Tag Archives: people suck

Wasting my degree.

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As I’m sitting down to read some Lacan (mofo is dense) I’m flashing back to a conversation I had last night which was like the 15th time I’ve had that conversation in the past few weeks. What do I want to do with my MA. Be a stay at home mom? But I will be wasting my degree!

*blink*

What the fuck is an MA in English supposed to be used for? Oh, teaching. Well, I know how much time and energy teaching takes and I think that energy would be better spent raising my kids. Oh! That makes me a traitor to feminism! Awesome. I hadn’t heard that feminism means having to tow the party line and work outside the home no matter what I want and no matter what is best for me and my children. I hadn’t realized that it is only ok to be a SAHM if I am uneducated and fit for nothing better. (Better? Is teaching better?) Although I have been assured that I could work at a variety of different jobs. It’s just a matter of finding the right one. But what if the right one for me is staying home with my kids? That’s not good enough.

I feel like asking people if it would make them happier if I just dropped out of school.

Mmmm drama

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Every so often I go through little periods where I get very upset about the fact that people are not honest. Noah takes it a little further and says they all lie. I like to stick with not-honest… it’s giving a bit more credence to their not meaning to do it. What I mean in this case is: people who say, “Oh, let’s hang out some time!” But then when you ask, and ask, and ask when they never want to see you. People who will say they are your friend, but then won’t act like a friend. People who deny the consequences of their behavior and say that “It isn’t my fault” when actually… it is your fault.

I go through cycles where I try to ignore this sort of stuff, but then every so often I get so fucking angry about it I can barely see straight. Usually by the time I get this mad I want to write off everyone in the whole universe. I hate people. Because even the people who are overall pretty decent still do stuff like this sometimes. People just don’t honor their word. I’m sure I’m not perfect about following through on everything, but I try really hard. And if I am not going to be able to do what I say I try not to say it. I don’t get the impression other people care as much.

It’s kind of funny, but when I go through these periods and I start thinking about the behavior of the people in my life I find that the people who actually behave like my friends are not the people one would automatically pick out of a crowd as my friend. They are the ones who show up when I ask them to and actually honor exactly as much of a commitment as they are willing to make. (People who are honest and say, “I would like to, but I can’t” get a lot of points with me because they are telling me the truth.)

I’d rather be told that someone isn’t my friend and deal with the sadness that brings than be lied to. Maybe I’m unique because it doesn’t seem like other people want to operate that way.

{inner circle} Thank god that is over.

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Maybe the best thing about moving is I will never have to deal with a DHP again. It was lovely seeing the 25 or so people I liked a lot. It was less thrilling seeing the 60 or so people I don’t know at all. Even less thrilling to see the 10 or so people I knew and don’t like. And the 3 or 4 people I don’t know who were specifically rude to me basically ended all fun for the party. Some bitch asked a question about the house or the party or something and I was sitting nearby so I answered. She turned to me and said, “And who the fuck are you?” I responded, “I live here.” She turned her back and ignored me. I think that part of the reason I get so mad when people lecture me telling me to be nice is that when she did this I got up quietly and walked away. That is actually what I generally what I do in those sorts of situations. I really wanted to say, “Get the fuck out of my house you stupid cunt.” But I didn’t want to ruin Noah’s party. 🙁

So I mostly hid back in my bedroom and declared it an invitation only space. Amusingly, for most of the time there were people standing in the door blocking entrance entirely unintentionally. That *won*.

And I tried to go to sleep around 11 with a little bit of success. I woke up around 1 needing to go to the bathroom and with a stomach ache. I’ve been up since then and not happy about it. 🙁 I don’t feel good and I can’t seem to calm down. I’m frustrated and angry and my back hurts and my stomach hurts and my head hurts and… And I didn’t find out till about 2am that Noah invited people to come back at 10 for breakfast. I’m torn between wanting to stay so that if that cunt comes back I can tell her to leave and leaving so I don’t have to deal with more stupid people. At the rate I’m going I wonder if I will sleep at all and that will distinctly lower my patience in general.

On the plus side, I think Noah and I just had the best sex we have had in a month. heh

{inner circle} Why stay?

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Some of the conversations I am having around the DHP are showing me why I don’t really need to stay in CA. I’m not slamming anyone, it’s ok that people have other priorities in their lives. It’s just making me realize how few people I actually consider friends. It isn’t that I am the best person about making it to events–I’m really not. Usually my reason for not going to events is that I am too tired to make it out of my house. I’m not trying to claim this is a morally superior reason. In fact, the people who have told me they would love to come to the DHP only X, Y, and Z are going on the days before and there is no way they will have the energy–that I really get. But “I already have plans with X friend I see every week” is… something I notice. I don’t think it is bad. Everyone needs to pick priorities and making sure that you follow through on solid commitments to the people who are your good friends is a wonderful thing. But I know that I am not one of the good friends.

Once upon a time I had a very active social life. If an event invitation was sent out I took it as a given that I would be going to the event. I didn’t prioritize much beyond “who sent the invitation out first” because I wasn’t actually close with 98% of the people doing the inviting. My life changed. Now I try hard to make it some events because I genuinely love the people and I skip everything else. This means I rarely go out. I am losing contact and priority among the people who have only been acquintances anyway. And my world has shrunk more quickly than I would have thought possible. I’m actually really ok with that.

There are people I am going to miss a lot. The funny thing is, some of the events I prioritze going to now, I will fly in for in the next few years because they are high enough priority. I’m really not going to miss the rest. And now that I am not going out constantly and people know that trying to fuck me is a futile effort I’m really not someone to draw a crowd the way I used to. That’s ok. Learning who your friends are is important.

Frustrated.

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My job takes a lot of time and energy in a thousand different ways. I have to deal with 150+ diverse personalities every day. I have to prepare material to start with and then later grade it. I have to deal with coworkers, many of whom I don’t like much. More and more kids are coming to me to dump their emotional problems. I’m glad I can help them, but it takes a lot of energy. (‘Nother kid today.) BTSA is going to be a serious pain in my ass, but I have to do it. At least my mentor doesn’t suck and I don’t have to repeat the stuff I did last year.

Having a house requires me to clean and fix stuff. I am supposed to prepare healthy food multiple times a day (yeah fucking right–we so eat out of the microwave). Noah has been doing way more than his share.

The Interloper is *not* being accepted by Puff. Which means that both cats are pissed constantly. This results in Puff hissing and not allowing affection and the Interloper is crying constantly and I am having fantasies of harming her. This isn’t good. The Interloper can’t remain in our household.

TNG Con stuff is starting to come faster and harder. I have less than 5 months until D-Day. I have a big job and people who want me to do stuff above and beyond my job. I want to cry or quit or something. I will never ever sign on for this shit again.

I’m sick of having fucking yeast infections constantly. It burns and itches. It is driving me nuts.

I’m sick of people telling me how to get pregnant. It is getting to the point where I am pretty nasty when people start lecturing me on what I “should” do to get pregnant. I don’t want to have sex anymore. Sex isn’t fun. It seems frustrating and disappointing.

I’m not in the mood to talk about how people interact and why it doesn’t work for someone or what they want to get out of their community. I feel like this problem is being laid at my feet and I don’t want to fucking hear it.

And we need to unpack from last weekend, but when? I get to go to a fucking meeting (oh wait, TWO fucking meetings) tomorrow night. Noah has declared Friday to be a coding night (he’s bloody earned it, that doesn’t mean I’m good at being patient with him doing computer stuff while I clean up after *us*). I’m supposed to go dancing, but it seems like a really bad idea considering the rest of my weekend. Saturday I have to go to a training from 9-12. Then we get to have dinner and go see a play with one of Noah’s fucking legion of ex’s. Seeing most of them is anxiety inducing and stressful for me for no good reason at all. Sunday we are hosting a tantra class and the last thing I am in the mood to do right now is be patient or spiritual or breathe. I’m going to be fussy if people cancel though because it will feel like one more thing to happen.

I just want to scream. If you decide to give me well meaning advice don’t feel surprised if you are kicked off my friends list. I don’t want to fucking hear it. This phase will pass, but I’m fucking frustrated.

Never gets easy to hear

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I was teasing the kids who were absent on Friday (so was I). I got to one girl and she told me that she was embarrassed to come because she didn’t have the project they were working on. I asked why not. She said her in-recovery meth addict father got super drunk and destroyed their house. He broke the computer her project was on by throwing it repeatedly against the floor.

She’s staying late and we are going to be talking for a while. I hope I get to help this one.

{School}Nervous

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—Side note–I’ve added some people to the school filter. If you don’t want to hear me talk about my job a lot, feel free to ask to be taken off. During the school year this filter will probably see about 70% of my posts and when I’m around some crunch time I get really posty.—

From what I can tell, most teachers are nervous near the beginning of the school year. I’m getting pretty terrified. I think English 3 will go well (hell, I start out my day with Tigger-boy and my favorite dyke from 7th period last year [Uhm, she failed–despite my being on the phone with her mother daily and having her in for detention frequently. This time she will have to be in detention *before* assignments are due so that she never develops a backlog of work to make up.] so my day will at least start well every day) but I’m worried about 2A. What if the smart kids don’t think I am a good teacher? *insert nervous hand-wringing* The problem is that most 2A kids desperately want the other guy because he is well known as being the best thing ever. I can’t ever be him though. I’m really not looking forward to the unhappy resignation in the first week when they realize they have me.

I’m having a tremendous number of scary dreams where I completely fuck up. This is not making me sleep well. My consolation and indication that I probably will not fuck up too badly is that I have been in more prepping than any other teacher in my department. I’m so worried about doing well it isn’t funny. The funny (to me) thing is that my coworkers and department chair are all convinced that I will be absolutely fabulous. My chair told me he expects me to do 2A for a couple of years then take over the 4AP classes. Uhm… he isn’t aware I probably won’t be there in a few years. It’s flattering anyway. 🙂

I got into an argument with an idiot online. I know, kind of hard to avoid when talking to people online. She (in completely incorrectly spelled language) first criticized my usage of vernacular English and then went off on me when I defended myself. I have felt nervous and sad for days. When people say that all of my coworkers and students must hate me because I am so rude and disrespectful I half giggle (it’s ridiculous) and half feel nervous (oh God, what if they’re right?!). It was just enough to make my already existing apprehension suck a bit more. I hate people on the internet. {Uhm, if I actually know you then you don’t count as a “person on the internet”. Well, except for one of you.}

I have the daily plan for English 3 done for the first three weeks already. 2A I don’t have completely planned, but I know most of what I am doing for the first 7 weeks. 🙂

(Have I mentioned that several coworkers have told me that they hate me because they have no idea what they are doing in the first two days?)

{my shit} Note about filter, unpretty, unworthy, hating myself

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Uhm, a note about this filter. I’ve taken people off of it because I am going through one of those major control freak periods where unsolicited comments I don’t like are really really bothering me. So I’ve cut back most of the people who make comments I don’t want to hear. Maybe that is petty, but this is my bloody journal and if I don’t get to write what I want here without being responded to in ways I don’t like I should just forget the whole thing. I label this filter pretty religiously so you know in advance that it’s the heavier shit.

Most of the time I don’t say too much about people commenting on stuff. I ignore stuff I don’t want to respond to or I take someone off a filter and that’s about the end of it. On this filter I’m going to ask everyone to think before you comment. I’m not saying that anyone has to sycophantically agree with me or suck up, just think pretty hard before you comment. If your comment is tangential or not really about what is being brought up, please don’t comment. This filter is where I write about a lot of the stuff that is the hardest for me. I let people read it because many people have expressed that they really want to see what is happening for me as I work through this stuff. But as people stop feeling safe for me to process in front of they are simply removed. It isn’t up for discussion or negotiation. If you feel like you no longer want to be on this filter, please let me know. I am happy to take you off.

Continue reading →

{my shit} More general stuff

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I’ve been on a serious roller coaster ride emotionally lately and I don’t know why. No, I’m not pregnant; I checked. I’m crying at the drop of a hat. Everything bothers me in some way, either it makes me angry or it makes me sad or it makes me withdraw. I wish I could point at something in particular and say “That! That’s why I’m upset!” but I can’t.

Uhm, it’s longer than I expected. Continue reading →

Maybe it’s you.

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I liked the meme that was “10 things you want to say to people”. I’m not going to pat anyone on the head and say, “Oh honey, of course I don’t mean you” so don’t bother asking for it.

1. Fuck you.
2. I find it particularly hypocritical that you allow me to be in a position you don’t want to be in yourself. Grow a fucking backbone.
3. Wow, you are so being used. I hope the sex is worth it.
4. Grow up. No really, grow up. It’s past fucking time you stop acting like a child.
5. Being prepared isn’t some magical occurance that just happens to some people. You need to take responsibility for yourself and actually get your shit done.
6. I hate you. I would feel kind of guilty for it, but I would cheerfully dance on your fucking grave you stupid piece of shit.
7. Quite whining about the situations you get yourself into over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it. You would be amazed at who all talks shit about you behind your back.
8. Stop patronizing me you fucker. And don’t correct my pronunciation when I am in a bad mood, dick.
9. Don’t ask him to touch you again. He isn’t yours. Ask your own boy to touch you.
10. I’m tired of being nice to you. Why the fuck can’t you do something well and truly deserving of me hating you so that I can stop feeling guilty for it.

Bitching about tribe and the bdsm community in general.

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For a while now I have felt that I will not support the Citadel by going to parties or playing there because the favortism and attitudes that the owners have towards their little pets. I went to classes periodically because that was the only place to see those classes. I have decided that I am better off missing those events. I won’t give that space one more dollar of my money. I have no respect for the way it is being run, for the gossip, for the bullshit posturing, for the ridiculous ass-kissing, for any of it really. I want nothing to do with the space in any way. They repeatedly delete all threads that specifically list complaints with how the space is being run and then say, “Well, why don’t you volunteer if you want things to be different!” Because volunteering there does nothing to change the system. The well is poisoned from the very top and that can’t/won’t be fixed by volunteering. Instead, I will vote with my feet and my wallet.

I’ve been around long enough to know that I just need to be patient. This space will go away eventually.

tired and strangely cranky

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I have the best husband ever. He dotes on me and loves me and treats me very well. That said…

I have a hard time not liking people. When I dislike someone or feel angry at them I tend to feel intense, overwhelming guilt so strong it sometimes almost chokes me. I don’t feel like it is ok for me to dislike or, worse yet, hate anyone. There are people in this world who have given me good reason to dislike/hate them and yet… when I experience those emotions I generally end up crying and feeling like I am a terrible person for feeling that way. What is interesting is that I know I have wronged people in my life–I’m no ones idea of perfect–but the people I have the strongest negative reactions to aren’t people I have seriously wronged. It seems as though the people who have given me the most reason to dislike them are people I have never done anything to or at least I don’t feel that I have done anything to them. There are always people who feel I have wronged them merely by existing. I’m never entirely sure what to do about that. Would they really feel better if I killed myself? It isn’t really an option at this point since I promised Noah I wouldn’t during a particularly bad spell a while ago.

Yet there are still these feelings. It would be easier if I could just excise these people from my life entirely, but I can’t. So here I am left with my frustration and anger and sadness that I am such a bad person that I hate other people. These negative feelings sort of seep out into other parts of my life in sucky ways. Whenever I have cause to think about the people I particularly dislike I tend to feel like I am just a terrible, awful person for hours if not days. But I can’t really make them go away. And I can’t avoid the people unless I just drop some of the people I want to have in my life.

So… yeah. Something was triggery earlier today and I haven’t been able to ditch the funk. Despite just being back from vacation with my wonderful husband where we had lots of fun and saw many friends. Despite hiding from the heat in Chevy’s with margarita’s and then watching *two* movies in one day. Sometimes I hate my brain.

+/-

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Good: my life.
Bad: some of my friends lives.

I’ve recently been talking with an old friend. There is so much drama going on in his life that it is unreal. He had an affair for over a year with a girl 26 years his junior. Now he is going through a messy divorce for the girl. And the girl got mad at him and punched him in the face when she found out that *gasp* he has had sex with his wife during the course of the affair. But it’s ok because he deserved it because he cheated on her. *blink*

I… have no words.

Parents suck.

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Ms. A-,

I wanted to ask you since our last conversation if b- has improved. I have noticed he still has a F in the class, and i was wondering what was going on with him. Since he has turned in his writers workshop essay will that help him at all? Since the begining of school B- has had an IEP. I need written proof of how you have complied with his IEP accomidations.

===========================================
Misspellings are not mine. Her inability to capitalize her son’s name properly is also reflected. Your kid has an F because he won’t do anything. This is not my fault or problem. His IEP mainly states that he gets extra time on assignments. I think that accepting anything from the beginning of the semester is enough fucking time to give him.

Stupid cunt. No wonder your kid is stupid and lazy. You enable him.

Next roller coaster.

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This morning I had some less than happy stuff and I felt like shit. Then I heard a song on the radio and felt like maybe I was being stupid–I should just appreciate what I have and get over being so needy.

But then I went to work. I’m having a lot of trouble with the basic nature of teenagers. I would like to punch many of them. The attitude, the laziness, the sarcasm, the satisfaction with being ignorant…

I’m feeling very angry about the kids who are blaming me for their failing grade. Excuse me motherfucker you want to repeat that?! I very very rarely feel like this. I love my job. But today stupid teenagers are making me very angry. “What do you mean we have an essay due on Monday! I was absent! It’s not fair!” “Well, seeing as the assignment was posted on the board for three weeks and we started the assignment at the beginning of the semester I don’t think you get to claim any hardship.”

Fucking bitch. I am not fond of that whiny little shit. My swearing is a bit excessive today. I need to just stop talking.

Shit

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The last few days have been a serious roller coaster ride. I’ve been forced to look at things and talk about things that I try not to acknowledge. And the end result of so much of it is that I have even more people who feel qualified to tell me what I should do to “be better” in some way.

I would like to take this moment to ask the universe to keep any and all advice away from me for a while. Don’t tell me what I can do to handle ‘x, y or z’ better or what I can do to be happier or be more positive. Fuck you. What I could do to raise my general happiness is punch you in the face. I don’t think it would go well. So, seeing as that is the only option I am interested in, I am better off avoiding the whole thing.

Why does feeling depressed lead to defensive leads to blind rage? Rhetorical question. Really, don’t answer it.