My sub on Friday fucked with my classes. I am so pissed. She didn’t follow my lesson plans because she didn’t feel she had enough control over the classes. Excuse me, cunt? She also collected all of their work so I could verify who was working enough. Uhm… everything stays in their folders on purpose. Their work is checked without you increasing my paper-pile-headache.
I hate being absent.
I’m wandering in circles mentally wondering why, why, why am I so crazy.
Well, maybe it’s time to actually talk about him.
It is interesting to me to see who I want in my life and who I don’t. It is interesting to me to see what kinds of arguments I get in. I got into an argument about home schooling on Sunday. I have a serious issue with the people who believe that the only way to get proper socialization is to be forced to go to school. I happen to believe that school is a hostile environment and one I don’t think is beneficial to very many people. Ok, you disagree. Well… uhm, go you? Glad you fit in then.
I had an epiphany yesterday while reading the book Undefended Love my adopted mommy gave me. Maybe–just maybe I am not bad. It’s a very weird/disorienting/hard thought. But I’m going with it. It has been hard to stay present with it while going through some unpleasant interactions, but it’s going ok.
Hard therapy conversation. I told her stuff about my dad. I think I am going to journal it soon. It’s hard to be really honest and up front about some of it. I’m not sure if the stuff my dad did was worse or easier than the stuff strangers did.
I’m still not over him, and that is hard sometimes. I am trying to move past it, but it is not the easiest thing I have ever done. I grew up with him. He was my Daddy. (If you don’t know who I am talking about, don’t worry about it.)
I got bit by a spider. My arm hurts less than it did, but my forearm still hurts. I still have very little ability to grip with my hand. My stomach hurts, but my stomach almost always hurts so I’m not going to attribute it. I’m alternating being hot enough to sweat and feeling chilly. This seems bad. Apparently me being hurt is cause for some people to laugh. I will remember that.
Noah overwhelms me with how amazing he is sometimes. And sometimes I am reminded that he is a human boy and not totally perfect. That’s hard sometimes.
Today is a wacky day. I don’t have “wacky” days very often. Kids are in massive trouble left and right way over my head. One of my girls has a warrant out for her arrest. 🙁 I’m sad that I sent her to the office right before the parole officer arrived to pick her up. I wish I had told her to run. People calling my class to interrupt and find out if I still have oranges. WTF PEOPLE!!! I’M BLOODY TEACHING!!! Then, when I come in from dealing with drama with a kid outside the class turns into, “Are you pregnant?” “No. I’m not pregnant, I’m fat. Get over it.” “Are you sure? You look pregnant.” !!! WTF!!! And I responded (very loudly) “I am NOT PREGNANT.” I said this loud enough that the teacher in the next room thought it would be funny to call and say, “My class would like to know if you are pregnant.” This is my buddy. I hung up the phone and yelled, “I hate you!” His room busted out laughing.
I think my phone rang a total of 6 times in one period. The kids never shut up. I finally made the biggest talker take a lap. They so got on my nerves. And settling down into 7th period has been a nightmare. I am so keyed up.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And now Marcie thinks it’s funny to ask me if I am pregnant. NOT FUNNY.
In other news, I’ve been talking to Tom more. After the fairly disasterous dinners we have been talking via IM and talking about some of the actual problems we have had and why they have existed. It’s good. The funny part is, at least a small piece of this was motivated by his most recent ex finding out that someone is friends with me and getting bitchy about it. I went and asked Tom WTF and he is confused too.
Love when people strongly dislike me enough to talk shit about me when they have never had a conversation with me. I want to be mature like that when I grow up!
I need to stop ranting at Noah, so here is some of the shit running around in my head that I keep saying over and over and I need to stop saying because I am wearing him out.
I feel like I was set up to hate his mother long before I went to Texas. Noah has told me horror stories for years about what an awful person his mom is and given my own baggage in this area, of *course* I have issues with her. She is abusive, domineering, and autocratic. What is there for me to like? Even given my ingrained bias I went trying really hard to have an open mind. I really did. I tried to be cheerful and friendly and I did not try to pick a fight. Even so, that is exactly what she has accused me of. She said I showed up and was constantly abrasive and looking for a fight. Her characterization of a conversation I had with her is about as different from mine as it could be. I was trying to be playful and funny and she said I was accusing her of being awful and picked a fight. ?! Uhm… ok… No, I’m not passive. No, I’m not quiet. I don’t think that means I am always trying to pick a fight. I told her flat out, “That was not me picking a fight. If you want, I can give you a demonstration of what it looks like when I pick a fight. I don’t think you will like it.” I was feeling kinda… punchy. If me being really really good is still met with anger and nastiness I feel there is little left for me to do.
I have now spoken with his dad on the phone twice since Thanksgiving. The first time he apologized for the inappropriate conversation that happened the night before we left and we talked about how I don’t want more abusive people in my life so I am just not going to deal with his wife. The second time he called me to bitch me out (very gently–he isn’t a forceful man) for sending Noah’s little sister the book The Mists of Avalon. They feel it is inappropriate for me to have done so and I should have checked with them first and gotten permission and by not doing so I am usurping that bitch’s authority. [Cake topper–part of the reason they deemed the book horrible is Noah’s brother doesn’t approve of the book either. When I asked him why he refused to talk about it. He just said hat he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter because it is “Mom’s decision anyway.” They both blame decisions on one another and refuse to talk about why. How mature is that?] Ok, his dad thinks he just called to find out my intentions in sending the book and to let me know that I should never take such an action again without permission.
So the first call was good and the second call was just awful. Me being me, I’ve been obsessing about the second call and trying to figure out how I want to become more ok with it and I wasn’t finding it in my heart to just walk away from it. So I called his mother. I told her that I gave his sister the book because I was trying to share something with her that had been very significant in my life at her age. If she wants to view that as a malicious act that is pathetic and ludicrous. I also told her not to have her husband call and bitch at me anymore. She claims she didn’t, but whatever. We got into quite a conversation that lasted almost 30 minutes. She told me off and I fought back tooth and nail. I will not be another person for her to step on. I told her flat out that I was doing my very best to be polite and friendly until she was being abusive with her daughter and that I just won’t tolerate. She responded in a way that indicated that she knows it is abuse, but “there are reasons for it that make it necessary.” Fuck. That. Noise.
I’m really glad that I told her off. I needed to do that. The more I let someone kick me the more and more pathetic I feel until my self-worth is in the toilet. Telling her that I won’t put up with her shit made me feel much better. I was very good at standing up for myself and not letting her bully me. I wasn’t abrasive though. I wasn’t real nasty I was just extremely firm about my boundaries in that way I am good at defending my boundaries. That was about when she threatened to sue me. Awesome. I still don’t know why. I think this is the last phone call I need to have with anyone in his family. I’m done. They are all willing to continue perpetuating this cycle of abuse and I’m not. Near as I can tell her only reasons for hating me are that I am not willing to let her walk all over me the way she does with everyone else. I’m too loud. I have too many opinions. Yeah? That’s too damn bad.
My mother in law threatened to sick lawyers on me! Or rather, she said that her not doing so already was a sign of the warm welcome she gave me. When directly asked, repeatedly, for what she refused to answer and just menacingly said, “We have the time and money to make things bad for you.”
Wow. That was… Special.
Side note: it makes me very unhappy that when I am ranting about this psycho I have to use the tag “family.” *sigh*
My second period is a class of low skills, low functioning kids. They are in the main extremely ignorant. This class manages to bring up on a regular basis how homophobic they are and how disgusting gay people are. They also rabidly deny that they could be gay. It really isn’t that I am trying to convert anyone, but I get really angry with the barage of venom directed at anyone who is not exactly like them. I told them that they are narrowminded bigots. They argued with me until I got out the dictionary and looked up the words for them. At this point they are agreeing with the assessment.
But I am so furious. I have a really hard time being polite with people who will flat out tell me that gay people are disgusting and if they find out that someone is gay they are going to beat the crap out of them.
I have 26 weeks left to deal with this class. It feels like forever.
I have this guy at work that I hang out with a lot. We have the same prep and his room adjoins mine. We eat together and hang out during our preps on Tuesday as the default. Today I hate him though. He is noisily eating pizza in my room and talking about how good it is.
I can’t eat today. I have to fast. I’m getting an ultrasound this afternoon (really, I’m not pregnant) and I can’t eat anything for 6 hours before it and I am in that window. He knows this. He is still eating in here.
Fucker.
I have worked 41 hours in the past 3 days. I have 24 hours of training over the next 3 days and grading to do.
My house is messy. It is stressing me out.
I keep freaking out about personal things that I shouldn’t freak out about. I’m such a mess.
I feel like I am drowning right now. I know things will get better, but getting through the next couple of weeks is going to be brutal.
I keep getting angry about things and people in my personal life. I kind of like that I get to hide behind my job and not deal with people. There are a few people in particular right now whom I would cheerfully bash over the head with a pool stick. It isn’t so much what they have done as just that they exist and I am sick of dealing with them. Unfortunately, said activity would have negative repercussions on my social life. Fuck.
Every Friday we do a communal lunch thing in my department. And today… everything has onions in it. So I don’t have a lunch and the lunch being provided is stuff I won’t eat.
I’m going to be so cranky by the end of school. I’m eating granola bars and nuts and pretzels, but it isn’t going to be quite enough. 🙁
My wallet was stolen from work. I only had like $5 in it, but… damnit! I have to try and remember what was in it so I can cancel/change all of my cards.
Although, on the card changing bit… the timing isn’t so bad.
Edit: I’m not always brilliant. Uhm. I found it.
Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.
Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday. Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.
I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right. Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this. Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.
Love is the counterpoint of all families. It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child. That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc. More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion. I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have. I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out. And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened. Never. They justfigure it started with them I guess. Hah! It started with me andMom. MY mom. I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t. But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me. At least I did that much.
If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine. But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her. I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is. I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong. It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am. I can only assume its for a reason.
I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings. I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being. I’m sorry we cannot talk. I’ve tried. Iget attacked, pure and simple. And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See! See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore. Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.
I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you. I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with. I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry. And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present. I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too. In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option. I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.
And it looks as though I’m going to do it again. So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again. I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?
And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.
I love you guys! And I always, always will.
Mom
As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic. I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with. I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane. Maybe I just need to hit something.
I just want to walk away from all of this.
I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:
Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.
do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.
He was responding to an email from my sister that read:
I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.
Please send me a copy. A complete copy, if you will. I need to see it
for myself.
Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one. I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently. I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone. Including you. I’m sorry, but that’s a fact. Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole. I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it. You
would always be his supporter. Tommy would never be believed. For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten. He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys. Lol And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?
Send me a copy of the will Jimmy. Please. I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.
Sissy
The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament
Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.
Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.
I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.
This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.
This may get long and will certainly get hostile, so if the possibility of reading such from me bothers you… don’t read it.
The tat seems to be doing much better than expected. It isn’t painful anymore but it is INCREDIBLY sensitive. It’s kind of nifty.
Thanks to a fabulous girl in the city I am reading, The Devil Wears Prada and loving it greatly. Yay.
Tonight I get to introduce one of my oldest friends to my boys and that should be fun. Hell, it will be great to see her. I think it has been a year this time. (She works on a cruise ship so I don’t see her much.)
I am having a real hard time making nice in a few places and I want to scream and punch people. Not necessarily the people I don’t want to deal with, just someone as a stand in to let out frustration. I’m not actually angry at the people I don’t want to deal with it’s just… complicated.
I am so angry with the city-centrists that I would like to say fuck you to all of them and stop going to anything in the city, ever. If you are so fucking selfish that ONE GOD DAMN TIME you won’t come to my house then fuck all of you fucking fucks. saljid;ljksdfljk;sdflj;kdsfljk;
Damn me and my unrealistic expectations. I need to stop looking at someone and saying, “I want you to do ‘x'” when I know they only signed up for ‘y’. *sigh*
I keep having nightmares about showing up on the first day of school without a syllabus. I feel so woefully unprepared for my whole life right now.
I have procrastinated the shit out of about a dozen things right now and I don’t know why. Normally I would be unpacked already, even with my busy schedule. I can’t seem to force myself to do it. I don’t know where the block is coming from. I haven’t sat down and made a budget. I haven’t started looking for a contractor. I haven’t dealt with my car. Just the thought of what I need to do makes me want to break down in tears.
I need to find some vicodin before my next tat appointment. Uhm… anyone?
Is it unreasonable for me to hide in my room and cry all day just out of anxiety and frustration? I don’t want to do all the things I need to do. I don’t want to think about having do deal with all of the people I have to deal with. I’m really tired of thinking about the people. Why can’t I just declare that I don’t like someone and not deal with them? Oh yeah. Social groups don’t work that way. *sigh*
Last night I came very close to losing it. I was yelling and throwing things slamming cupboard doors and and generally acting like a complete basket case. At some point I started yelling at Noah and acting like he was a horrible person for having done something minor. I had trouble not breaking into tears at this point. I wasn’t mad at him. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong. But I was so angry that I could easily have hurt him. Easily have punched him in the face with absolutely no thought to how bad I would feel later.
I started talking to myself rapid-fire about what is actually wrong, why am I so freakin upset? I know what the problem is.
I talked to my mom on Sunday. I couldn’t handle shutting her out anymore. I am so attached to my mom that it just isn’t funny. But, as I told my therapist on Saturday, I can’t talk to her. Talking to her takes away the fragile balance that I have in life. She tells me that I am unreasonable and everything is my fault. She sees absolutely no need for her to go to therapy and she thinks I am unreasonable for asking her to. When I told my mom that I need for her to start seeing a therapist she said, “You’re not my mother. You’re my daughter and you can’t tell me what to do.” I told her, “I’m well aware that I am your daughter. And in about two years I am going to have kids of my own and it is going to be my job to protect them and I am telling you that if you don’t work on your shit you are not going to be allowed to have contact with my children because I will not allow you to do to them what you have done to me.” She got really angry and started on her, “I did the best job I could” rant which includes her saying that everyone makes mistakes. Yes mom, everyone makes mistakes. But if you never learn from your mistakes you will keep repeating them and that is really lame. If you never learn from your mistakes then you nver grow or become a better person. I am not going to continue to be the one to pick up the pieces from her mistakes forever.
And from all of this running around in my head I have been screaming a lot in the past two days. I have been crying even more than I would anyway. She asked if she can come with me to see my therapist when she is in town in June. I left my therapist a message but I haven’t heard back from her. If I continue to feel totally crazy when I talk to my mom then I really need to stop. I just don’t know that I am strong enough.
I feel so weak.
This is draining over into other parts of my life right now. I feel like I need support of some kind but I don’t know what kind. I want to be taken care of but I know that no one can fix this but me. I want to hand this problem over to someone stronger but no one exists who can do it better than me. No one else is part of it. I am really angry with her for never providing me with enough security as a kid so that I feel confident that I can make decisions that are good. Because I am upset about this I am feeling upset about a couple of different things that shouldn’t be making me feel upset. Am I ever going to be able to maintain balance? Am I always going to be totally at her mercy? I feel like I should hide at home for the next few days alone. I’m not fit for company.
I need to revamp my earlier claim. I don’t work in the best school ever. I do, however, work in the best department ever. The rest of the school kind of sucks.
I hate group work. Two people didn’t show up until three hours late. We have a six page script–I wrote four pages of it. They wanted me to write the paper as well and I told them that if I wrote the paper then I was informing the teacher that we dropped two people from the group and they had better figure out some way to turn something in on their own by Wednesday.
Assholes.
But I did find out that one of the (considerate) chicks in my group is also a raging pervert. We have plans to go to BaGG together soon. 🙂