This is going to feel like I am slamming some people and I’m sorry for that. I’m not trying to. I am trying to express my feelings about something that is quite prevalent in my social circles.
Punctuality
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Tag Archives: people
Not all hormones
Today has been hard for me in a couple of different ways. The day started out so well. Angela showed up and made breakfast and that was awesome. Then we were all highly productive for a couple of hours. Then stuff started going down hill triggering a lot of trust issues for me. Punctuality issues. Frustration with people. I spent a lot of the later part of today being alternately very angry and very sad. Couple of times I started crying and couldn’t sit down for a good long cry for various reasons. I’m sure it was partially hormonal, but it really wasn’t all about being pregnant. It was about disconnect between how I see the world and obligations and how other people see the world and obligations.
Noah said something today that is making me think: “You treat manners/etiquette as a second rate way of enforcing boundaries.” He’s right. I treat things as being about basic manners when they are really about my personal boundaries. I did something risky for me this weekend and it went really badly in general. I’m not going to take that risk again anytime soon. The potential payoff isn’t worth the consequences of things not going well. Not 100% badly, but bad enough that I am going to remember this for a long time.
I guess learning is an important part of living and all.
Interesting.
One good thing about growing up is: I am starting to be able to step back from situations and recognize how people are responding in ways that are totally typical for them and their reaction has very little to do with whatever stimulus is put in front of them. Some people stop and think, “Ok, what could this mean?” and some people get upset. It’s very interesting.
So, this quote: “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men,” came out of a conversation I had with Noah. It was him mocking me. We were talking about the topping issue and I was specifically listing people and situations that have worked out well for casual play/sex and situations where I have had lots of issues. At one point I was speaking in sweeping generalities (as I am wont to do when really upset) and he snapped that line at me. I had to stop and think about that. It was a really interesting thought provoking thing for me. I stopped and thought about it in terms of a lot of different things in my life. I started thinking of all of my lovely chick-privilege. I started thinking about how men and women are allowed to act in society. Of course there are ways in which women grovel/are more grateful than men and lots of the degrees of this sort of thing are person dependent regardless of sex/gender.
But I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I take for granted where Noah has to be grateful he gets it, if he gets it at all. There’s a lot more of it than first blush made me recognize. The people who thought “sex” first were certainly starting in the right place (and DSH–men are generally *very* grateful for sex, more will admit it than not in my experience) but I think it goes past that.
I don’t really think that, “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men.” But I do think that the statement is harsh and abrasive and makes me stop and think about sex/gender relations. Maybe some of my friends who don’t appreciate sweeping generalizations can be kick-started into thinking about things easier than I can. I need to be smacked in the fact in order to realize where I’m taking things for granted and not looking at my assumptions.
A discussion spur.
“The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men.”
Please discuss. 🙂
Stir crazy
I think I am starting to have cabin fever. I went from a job where I saw at least 100 people a day to not interacting with anyone but Noah for days on end. I really like Noah, don’t get me wrong, but I can tell that I am wearing him out. I need too much attention. The problem is, I don’t really know what to do about it. I have tried scheduling dinner with someone and due to her having a severely impacted schedule and me having a few random things on my schedule (I’m busy 2, maybe 3 nights in a week) I’m not seeing her till the 29th. That isn’t feeling helpful at the moment. I don’t feel comfortable asking people to do things for some reason. All of the more ‘drop in’ social events don’t seem like a good idea. My friends groups revolve around dancing, sex, or drinking… none of which I am particularly up for at the moment. It doesn’t help that the idea of going to someone’s event means driving for a really long time so I can sit in the corner at the event and not really talk to people. I’ve noticed that most social events I only know 20%-30% of the people there and I am just not up for the emotional pull of trying to be outgoing and charming. That is hard for me. I’m not good at it.
It doesn’t help that by the time I hit the point where I am I am so completely overwhelmed by the base amount of effort of going out that I can’t bring myself to ask for help or for someone to met me halfway. I don’t have the energy for lots of effort and I don’t know how to have any other kind of interactions with people.
Looking at bias.
This may offend you. I’m kind of rambling and trying to figure out my own judgments about a bunch of different societal things around weight. If you think you are likely to be offended, just don’t read it–please.
What is greatness?
The Washington Post pulled a stunt where they had a world famous virtuoso violinist plat at a Metro station in DC. I’m rather horrified by the results.
On patience
According to my 2nd period aide I have a remarkable amount of patience. 😛
Gender
Today is “Gender Bender” day at school. On one hand I’m kind of horrified at the idea; on the other hand it is kind of interesting to see what the kids will do and how it will piss me off (cause it surely will from a few of them). The kids told me I HAD TO participate. So I stole Noah’s button up short sleeved shirt and kilt. Hey–it’s practically a uniform for most of my male friends! Oh, and my knee high Fry’s boots. They totally won’t get it, but I do.
I’m feeling very tempted to basically punt on the lesson plan and go with discussions of what “gender” actually means/implys in our little society here at school. Hmmmmmm
Navel gazing
And it’s even public-like because I know there are people who check occasionally and want dirt. Social shit is so strange.
In my interest in getting some semblence of contact with that boy I like I am reading his archive for the first time. I had never gone back to the beginning and read the whole history before. It’s weird. I am getting to watch the rise and fall and sometimes rise again and fall again of his relationships. I now know a bit more about when he bought his house and who gave input into that decision. I know more about why he is so freaked out about car maintanence. I can read evidence of him being pretty seriously unhappy for a very long time. Maybe bitter is a better word than unhappy but… all the same in the end.
So yeah. I know there are people who will read this who are not on my friends list. I know that some of them have been hugely involved in lots of his history. It’s a weird thought. Given that I have mostly only seen the fall out of people being unpleasant post-relationships it is interesting to see a bit more of when things didn’t suck. I have never understood why people can be so into someone and then later be so completely nasty. It isn’t as if I haven’t been dumped before, but I just see no point in hating ex’s. It may be vain of me to assume that some of those hostile ex’s (of his–I don’t have any) will read this given that we are demonstrably not friends, yet… given some things that have turned up in weird places it doesn’t seem vain so much as realistic. This boy is rather intoxicating and people hold on to that interest even when they are mad at him for ending a relationship. Why though? Why be so angry? Are your opinions really so changeable that whether or not someone is fucking you affects your evaluation of the person as a whole? I do think this will be read. I don’t think it will be responded to though.
It’s kind of weird filling in gaps in his history and having to accept those parts of the past as just part of him. I don’t get along with everyone (hell-not even most of the people) he has dated. That’s ok. It is interesting trying to see what he got out of relationships with people I have issues with. I’m trying to be all open minded and shit. We’ll see how it turns out.
And yeah, I mean you. And you. But not you, or you either.
Sluttery in full swing.
I went to three parties last night. The first two were raunchy sex parties. I got laid at both. I got laid more than once at the second one. I got to eat out a very wonderful girl–it’s been a while and damn was I missing that. I had several cocks in my mouth over the evening. (Now ya’ll know why I carry a toothbrush with me to parties and antibacterial soap! The coatcheck girls are amused by me running back and forth.)
Does anyone remember the guy I had a fling with about a year and a half ago? http://boot-slut.livejournal.com/69236.html (Yeah–that’s hard to ring a bell I know.) I asked him if he wanted a night, a week, or a month and he said he only wanted a night. I went for it and it was by far the best one-time sex I have ever had. We really click in bed. I did it agreeing to the terms of never ever contacting him again. He showed up last night. He zoned in on me immidiately and started flirting with me like crazy. *Then* we both figured out that we knew one another. Ha! He’s still that good in bed. We both still have one another saved in our phones. He said that he respects me tremendously for following the rules. He’s going to break the rules and keep in contact with me this time.
But the fucking amazing bit was–dude. He gave me the fucking speech. You know, the “I want to be play partners but I don’t think we should have a relationship” speech. I almost slapped him. I told him that he was a flaming asshole and that he is treating me like a clingy crazy girl and that is so far from reality that it is outrageous. I told him that if he wants to tell me that I am good enough to be a fuck toy and not good enough to be anything else then he doesn’t need to call me. He apologized and said that wasn’t what he meant. Yeah asshole, but it is what you *Said*. I gave him a chance to redeem himself and he sucked up prettily. If I weren’t so hot for him I would refuse to talk with him again, but as it is… yeah. I’ll talk to him again. He is fairly local and a very reliably fantastic fuck. He’s still an asshole though. I almost told him that the last guy who gave me that speech stayed with me for four years. I was good.
Oh, and the best acronym fill in the blank ever: Breeder In Training Coveting Husband.
Channeling Bridgett
There are times and places and spaces where you connect with someone. You don’t have to understand why. Who knows if the connection will actually last. Yet in that time and place it is important. Whether that time and place is on-linefor five minutes or ten years and multi-citied.
I have to accept the lessons that come to me. But I don’t know if I am strong enough.
My throat hurts and what I did yesterday
I wanted to go back to Fezzi’s and help out today because they are terribly short staffed, but my throat has picked today to give out on me. This sucks in terms of helping Fezzi’s because it is far more important that I rest my throat so that I can work this week. It is better for my ability to get the work done today that I wanted to get done though. A mixed bag of results I suppose.
Yesterday was interesting. I was incredibly productive first thing in the morning and then I went to a friend’s house because she is moving and getting rid of a bunch of stuff. At her house I acquired enough knitting stuff to satisfy the Christmas wish that I had and then some. She also gave me a freak load of candles, which I appreciate cause I am getting into them in a big way again. Then I went to Noah’s ex-girlfriend’s garage sale. (It has been interesting meeting her in general. It is solidifying some of what I know/believe about Noah.) She is getting rid of basically everything she owns because she is going to be living in Japan and will have no room for it. I got a bunch of clothes, some movies, and a bread machine for $33. Dude. I have always wanted a bread machine…. 🙂 The back of my car is stuffed to the gills and I didn’t have the energy to unload it last night.
Cause after the garage sale I went up to Dicken’s and spent around six hours there. I watched shows and danced and talked to people that I like and miss. It was weird being there. I felt like I belonged there and yet like an outsider. I miss working a great deal. Thus I offered to come help and work today, but that is not to be. 🙁
Then I went to my sister’s party. I felt like a judgmental, uptight prig. Apparently she has tossed the concept of “sober” to the winds and I wasn’t actually aware of that. They all got high and sat around drinking while bitching about their dead-end, mindless jobs. I was really glad that I had a friend show up. What in the hell am I going to talk to them about? The pressure of grad school and having a job that demands so much time and energy that I am about to drop from exhaustion when they are bitching about not being allowed to work remotely so that they can actually not work instead of having to mask their not-working in the office? Uhm, yeah. Not exactly the brightest lightbulbs in the box. And my cousins were there with a bunch of their friends and I have no respect for any of them. The one who is doing ok and is somewhat successful is now an assistant manager at Burlington Coat Factory. The other two don’t manage to hold a retail job for very long without getting fired. All of the girls in the group looked like they starve themselves in order to not get fat. It was kind of gross watching the guys chow down and the girls were standing off to the side staring at the food with longing. I didn’t have anything to drink and I don’t really like pot much anyway so I skipped that. It was mindless escapism and I don’t want to do that. My day-to-day life is not something I need to run away from. It is a crazy amount of work and pressure, but I am happy with what I have worked for and achieved. One of the adults there was the father of my cousin’s boyfriend and his other daughter was there as well. He was talking about his prison time and how his third wife is 28 right now. He is 42. He bragged about how he may have to get older but he doesn’t have to grow up. I am a judgmental bitch and I thought he was pretty pathetic. In fact, I think I should avoid my sister’s events in the future because I don’t really contribute positively to the environment…