Ok. I sucked it up and brought up a terrifying subject. I should get some major freakin brownie points for this.

I told him that my instinct is to just say, “Avoid this crazy bitch like the plague.” We agreed that it was not quite reasonable though. We talked for a while about some of the things that upset me and how to deal with them and he explained that between his work/school and her work/school they are unlikely to spend much together anyway. I told him that was not good enough because that is ambiguous and no real solution. He asked me “What restrictions do you want me to have.” AHHH I don’t want that responsibility first of all. I told him that I don’t want any surprises. With the caveat that if she decides to call and say, “I’m on campus, want to have coffee?” that it would be ok and he doesn’t have to call me first or anything. Stuff involving violence or extended visits I would like him to let me know about, but they are well within his rights. We talked about various shooting schtuff. We went through the laundry list of things that can happen to help me feel ok with her being in the same place as a loaded gun with him. But mostly I told him that the idea of him going shooting with her freaks me out in every way that something can freak me out. He is entitled to do whatever he wants–he is a grown up and I don’t get to decide for him. However, I’m going to be fucking upset if he decides to do it. I could view this as manipulative, or I could say that I was being completely honest. I choose to believe I was being honest. I want to make the prospect of him shooting with her unattractive because the results will be unattractive. I said that I would be uncomfortable with them spending a bunch of time in our apartment alone together. I also said that if we have another party and if japlady and angelbob and blacksheep_lj will be there then she has to come. Cause then I can sit on/behind my friends and not worry about her presense. 🙂

This was a calm, rational conversation. I actually gave in on several points (I’m not detailing everything cause it would take a while) and he told me that ensuring that I am comfortable and happy is a very high priority. Ok. We are getting better at this communication and compromise stuff. Near as I can tell (I can’t actually speak for him, but it seems to me) both of us are happy with the resolution. YAY!

Why is it that I can’t handle disliking someone? I am beating myself up like crazy today over this issue with Puppy’s ex. I’m looking at the situation like crazy trying to figure out how I might be wrong. Maybe she is nicer/better/whatever than I am giving her credit for. Maybe I am just flat wrong. Puppy likes her, why don’t I? I think I want to turn her over to japlady so that I can have validation for my feelings. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like my dislike of her is insufficient.

I do this with people on a regular basis. I hate feeling this way about anyone. I can’t give myself permission to dislike anyone. I think it eats me up inside to feel dislike. It is as if I feel it makes me a bad person to not like someone. I still feel bad for disliking my father. I kind of think that I treat my feelings as if there is only a certain amount of room inside me for feeling at all. If I waste that space on dislike, then it is a bigger chunk of me that is unavailable for liking someone else. But I don’t seem to be able to not dislike some people.

I hate rejecting anyone on any level. It’s a boundary issue and I don’t know how to fix it.

No. It wasn’t about the stupid Playboys.

So yesterday Puppy came home and told me that there were a few people he wants to invite to the housewarming. Wonderful. Great. He proceeds to list off a few ex’s. Including the psycho one that I threw down about a month ago. The one that I asked him to promise me that a) he would never be around her and guns again and b) she would never be in my home. So much for respecting my wishes.

I walked away immediately. I couldn’t react right away. I called a friend who told me over and over that I need to tell Puppy no. I’m grateful for the pep talk. It was hard telling Puppy no. Then he wanted me to justify my no. So I reminded him of the former promise. Oops. He forgot. He started lecturing me about how I am not giving her a chance and she is a very good person.

This is about when I went and started cutting. I couldn’t deal with it. I just shut down mentally. We have been down this path already. He is like a dog wearing at a bone. He can’t back off for anything. (I guess Puppy is so very appropriate of a name.)

I finished and came out and finished making dinner. I was comletely numb and shut down. He tried to touch me and I flinched. He got mad at me and stomped away. We sat down to eat and he started up again on how he can’t believe I am judging her before I meet her. She is a good person. He knows her. Yeah, she has done bad things–but everyone has and the good far outweighs the bad. I started saying, “stop.” Over and over and over. He didn’t. I felt the panic attack start. I started shaking. Stop changed to fine. I almost threw down my plate (bad. glass.) and I ran to the back room and sat against the door as I fought to breathe. As I fought to control the hysterical crying. I was on the verge of passing out from lack of air and he came to the door and continued his tirade. I honestly couldn’t understand him. I just absolutely lost it. He didn’t stop for several minutes. It was really awful. Eventually he stopped and left. It took a while for me to calm down and when I did I went into the guest room, grabbed Ted and Nighty-Night and passed out hard. Panic attacks make me fall asleep fast and hard. They are draining and exhausting.

This morning he tells me that he didn’t sleep because he was worried about me. He said he is just trying to defend his friend. I’m not attacking her. I’m not saying she is a bad or horrible person. I am just saying I don’t want her in my life. I am expressing a boundry. And he doesn’t respect it.

This morning I am actually missing Tom. There were bad nights with Tom, but he never escalated them. It was always entirely me doing the crazy shit. I really miss having stuff not escalate.