I need to stop ranting at Noah, so here is some of the shit running around in my head that I keep saying over and over and I need to stop saying because I am wearing him out.
I feel like I was set up to hate his mother long before I went to Texas. Noah has told me horror stories for years about what an awful person his mom is and given my own baggage in this area, of *course* I have issues with her. She is abusive, domineering, and autocratic. What is there for me to like? Even given my ingrained bias I went trying really hard to have an open mind. I really did. I tried to be cheerful and friendly and I did not try to pick a fight. Even so, that is exactly what she has accused me of. She said I showed up and was constantly abrasive and looking for a fight. Her characterization of a conversation I had with her is about as different from mine as it could be. I was trying to be playful and funny and she said I was accusing her of being awful and picked a fight. ?! Uhm… ok… No, I’m not passive. No, I’m not quiet. I don’t think that means I am always trying to pick a fight. I told her flat out, “That was not me picking a fight. If you want, I can give you a demonstration of what it looks like when I pick a fight. I don’t think you will like it.” I was feeling kinda… punchy. If me being really really good is still met with anger and nastiness I feel there is little left for me to do.
I have now spoken with his dad on the phone twice since Thanksgiving. The first time he apologized for the inappropriate conversation that happened the night before we left and we talked about how I don’t want more abusive people in my life so I am just not going to deal with his wife. The second time he called me to bitch me out (very gently–he isn’t a forceful man) for sending Noah’s little sister the book The Mists of Avalon. They feel it is inappropriate for me to have done so and I should have checked with them first and gotten permission and by not doing so I am usurping that bitch’s authority. [Cake topper–part of the reason they deemed the book horrible is Noah’s brother doesn’t approve of the book either. When I asked him why he refused to talk about it. He just said hat he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter because it is “Mom’s decision anyway.” They both blame decisions on one another and refuse to talk about why. How mature is that?] Ok, his dad thinks he just called to find out my intentions in sending the book and to let me know that I should never take such an action again without permission.
So the first call was good and the second call was just awful. Me being me, I’ve been obsessing about the second call and trying to figure out how I want to become more ok with it and I wasn’t finding it in my heart to just walk away from it. So I called his mother. I told her that I gave his sister the book because I was trying to share something with her that had been very significant in my life at her age. If she wants to view that as a malicious act that is pathetic and ludicrous. I also told her not to have her husband call and bitch at me anymore. She claims she didn’t, but whatever. We got into quite a conversation that lasted almost 30 minutes. She told me off and I fought back tooth and nail. I will not be another person for her to step on. I told her flat out that I was doing my very best to be polite and friendly until she was being abusive with her daughter and that I just won’t tolerate. She responded in a way that indicated that she knows it is abuse, but “there are reasons for it that make it necessary.” Fuck. That. Noise.
I’m really glad that I told her off. I needed to do that. The more I let someone kick me the more and more pathetic I feel until my self-worth is in the toilet. Telling her that I won’t put up with her shit made me feel much better. I was very good at standing up for myself and not letting her bully me. I wasn’t abrasive though. I wasn’t real nasty I was just extremely firm about my boundaries in that way I am good at defending my boundaries. That was about when she threatened to sue me. Awesome. I still don’t know why. I think this is the last phone call I need to have with anyone in his family. I’m done. They are all willing to continue perpetuating this cycle of abuse and I’m not. Near as I can tell her only reasons for hating me are that I am not willing to let her walk all over me the way she does with everyone else. I’m too loud. I have too many opinions. Yeah? That’s too damn bad.