Tag Archives: relationship

Douchebaggery

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So on occasion I have been known to behave in a less than saint-like fashion. One might go so far as to say that once in a great great great while I’m a complete and total bitch. Of course these events are few and far between. *cough* Ok, so at least they aren’t happening weekly. I would like to think that in the realm of crazy wives I’m not so bad but I am realistic enough to know that sometimes I kind of suck. Just like my wonderful, patient, fabulous husband is on occasion a poopyhead. It happens to the best of us.

You might be wondering what’s my point? Well, my point is that Noah feels like he can’t tell anyone about me being uhm less than polite. I think this is a fairly unhealthy situation for him to be in. I think that feeling like he has to stay isolated and put up with my sometimes unpleasant behavior smacks of abuse and that’s really not cool. So whereas I’m glad he doesn’t spend a lot of time bitching about me I think that some venting occasionally is healthy. I’ve told him this and he only sort of believes me. This weekend I even cornered him in front of a friend and said the same thing. Now I’m going even further and telling him in front of the whole wide internet that it’s ok to tell people that I am mean to him sometimes. It’s ok to say, “I’m not really sure what to do when she does ‘x'”.

Really. It’s ok.

So awesome.

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I realized that I have gotten to have four dates in the past three weeks. (Ok, two of them are technically happening this week.) That’s amazing. I remain absolutely convinced that as wonderful as Noah is to be married to, he is even better to have an affair with. I have played with people who might have more technical skill in some specific area of bdsm but no one who has ever been able to climb inside my head and fuck with me the way he can. He is hands down the best lover I have ever had. He is attentive and sweet and a mean son-of-a-bitch. I so win. I get to keep him forever.

(Oh, and that cryptic entry… geez folks. Yes the sex will be with Noah. :P)

And then it happened

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And it wasn’t a big deal. I went hiking with Laura in the afternoon and came home after he left. Shanna and I snuggled and played and went to sleep reasonably early. He woke me up accidentally when he got home and we talked and figured stuff out and then had the hottest sex we’ve had in years. I guess feeling competitive is good for my drive.

I’m really surprised that I’m not upset. Now that it is over with and done there is nothing to anticipate and get nervous about. What’s done is done; there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk and all that. That’s really interesting to learn.

So much for the filter…

Talked to Noah lots.

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See, this is why I married him. We spent hours and hours talking last night. We went through all of the things that are bothering me, all of the myriad of ways that I’m upset/nervous/insecure. It was really good. He listened when I was ranting and gave me constructive feedback when I calmed down. We talked more specifically about why this is happening. It took coming up with some silly examples before I could get him to understand what this feels like. He’s a big foodie. I asked him how he would feel if I went up to The French Laundry with someone else and left him at home. He said that would upset him a lot. Ok, now you have some idea of how I feel. It’s not really as bad as all that but this is really hard. I feel like if I can get through this to the other side things will be ok. Let me rephrase: things will be ok when I get through this. No doubt in there. It’s like freaking out about getting blood drawn. It’s not my idea of a good time but afterward there won’t be a problem anymore.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

Benefits

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I think one of the most significant benefits of being married to Noah is just how enthusiastic he is about my looks/body. My friend Marcie took some pictures of Shanna and I recently and I was actually pretty surprised by how big I am. I don’t feel that big, but I guess I am. They are really cute pictures and I don’t think I look bad I just look heavy. No wonder I’m getting asked so often if I’m pregnant. 😀 I expressed to Noah my surprise at how heavy I look and he said, “Mmmmm. Yeah, you are totally hot.”

If I were really concerned about being thin he would be the worst person to be married to. I’m not that fussed though so he’s just awesome.

Reason # 4384953 Noah is the best husband ever

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So today we had a weird interaction in the morning. I wasn’t sure what caused it. But I felt like it was hostile. So after I did my withdraw/pissy thing I thought about it and couldn’t figure out what caused it. So I asked.

My wonderful husband then proceeded to explain what he interpreted about my actions and tone of voice and I did the same about his. We were both reacting to unintended slights and misunderstood tones. We apologized for our respective halves of the misunderstanding and fuss. Then we cuddled and renewed our membership in our mutual admiration society.

Have I mentioned that I love my husband?

Doing my best.

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So I kind of freaked on Noah yesterday. I’m not telling you why. Suffice to say I was not as awesome of a wife as he deserves. But I tried to find solutions. Then more stuff got complicated today. ACK. But I sent him off with his best friend tonight. It’s been hard for him to be stuck at home all the time with me. It’s hard to be supportive of someone getting their needs met when your needs are conflicting. I’m trying though.

This life and being a grown up and taking care of your partner stuff is all a big fat pain in the ass.

Trust (apparently part two because I’ve used this subject recently)

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Every so often Noah goes through and rereads my archive. I think this is a bit frightening as I know how much I have written. When I notice that he is doing this I tend to copycat. Honestly, I shouldn’t. I should simply smile and nod and let him read because he gets something out of it. I don’t get good things out of it. I get weird and insecure. I find things he said years ago and I want to point at them and say, “See! You said that! That’s why I get upset!” But that is an awful thing to do. Noah is allowed to change his mind and grow as a person and do different things now. I don’t need to take previous statements about “poly is non-negotiable” (dude has actually said it. I could point at dates.) and treat them as currently true. Because it isn’t currently true. Noah doesn’t feel that way at this point. Given how his life worked then I can see why it wasn’t negotiable then, but a lot has changed. I need to trust him.

Not quite two years ago Noah and I went through a rough patch. I was really awful to him. I did some things I’m not very proud of. If a good friend of mine came to me and said they were being treated the way I was treating Noah I would tell them to run, not walk, to get out of the relationship. But he trusted me and he let me try to change things. He trusted that I loved him enough to work through what I was doing and stop hurting him. I hope his trust was well placed, I have certainly worked very hard at stopping that behavior. He trusts me.

Trust is hard and scary. In a relationship it’s so multilayered. I have to trust him and he has to trust me and we both have to be able to trust ourselves. Noah has certainly done everything possible to earn my trust. I don’t know that I have done as much to earn his trust, but he gives it anyway. I think the hardest part is trusting myself. Part of being able to trust myself has to come from knowing myself well. Right now in order to behave in the way that Noah deserves I’m going to stop reading his old lj stuff. There is nothing wrong with anything he wrote and I’m glad that record of his life exists. But I internalize things that are not about me and then create problems around that. That is something that *I* do that is not his fault or really about anything he has said. I’m not going to do it this time. I’m going to trust that I made the right decision in having a relationship with him and that he is completely telling me the truth because that is what he does. He tells me the truth when it will make me angry, when it hurts me, and when I would really rather he lie. So I have every reason to trust him and to trust my faith in him.

I picked a good man. I picked a man who is willing to work through just about any level of hardness to stay with me. It doesn’t matter what was said five years ago or three years ago. What matters is what he has said consistently since the day we got married. He has lived up to his promises. Ok. Breathe. And no being a buggy weird bitch when he gets home.

Relationship thinking

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Have I ever mentioned that sometimes Noah drives me crazy? He and I come from such completely different worlds that sometimes it seems like there is no way to handle our respective baggage in tandem. Sometimes the arguing gets fierce and kind of nasty. Sometimes the fighting can stretch out over a couple of weeks. We keep fighting because we know we have to find a way to deal with the problem because this is forever and that means not only tolerating one another but getting to a place we are both happy with. This kind of blows in the middle of it. We both have coping mechanisms for these situations that aren’t very helpful. Eventually we find a way to really talk about what is going on beneath the situation. I try so hard to be honest with him and I’m impressed by how honest he is with me.

Last night I didn’t sleep because the couch is fucking uncomfortable and I was upset and crying. Tonight I can’t sleep because I can’t find a comfortable position. Tonight I know that when I finish my ice cream (hey–I still haven’t gained a pound it’s ok for me to have lots of fat/sugar/calories in the middle of the night) I can go back into my room and curl up around the best boy in the whole world. A day can make such a world of difference. A day can provide the opportunity to actually hear one another.

Hey Crystal–I took your advice. Thank you for beating it into my stubborn head. Love you.

Further proof that my life does not suck.

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Today, one of my kids went off campus during lunch and bought me a Jamba Juice. (The kid finishes school at 5th period–that’s the only reason he is allowed to leave.) This was after I bitched him out during 2nd period because he still hasn’t got his book and he was generally being a bit whiney. I think that apologizing after yelling at him probably helped. I told him I had no right to be such a bitch to him and he laughed. 🙂

Last night I jumped my hot honey. It was quite good. Sex is much less frequent these days, but oh so awesome when it happens.

My darling husband came to work with me this weekend and kept me company while I suffered through craptastic work. Have I mentioned that I am incredibly lucky?

We got to be social in three different venues this weekend–none of them for even 2 hours, but that is all the energy we have. It was good to see people. (This is the way to see me these days. Book a slot early in the day for 1-2 hours. That’s all the energy I have.)

And I finally got around to starting Harry Potter. Books 1 and 2 down. 🙂

Not what I expected.

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I took the advice of my therapist and a good friend. I did what I wanted for my birthday. It happened yesterday. It was fucking fabulous. No, ya’ll don’t get to know what it was. 😛 Ok, James and Chris know, but they have to keep their mouths shut.

I will tell you that Noah is the best husband ever for making me hand drawn “I will do ….” coupons. They are sweet and adorable and show a lot of work and consideration about what *I* actually want. Have I mentioned I married the right boy?

And! As a sorta birthday/really Christmas present to both of us–we booked a Disney cruise for Christmas vacation. We’re going to Disney World!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So. Fucking. Excited.

And tired. And hung over. Today I will smile wanly and not be my normal fireball self. That’s fine. 3/5 periods are doing research in the library. It’s almost like I planned for this…

Best.Husband.Ever.

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I don’t feel great today, but I need to go into work for a bit anyway. I’ve been moping and fussing and generally being lost and cranky. Noah was procrastinating on his stated goal for the day of “getting a haircut” and seemed to be just hanging out. I finally fessed up that I really wish he would come with me. I did it in a whiny little-girl voice sitting in a corner on the floor. He leaned over and said (in that fabulous stage whisper of his), “I figured out that you want me to go with you, but I’m waiting for you to leave so I can go get your anniversary present.” Giggling followed.

Now he is out getting whatever it is he is getting and I’m waiting at home. I will close my eyes so he can hide it when he returns. Then we will go to my work. 🙂

I married the right boy.

I need to breathe.

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So little time and so much to do. I actually do this sort of thing to myself on purpose. Many of the things on my To Do list have been there for months, but I only get around to doing them when I have a huge bunch of people who will notice if I have done them or not. The funny thing is–people will notice the really drastic stuff (the house being painted a bunch of very different, very dark colors) but no one but me will notice many of these things. I still care that I want to hang the pictures before the party. I want to feel settled in that way at the party. There is no way that we will be finished with painting before the party, but Noah has requested that I fix the bathroom because it is really badly painted. (The kids just skipped parts they didn’t feel like doing. The paint is incredibly uneven and you can see white wall through big chunks.) Looks like I will spend tomorrow doing that.

Noah told me last night that I should take today off and rest but I fiercely argued with him that if I take today off and I start running behind later in the week then I won’t be able to finish on time and then I will be not sleeping the nights before the event as I try to finish and… All bad. But then we didn’t get out of bed today until around 10. It is very rare for us to stay in bed so long. I’m exhausted and there aren’t very many parts of me that don’t hurt. I have a list of stuff to get done that is growing instead of getting shorter despite the fact that Noah rocks and has been working like mad.

Side bar–Noah and I don’t have the same values or priorities about housekeeping even slightly. Nevertheless he has been working very hard lately to meet and exceed my desires for our house. I’m deeply grateful that he is stretching himself in this way because it means I don’t have to do everything. It is a weird cognitive thing to wrap my head around that he is doing this stuff for *me* instead of just because it “should get done.” He is such a lovely boy.

Anyway, so I’m exhausted and grumpy and fussy and there are miles to go before I sleep.

Much yay

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Today I get to go in three hours late without having to bend the rules because I am an honest and straightforward person. So screw you to all of my dishonest colleagues. (Rant maybe forthcoming on that one.)

This morning I got all of the prep work done for the next few days that has been making me nervous. Sweet.

Today, I checked the bank account and saw what would have been once upon a time a staggering amount of money. At this point it isn’t staggering, but it is certainly plenty so that my darling husband could be out of work for months before I would worry even one iota about him finding a job. My salary is enough to keep us afloat and we have a beautiful cushion for just about any “just in case.” Oh, and the only debt we have left is the mortgage and my student loans due to me masterfully managing our money and paying off a rather large amount of debt in the past six months. Go me.

Yesterday I got to see my lovely Sarah, though only briefly, and she presented me with the baby clothes she has acquired so far. The fact that I am not the only one joyfully anticipating me getting pregnant lets me feel a sense of family and attachment I wouldn’t have believed I would get. Thank you Sarah; thank you for being my family. Eight more weeks until I stop taking birth control. The days are flying by…

Including today I have 31 more days of educational opportunity remaining with my kidlets. But that includes finals and weird schedules and I don’t see any of the individual classes that many times. Really I only have 22 more days with each individual class. Eeeek! Must get through this book! But I have a good solid unit plan in front of me and I am confident that I will get through it and my babies will do well.

Life is really good.

{my shit} Freakin out

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Not a good day. Not a good day at all. I’m having anxiety attacks and freaking out. I can point at specific things and say, “See–that’s why I am feeling this way” but it isn’t entirely true. Yes, I feel like this because of those things, but it is my interpretation of those things that creates the problem.

I want to be cryptic and I want to get this shit off my chest before kids get here so I can maybe calm down. I’m sorry baby, I don’t think privacy is going to win this time.

I’m still freaking out because of the scene that went so badly for me in December. I still feel edgy and scared and disturbed. I still don’t want to have sex much. I feel unsafe. But my beloved baby doesn’t feel these same things because he didn’t have the same experience. I don’t say that as a slam or negative statement about him–just as a statement of truth with no judgment. The trouble comes in because I don’t want to have sex. He does. Having ridiculous amounts of sex has been one of the big pillars of our relationship. So uhhhh now we are having a hard time because I don’t feel safe enough to do it and yet he still has the same libido he has always had. I feel pressured and like I am failing to live up to the basics of our relationship. Mostly due to the fact that I am pathetic, insecure, and stupid we aren’t doing the open relationship thing right now so he doesn’t have any other outlet either. This is a problem because I feel like I am not willing to meet his needs and I am keeping him from getting them met elsewhere. This very much feels like the whole situations becomes “all my fault.” It doesn’t help that we have this whole brutal honesty thing. I know he isn’t happy and I feel terribly guilty and awful.

Noah gets upset with me because I can take things he says and twist them just a little bit and use them to beat myself up for a long time. There is a lot right now I am doing that with. I’m having a hard time really believing that he should be with me given that I am failing to a)meet his needs b)allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. I feel like he is suffering because I am crazy and stupid and that isn’t fair to him.

I started thinking at some point this morning that I should just start completely shutting ‘me’ down and just do it. I realized years ago that I am just a hair and a bad day away from being multiple. I am very good at putting on a completely different personality in order to get through various things. I’ve done this since I was a little kid but I have always fought very hard to keep the different personas highly conscious of one another so I am not a real multiple. If I stopped fighting so hard I could easily disassociate completely though. It has certainly happened. I kind of feel like it might be better/easier if I just started doing that. I know that it would be a new and exciting kind of psychological damage and I shouldn’t be seeking new damage in the course of trying to deal with old shit but it feels right now like I am so broken that there is no point in trying to be anything else anyway.

I want to cut. I want to cut so bad I can barely breathe. I would almost like to retreat to the relative comfort/hiding place of being suicidal but I am just functional enough to know that it isn’t an option. I wish it was. Somewhere along the way of fixing my shit I realized that suicide is entirely selfish and I am just functional enough to know how much it would hurt many people for me to do it. I kind of with I didn’t realize it because sometimes I feel like I am drowning under the weight of having to suck it up for the sake of other people.

I don’t know how to be the partner Noah deserves right now. I feel so awful and pathetic and terrible. I hate that I *feel* like he would be better off if I completely disappeared so he could find someone better. I hate that intellectually I know that would destroy him and he would probably never feel safe enough to really look if I did something like that. I would give just about anything to not hurt right now.

The bell rings in three minutes. No more time for me to be stupid and self absorbed.

The biggest perk

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I made a joke last night about the perks I get from being married that was a bit off color and didn’t fully flatter my baby. Really though, the best perk is that anytime he wakes up at all he instantly rolls over so he can grab me like a teddy bear and pull me in close to snuggle. And I am going to get to experience that for decades. I win.

{insecurity} Stuff

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I have always been insecure–as long as I can remember anyway. And most of the time I am told to get over it. I am told to just stop. But Noah doesn’t do that.

We cover a lot of the same ground over and over and over again. But he doesn’t lose patience with me. I ask him the same stupid questions over and over. He still reassures me.

I’m getting to the point where I might even believe he is telling the truth.

It’s a crazy idea. Maybe I’m not just the latest. Maybe I am actually special.

Being good enough

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Some days I get it into my head that I am not good enough. When I do this I latch onto something as an example to prove that I am not good enough. This time it’s related to sex. I’ve taken way too much pride over the years in the fact that I am generally considered to be very good at sex. I have gone out and deliberately learned how to be better.

But I’m not the best at everything. And sometimes knowing that hurts. Sometimes knowing that means that I hate the people who are better. Especially when they are people I know, people I am jealous of anyway.

I know I need to grow up, but this one sucks.

And in the process of being stupid and immature I hurt Noah. I wish I could be all that he deserves.

Timeline of insanity.

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Three years ago today my favorite dance partner, terpsichoros took me to my first DHP. I went because I heard it was wild and exciting. There was also this other boy going and I wanted to flirt with him a lot. Tom and I had very tentatively opened our relationship in December though sex wasn’t permitted with anyone until January. I was on a mad hunt for new people because the near celibacy of the previous year and some were just too much for me. At this DHP I ended up sandwiched between the boy I was crushing on and the strange host of the party. I never did figure out what made him go for me so hard that night.

I went out on first dates with the host of that party and the boy I was crushing on within a week. 🙂 The other boy was an intermittent part of my life for about a year in a very casual way. But uhm… the host, that would be Noah, didn’t end up being casual. At that time he had a primary and I had a primary and I had a lot of rules governing how much contact I got to have without outside people and there were time restrictions on how quickly anything could happen. Which means that on my first date (2/26) with Noah I told him that there would be no sex. Given what a pushy tramp he is he still was very pushy and forward sexually and that pushiness very nearly made it so that he didn’t get a second date. But I spent time with him, often going to the gym with him, and talking over the next few weeks. About a month later we finally had sex and it was ok. 🙂

We got closer and more emotionally intimate. He became the first and only person to ever ask me, “What happened to you?” He is still the only person to ever care that way for me. He wants to see me. We dated until late November. During this period I was the one insisting that I was still just a secondary. He was very enamored of the idea of my being a co-primary with the other girl he was involved with. I had the sneaky suspicion this wasn’t actually ok with her at all and later it was discovered that I was basically right. I broke up with him because I would not be “co-primary” and I didn’t want to come second behind her. I wanted to be the Most Important Person to someone and as long as I was so obsessed with Noah and enraptured with him I couldn’t look for that. It never entered into my head to ask him to change the nature of his relationship with the other girl. That would not have been ok in my head.

So I dumped him, hard. It wasn’t pretty for either of us. It didn’t take long (maybe a month or so) and even though I was pretty certain that a Relationship wouldn’t work I just couldn’t stay out of his bed. Ok, maybe the sex was better than ok. 🙂 But I tried to keep distance there. Then I made a nine month mistake commonly referred to by short hand as “Puppy.” During that period I managed to stay out of Noah’s bed through sheer force of will and desperation to find something that might work somewhere else. Noah was still very much my best friend. His relationship with the other girl went away with much drama. He dated other people, some for short periods some for longer. He started dating a very nice, gentle girl while I was early on in my mistake. I thought he was happy. I was trying so hard to be happy.

Then, by a year after breaking up with him, I was single again and stopping to look at my life and what I wanted. I was still spending time with my wonderful best friend. I was still pretty completely obsessed with him. I dreamed about him. I thought about him all the time. I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to ruin his happy relationship with the new girl, I had broken up with him and I didn’t deserve him anymore. Though I did have active plans to ask him to knock me up when I was 26/27 because I couldn’t imagine a better co-parent.

But in March, two days before the second anniversary of the first time we had sex, he came over to have dinner and hang out. We did that often without it turning into anything other than friendship. This time he told me that he wanted me more than anything, that he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me, and even though he believed I would say no–he had to ask or he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. I sat there in stunned shock for a couple minutes trying to find words. He believed this meant I was trying to figure out how to break it to him gently that I didn’t want him and started stammering out how he knows it won’t work and I don’t want him and… I told him to shut up and launched myself at him and told him yes. Yes, I would marry him. Yes, I want him. We did kiss, but very specifically on both our parts we kept all clothing on. He uhhh was still with the other girl. We talked about how much it was going to hurt her and I was very sad there was no way that I could see for all of us to be happy. I wasn’t going to give up on him again though, not for anything.

He broke up with her. It was uncomfortable and hard. I really have nothing negative to say about how she responded at all–there would have been no better way for her to be. Noah and I started trying to figure out how we fit together without any one else being between us. It was actually a slow warm up. Even though we were sort of technically engaged already we tried to not be instantly together all the time or enmeshed. We only saw one another a couple times a week for a few months. We didn’t advertise how seriously we were taking the relationship for a while. I told him that it was important to me that he not just be exchanging one full time girl for another full time girl. We had to be seperate for a while before we could be together. That sort of worked. The warm up was slow-ish (I’m honest) and good. We started making plans for the future.

One thing we talked about a lot was selling this house and renting for a while so that we could build up a more significant deposit on a better house. Eventually this plan was vetoed for a variety of reasons, but not before his then housemate moved out. It was June by then (whoo hoo, three whole months later) and I was experiencing plagues and pestilence in my apartment. (The flooding from the upstairs toilet and the bug infestations were just Not Funny.) Given that he needed to have some help with his mortgage it looked like he might have to get a new housemate. But… my apartment was sucking… So given that I would be moving in sometime in the near future anyway I just moved in then. Then I ran off to the east coast on vacation and started proceedings for the gorgeous ring that is mine.

We spent the summer trying to figure out how/if poly was going to work for us. Yeah, most of what we figured out is that poly is a fucking headache. We were also talking about the ominous cloud of wedding planning hanging over our heads. Then I got sick. And people were sweet and wonderful and tried to be helpful in convincing me that going to a doctor would be a good idea. In this process they told me that some of my symptoms could potentially indicate a very serious illness that could kill me. While in the midst of freaking out at the idea that I could die I looked over at Noah one night before going to bed and said, “If it turns out I am dying, can we go get married this weekend so that at least I get to be married to you before that happens?” He agreed. So I went to the doctor–uhm yeah… not dying. I’ll be fine. Well don’t I feel silly. So I came home all sheepish and told Noah that I wasn’t dying. He was happy about this. I sat there and fussed and dawdled as I worked my way up to saying, “So uhm, would you be interested in getting married this weekend anyway?”

This was on Thursday before Labor Day weekend. We found a lovely B&B up in Tahoe, booked a room for the weekend and drove up on Friday. We bought a pretty dress and lovely gold rings on the way (my “real” ring still hadn’t arrived). We had a lovely night enjoying our last night of sin before we became all legally sanctioned. The wedding was small (us and the minister) and quick. We said our own vows and I had moments of terror–oh god, what if I am FUCKING UP?!!!! But I stomped that voice out ruthlessly. We went back to the B&B and had a lovely dinner and enjoyed our wedding pint of Haggen Das vanilla ice cream–it’s all about priorities. 🙂 We drank port and enjoyed one another very much.

By late September neither of us were dating anyone else. The poly headache just kind of… was shelved. We fell more and more deeply into enjoying one another and figuring out the rocky bits of how to deal with one another (I may be harder than average to handle, but Noah has his moments too). Meeting his family over Thanksgiving was an experience I will never forget, or need to repeat.

We had a lovely fun Christmas season with some really hot people, but have been really cheerfully monogamous for the past couple months. Given that breeding is in the pretty near future it looks like monogamy will continue to be the mode for the forseeable future. Yeah, we are crazy enough to want to breed and to do it soon.

Do I know this relationship will work out? No. I’m really hoping. I believe that a lot of what makes relationships work is wanting to make them work and I think we both have a very high level of investment in making this work. I love him. I like him. I think this has at least as much potential as any other relationship and more than a good many. So I’m hoping.

Thank you terpsichoros. I owe you more than I can ever repay. You gave me dancing, which I love, and you introduced me to my future. Did you have any idea what you were doing? 🙂

Mmmm commercialization

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In my career I see messloads of emphasis on V-Day. ASB makes messloads of money off of bringing around balloons, candy, cards, etc. One of the kids gave me a cute little card. It says, “Hope your day is a big hit!” with a picture of Scooby Doo. 🙂 He asked me to be his Valentine too. I found that quite adorable. I specifically did not give him a hug afterwards though cause if he does have a crush encouraging it would be bad.

We are going out to dinner and that will be fun. It’s kind of weird to look at expectations. I don’t really want much attention paid to it, but at the same time I feel weird knowing that not much attention is going to be paid to it. I feel like there is some deeper badness implied by mostly ignoring it. But I also know that if i had given one second of hint that I wanted Noah to pay attention to it he would have gone way overboard in standard Noah fashion.

He actually made dinner reservations without my knowledge or input. He did take initiative. Noah is sweet and wonderful. Ok, no stupid angsty shit over the fact that I’m not getting balloons. 🙂

And rbus: the history of Ted is simple. Tom gave me Ted for our first Valentine’s together. I teased him that he bought it at the grocery store on the way home because he realized, “Oh shit… I didn’t do anything for Valentine’s” and he said that wasn’t true. At this point I believe him. It’s all weird. Ted became my constant companion for sleeping basically immediately. I keep him with me for sleeping with such intensity that he has gone on almost every single trip I have been on since then. I had Edmund for a long time–he was another bear that Tom and I had together. Eventually Edmund went to live with a nice girl who really needed a bear to love. Edmund went on a few trips Ted didn’t for a variety of reasons. Edmund went to Ireland by himself because I left Ted on my boyfriend’s bed on my way to the airport. 🙁 That was sad.

But! It’s been a great few years!