don’t want to deny her the opportunity to meet new people.

HAVING COMPASSION IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

wanna be selfish. damnit.

Memeish

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Say something nice about each of the last five people you’ve “broken up with” – romantic break-ups, friendships, whatever.

See, this is the sort of meme I can really get into. 🙂 I’m including me initiating the break up and times when the other person initiated.

E: went far out of his way for me as a boyfriend and as a friend. Tolerated all the quirks I threw at him with a grin.
T: one of the best people I have ever known. He gave me the love and support I needed to grow past my childhood.
J: always willing to be supportive no matter what was happening. He likes people more than almost anyone else I’ve dated and that was neat to be around.
P: he cooked well. I just wish he had been happier about me eating the results. *sigh*
A: gave me the opportunity to find out about a part of myself I had never experienced before. I appreciate the efforts made to accompany me along such a bumpy road. 🙂

I was tempted to put Noah on here. Chronologically he is one of the last five. I decided that was cheating. 🙂

The universe is hard sometimes

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I have a lot of friends who are hurting lately. They are hurting in a myriad of different ways. Relationships are not happening or ending or rocky or just generally hard. Some are having rough times with kids or lack of kids. Jobs are not terribly stable. Living situations are not terribly stable. People are feeling lonely or sad or depressed or anxious.

I’m going to steal words from a friend for a minute, because they are good words: I love all of you, even those I don’t.

If you read this and you need to talk to someone, I’ll listen. I can do it without giving advice or criticism. No really, I can. 🙂 If you just can’t handle it in the middle of the night–it’s ok to call. Many of you have supported me through my darkest days and the only way I can repay my debt to the universe is to pass on that support. I would like to be able to fulfill my debt someday and it’s going to happen piece by piece. Maybe starting with you.

Awesome weekend + Group Identity

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Saturday I did Christmas shopping in the morning while Noah gamed then we had a chore filled afternoon and a mellow evening. It was really nice. Sunday I had a great morning with farmer’s market and dim sum. Then I went up to the city by myself. This was our first lengthy mommy-time-off. It worked out fantastically well in my opinion. 🙂 I got to go to the graduation of a wonderful friend from a program that has been very important to her. I was happy and proud to be a witness to her recognition. Yay!

This was from a leather organization and there were several speakers. Five total. The first was a guy I have known for a few years and it was about what I would expect. He’s a really cool guy and I know how important this program is for him. I’m really happy he is so successful. The second was a guy I have seen at cons variously. I wanna talk about him a little.

He (I’m preserving anonymity consciously) is one of the best speakers I have seen in or out of the leather community. Let me tell you–he can sell me any kool-aid he wants. I was ready to line up at the pitcher when he was done talking. He has a beautiful voice and a compelling personality. I believe that the reason he is so compelling for me (and maybe for other people too, it’s hard to judge this sort of thing) is that he is completely at peace with himself and the world. He is a Leather Man. It has helped him feel his place in the universe. He doesn’t judge anyone else for what they do or don’t do. He doesn’t seem to feel superior because he is a Leather Man, he just feels that he is being as true to himself as possible by walking that path. I admire the degree to which he is self-actualized. I admire him the way I admire many people of faith.

Two of the other speakers were exactly what I would expect from this sort of ceremony–friendly and loving towards the people they know but not otherwise extraordinary. Good, solid people with friendly advice. They made me smile. Then we got to the last speaker. He very much meant well and the affection towards him in the room was palpable. Unfortunately, he had exactly the sort of tone that bothers me. Whereas the other major speaker had specifically said that we (I surmised the leather community) shouldn’t have enemies, this person encouraged us/them thinking. He talked about how the graduates are joining the ranks of those who “get” leather. I believe that I understand what he was trying to do and if I were part of that group I would probably smile and nod. But I’m not. And I felt alienated. And when I feel that way about a group I no longer have any interest in joining. I don’t want to do the us/them thing.

I think that this sort of us/them thing exists to fill the same hole churches used to fill. People want a sense of identity with a group and that used to be religion. Honestly, I feel that these sorts of groups are religious in nature whether they mention God or not. There are many groups out there that fall into this category in my mind: Journeyman, AA, Landmark, HAI, Masons, Burning Man, hell even Weight Watchers.

You know what? I don’t want to belong. I don’t want to be a joiner. I don’t want to need a community to set my sense of self. I’m thrilled for my friends who are happier in these communities, but I don’t want to be one of them. It’s an interesting thing to think about.

Choices

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So the neighbors two doors down have a son who is six weeks older than the munchkin. I went with the mama to Gymboree today. It was silly, but I’m going to give it a shot for a little while because it will be something concrete in my week to do and a reason to socialize with other parents who have kids the same age and who are actually near me physically. Dude. Concept.

This means I ended up talking to my neighbor a lot. She’s very insecure. She’s very nice–don’t get me wrong, but insecure. I feel like I am going to spend a lot of time validating her. Today the biggest theme was “Am I bad because I want to work” and I kept telling her that it’s ok that she wants to work. Hanging out with a baby all the time is bloody boring. It’s ok that you don’t find babbling intellectually stimulating; no, you are not a bad parent. She asked how I can handle it then. I had to laugh. It’s not as if my job was about adult interaction anyway. 🙂 I told her that it takes all kinds. I like to be able to control my days and do projects in my house and do things like cleaning during the day so that when Noah is home we don’t have to deal with much of the ‘work’ of life we can just play.

It is fascinating to me how people have trouble believing that their choices are ok. I’m in the same boat a lot of the time so I’m really not criticizing. 🙂

And speaking of choices, I choose to go to New Zealand. This trip is made possibly largely through the largesse of a really awesome lady. I’m so excited.

My night for weird phone calls.

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And then I talked to another woman I know. She is a fairly new mom and she hasn’t been married that long. She expressed a great deal of shock that I am so consistently positive in talking about Noah. I recognize that very few people are as effusive about their mates as I am, but I always kind of chalk that up to people having more of a sense of decorum… but they feel similarly. She was really wistful when I talked about how I’m so positive about Noah because he has earned it. And she was really bitter when she talked about how I won’t feel so happy with him once I have a baby and he isn’t doing anything to help. I told her that I would be absolutely shocked if Noah was less than helpful because it would be a 180 in his personality. She was skeptical and almost hostile.

She was also really negative when I was upbeat about prodromal labor and that I’m feeling pretty well and I feel like I just don’t have that much to complain about with pregnancy. She was miserable and pissy by this stage and she doesn’t understand why I’m not. When I told her that I see no point in being pissy and upset by having to wait on the baby because “This too shall pass” she told me that everyone will be throwing that in my face once the baby comes when something is terrible. I said that it’s true and that I try to remember in bad moments that they aren’t going to go on forever. She then got quiet and sad and said, “Maybe you’re just better at all this than I am.” I told her that I will probably be better at some things but that I will suck compared to her at other things–there is no use in comparing.

I feel really sad for her. I feel really sad that her life has gone this way and that she has become so bitter. I don’t generally think of myself as all that positive/upbeat/optimistic, but compared to her I’m Pollyanna. It’s interesting to get that perspective. I hope that she finds some peace.