Tag Archives: puppy

and it got worse

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No. It wasn’t about the stupid Playboys.

So yesterday Puppy came home and told me that there were a few people he wants to invite to the housewarming. Wonderful. Great. He proceeds to list off a few ex’s. Including the psycho one that I threw down about a month ago. The one that I asked him to promise me that a) he would never be around her and guns again and b) she would never be in my home. So much for respecting my wishes.

I walked away immediately. I couldn’t react right away. I called a friend who told me over and over that I need to tell Puppy no. I’m grateful for the pep talk. It was hard telling Puppy no. Then he wanted me to justify my no. So I reminded him of the former promise. Oops. He forgot. He started lecturing me about how I am not giving her a chance and she is a very good person.

This is about when I went and started cutting. I couldn’t deal with it. I just shut down mentally. We have been down this path already. He is like a dog wearing at a bone. He can’t back off for anything. (I guess Puppy is so very appropriate of a name.)

I finished and came out and finished making dinner. I was comletely numb and shut down. He tried to touch me and I flinched. He got mad at me and stomped away. We sat down to eat and he started up again on how he can’t believe I am judging her before I meet her. She is a good person. He knows her. Yeah, she has done bad things–but everyone has and the good far outweighs the bad. I started saying, “stop.” Over and over and over. He didn’t. I felt the panic attack start. I started shaking. Stop changed to fine. I almost threw down my plate (bad. glass.) and I ran to the back room and sat against the door as I fought to breathe. As I fought to control the hysterical crying. I was on the verge of passing out from lack of air and he came to the door and continued his tirade. I honestly couldn’t understand him. I just absolutely lost it. He didn’t stop for several minutes. It was really awful. Eventually he stopped and left. It took a while for me to calm down and when I did I went into the guest room, grabbed Ted and Nighty-Night and passed out hard. Panic attacks make me fall asleep fast and hard. They are draining and exhausting.

This morning he tells me that he didn’t sleep because he was worried about me. He said he is just trying to defend his friend. I’m not attacking her. I’m not saying she is a bad or horrible person. I am just saying I don’t want her in my life. I am expressing a boundry. And he doesn’t respect it.

This morning I am actually missing Tom. There were bad nights with Tom, but he never escalated them. It was always entirely me doing the crazy shit. I really miss having stuff not escalate.

Working out the kinks (in communication)

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We had another big fight last night. We had been sitting down having dinner and discussing the upcoming plans. There is an event I want to go to weekend after next and I will be gone Fri-Sun and he would like to come down on Sat. But it’s a long drive and lot’s of effort and trying to negotiate rides and such was a bit obnoxious. I kept being me, which is to say that for every reason he had for what he wanted I had about fifteen things to consider that could be a problem in making it happen. I wasn’t trying to cause a fight or be difficult, I was following my generic thought process. I think about all the possibilities for things to go wrong when I am planning anything. I just do. But he felt very attacked. I got up to start cleaning up after dinner and he told me, “If you don’t want me to go just say so.” Then he went off to deal with laundry. I got really angry. Most of the points I was bringing up were because I wanted to make sure he didn’t end up in a situation that meant I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him. I didn’t want him depending on a total flake for a ride so that I didn’t see him for more than a few hours.

When he came back into the house I pretty much went off. I pushed his chest and yelled at him. The look on his face for a split second made me think he would deck me. Yeah. Maybe I went a bit far there… We yelled out our respective sides. I think he finally realized that I wasn’t trying to be a pill when I say the things I say, I’m just very anal-retentive and compulsive and I want to make sure there is no possible outcome I haven’t considered. His ex-wife spent most of their marriage (they were married for two years, they had already been together for four years when they married) trying to have time away from him and didn’t ever want him to come along when she did stuff. We all have our baggage. So it is a constant issue for him to suspect that when I am examining all the ways something could potentially fail that I am really just trying to tell him to stay home. No… I want to make sure you don’t end up staying home because of something stupid and petty cause I really really want you there. *sigh*

When the fight was over he pulled me into his lap and stroked my hair and told me he was proud of me for dealing with being angry instead of stewing for days.

He is coming from a background of a partner who would do anything to get away from him. I am coming from a background of a partner who would use any excuse to avoid doing things with me. We both are afraid of asking for time with one another because we are used to being rebuffed. I’ve tried explaining to him that we are both the clingy type who likes time together (don’t get me wrong, we spend an awful lot of time apart and that is ok–there are a good 12 hours that we are apart during every day and then 8 hours of sleeping. I don’t think that wanting to spend what time we can together is obsessive.) but he still feels like he is going to stifle me. This means I am having to work very hard on my own fear of rejection and I am asking him to be with me. It’s scary…

[Day two of migraine starting. I really don’t understand why he won’t shoot me.]