Tag Archives: relationship

Continued thoughts

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I had a thought on the way home about why I might be feeling so raw about the Noah stuff.

For the vast majority of our relationship it has been very acknowledged that he was much more into me than I was into him. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t tremendously into him… but there was an imbalance. That imbalance gave me security and power. Not sure when, but sometime recently I realized that I was no longer in such a position cause yeah… I’m pretty freakin obsessed with him. I am crazy about my husband. I think I let myself fall far and hard when he and I actually got married. And we have spent a lot of time lately going over what we want our future plans to look like in terms of me staying home with kidlets for a good many years.

So, what this means is that fairly recently and fairly suddenly I have gone from being rather independent and in a position where I am establishing my own security to needing his cooperation to ensure continued stability in life and in the not too distant future I will be in fact, financially dependent on him.

Cue panic attacks.

Maybe this is why all of a sudden it means the End Of The World if I am not the Best and Prettiest and Most Wonderfulest EVER. I’m scared. If we keep moving forward with current plans, in about 19 or so months I will be more dependent on another human being than I have been since I was 15. I’m terrified. Maybe this is why the idea of poly is causing me to wake up with night sweats. I’m so afraid of not being independent and yet there are things I want that preclude being completely independent.

Luckily, Noah is the most open minded and wonderful of men and he is trying very hard to be supportive as I struggle with this mental shift. So grateful for him.

More thinking

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I’ve been thinking a lot. And getting other peoples’ opinions. And talking to Noah. So uhhh yeah, in other words I’ve been continuing to be me in the past 24 hours.

What is enough? Is there any such thing as enough ever in life? Can I be enough? Can I have enough? Will I ever be satisfied? The conversation this morning was sticky and owie. Noah pointed out something that I am doing that is really hard for me to justify once I actually look at it. Honestly, that’s a hard thing. I feel like giving him a hearty smack and announcing, “No reality in this relationship!” But that just won’t fly for this one. I can only say that when it’s funny. Right now it would hurt. When people point at things about me and try to focus on them I generally pull them away. If Noah compliments me on some particular part of me then I try to hide it. For example, he really likes my hips/belly curvyness. My instant reaction is to want to put on a loose, billowy dress and hide that part of me. I got really upset with him that the part of my looks he is inclined to compliment most is all stuff below the neck, but why? Why do I get so mad at him? I would get just as mad if not more so if he *didn’t* compliment me in that way. It was suggested to me last night that there is a script I want to hear and if I want to actually get it I should tell him what it is. This… is something I am thinking about.

Do I really want him to just parrot back to me a script I write for him? I’m actually really proud of him for having the courage to say things to me he knows I don’t want to hear. That is very hard for him and he is taking me at my word that I want him to be honest and he is honoring me by giving me truth. I don’t think I want to take his truth away from him. I need to get better at hearing truth and understanding where it is coming from and not being hurt by it. It hurts less today than it did yesterday. This morning Noah read me a poem that he worries about me mimicking in terms of pulling away from the relationship. I would have appreciated the comparison more if he hadn’t told me that it is what Talia did, but hey–one can’t have everything. I pull away when I feel any threat to my security. I do it because I don’t feel safe enough to be giving of myself. I generally come back, I just need more security first. It has always been a hard thing for me that when I feel like I need to pull back people get upset with me. I don’t feel like it is fair that people expect me to continue to make myself vulnerable when I’m scared but at the same time I know that I am not the only one needing comfort at that point. It’s hard. I can sometimes be comforting but usually I can’t.

Yesterday I didn’t even want to go home I hurt so much. I stayed out later than I have in months without Noah. I didn’t even really tell him what I was doing even though we have agreed to do so. 🙁 I feel very immature. So scared. Still don’t know what to do. It’s hurting less today, but still hurts. Now I’m getting even more random and rambly.

Not pretty

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This is locked to a very small filter. I trust that the people who can read this will understand that no relationship is perfect and this is stuff going on for me and not any kind of indication that I should break up with Noah. This is a lot of vanity and arrogance and pretention wrapped up in a horrid little package.

Yesterday was the kinky flea. It happens 3 or 4 times a year. I’ve been going for a long time and I have some odd/mixed feelings about it. It is a primarily social event and one of the biggest that happens during the year in this area. I have long used it as a bolster for my fragile ego. When I go I specifically try to dress up and I get my ego strokes through the comments of people who are highly discriminating about who they are willing to call “pretty.” Highly discriminating in this case meaning “total assholes who are snobs about female beauty.” As much as I love and adore my friends, most of them are not really snotty about good looks. I don’t say that to be mean in any way. I desperately want that kind of validation for all sorts of fucked up emotional reasons. Anyway…

Noah and I got up and decided to go to the flea after having lunch at a fabulous Indian restaurant. It had been an uncomfortable night and uncomfortable morning as we talked about some hard stuff. We defaulted to waiting to eat at all until lunch. This was our first mistake of the day. See, when I don’t eat I become rather psycho. And I stop thinking clearly and I go through more and more rounds of self-loathing. The problem yesterday morning? Well… I couldn’t figure out what to wear. I needed wanted (let’s be realistic) something warm enough to keep me from freezing, something that I hadn’t worn a bazillion times, and something very figure flattering. The hardest piece there is “I haven’t worn it a bazillion times.” I haven’t done much fetish shopping in the past few years and my wardrobe is becoming increasingly limited if I don’t want to wear the same things over and over and over. After an hour of trying to figure out what to wear I was in tears and I slumped down against the door (my temper tantrums are rather pathetic and I try to do them behind closed doors so no one can see them) and cried thinking about how pathetic and stupid and ugly I am. I really hate that I do this to myself.

I finally reached the point of throwing up my hands and just put on a pair of jeans. Noah brilliantly suggested that we go eat before thinking about the rest of the day. Bless him. So we went and ate and I become something vaguely resembling human and rational. Only vaguely though. Then we got to start talking about why I was so upset and what the flea means to me. I told him that I would rather not go at all if I am not going to look good and impress people in the process. I realized how selfish I was being and I asked him what he wanted for the day. He said he wanted to go and be social and have fun. So I put on a boring outfit I have worn 3000 times and tried to suck it up. I maintained some level of cheerful, even if only on the surface, for most of the day. Then we saw Tom and his date and she was wearing the Slut of the Day collar (so named by a friend of Tom’s like 10 years ago because he puts it on everyone when they go out the first few times) and metal cuffs that we bought together. We searched long and hard for cuffs that I could wear for a significant length of time without having problems before we found them. It really *hurt* to see her wearing them. We left fairly quickly after that because my mood was shot and I couldn’t fake cheerful anymore.

We then went and did some Christmas shopping at Good Vibes and sat down and looked at a coffee table type book about breasts for a while. Talking about the models and the pictures lead me down some lovely unhappy thought trails. On the way home we started a conversation that really sucked ass through a straw.

I have always had this hang up. I want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the Most Awesome partner for my partners that they can possibly imagine. Well… I was all kinds of self destructive and brought this up with Noah. Well… I’m not. And it hurts like crazy. The way things ended up the attitude is that I am the best possible partner he has ever met and he wouldn’t trade up on any of the individual points because the overall balance is the best he has found and would not be willing to compromise on some of the ways that I am really good. It’s very weird because I feel very confident that Noah isn’t likely to leave me for someone prettier, but it hurts like crazy that he thinks there are prettier women. It hurts so much.

This is all so stupid because when I think about Noah it isn’t as if I have a mental checklist of “Perfect” that he matches point for point. He is just so wonderful in general that any area where he isn’t the best ever doesn’t matter in terms of the big picture. I can know that about our relationship in terms of me looking at him and not feel like it is diminishing him, but him thinking that about me makes me feel like a failure. This is so hard because at this point it isn’t like I am going to leave him over this. It isn’t even an option at all. But god I hurt. And I don’t know how to fix it.

{inner circle} Hard stuff.

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This weekend a couple of things have come up which have been hard. Ok, so one didn’t exactly just come up now, but it was focused on with great force.

In therapy we were talking about how upset I am about the upcoming trip to Texas to meet Noah’s parents. I had originally asked for us to stay in a hotel so we could have more autonomy but through a series of unfortunate events it sounded like we were going to be at the mercy of his mother and her whims for the entire trip. Being me I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and was trying to brace myself for the trip. But the anxiety was getting worse and worse and worse. I ended up crying through a lot of therapy because I just can’t bare to be at someone’s mercy like this. I am so freaked out about meeting them, period, that I just can’t be at her beck and call the whole trip or I will freak out. But I’ve been really afraid of talking to Noah about this so he’s been assuming that I was fine with the arrangement.

I finally talked to him yesterday in the midst of my panic attack about how upset I was. How most of the problem was the control. I can’t really handle not being in control of where I am and how I’m getting around. He listened really well. He was willing to do whatever I needed in order to make this situation one where I am not doomed to misery from the outset. Lots more talking later and we are renting a car and getting a hotel room for some of the trip. (During the rest we get to sleep in an out building with a lock on the door so his mother can’t come wake us up before we’re ready.) I’m feeling much better. I’m nervous about how his mom is going to take the news, but that is going to be better than the alternative.

I’m still having a hard time with my family, but that shocks no one.

And yesterday I sucked ass at holding boundaries. I was trying to be supportive of a friend and I did it in a horrible way for me. I let her think encouraged her to think that it would be just fine if she used Noah as her standing ego boost. I shouldn’t have. I should have told her, actually no… Noah isn’t doing that kind of thing right now–neither of us are. But I didn’t. And now I’m scared that I am going to have to say it at some point in the future. I’m having a pretty hard time with the fact that I can’t figure out how to hold the boundaries I think should be in place right now. It isn’t that I am trying to take Noah off the market completely and forever, but I think we should develop a ‘we’ before adding in the complications of other people. It’s hard enough to deal with my insecurities without there being a person to point at and feel insecure about. I think I can learn to be secure here, but I’m not there yet. But I also don’t want to present myself as his jailor. 🙁 I want to be the carefree openly sexual girl but right this minute I can’t be.

You think you’re living on the edge, but I think you’re hanging from a ledge

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I’ve been on a real song kick lately. There are a handful of songs that I am listening to over and over. Kerosene, What About Georgia, Not Ready To Make Nice… All really good and interesting. But yeah. That’s an aside.

What I really want to post about is some of the lessons marriage is teaching me.

I am better off sleeping by the wall instead of the edge of the bed because that way I don’t kick my blanket off the bed. (This has just not been a problem before and I’m not sure why it has been lately.)
Everyone is happier if we have ice cream in the house.
It’s ok to say that something is hurting me without it meaning that he is bad and he understands that. It’s ok to say I’m not feeling happy.
It’s not a bad thing for us to have separate dinners.
He really is ok with going to bed early with me.
Maybe he does actually like me after all.

baggage (navel gazing)

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Last night I cried the whole way home from work. Not from work stress and certainly not from any stress having to do with Noah. I was thinking about my family. When I got home I went into our bedroom and wrote a long letter to them. I don’t think I will send it until Mercury is no longer in retrograde though.

Thinking about it, I haven’t been properly attributing a lot of my upset lately. I’ve been feeling insecure about some of the poly stuff with Noah but I don’t think that is actually it. I’m hurting because of how my family treats me and that is trickling into everything else right now. I have every reason in the world to be secure in my relationship. I’ve also been looking back on archive stuff I wrote when I was with Tom. Holy crap. Wow that relationship was massively broken. I’ve been thinking about this because lately my memories have been very whitewashed. I tend to hold on to good memories and forget bad things. Tom only seemed so good because he was so much better than anything I had before that, but that doesn’t mean our relationship was actually “good.”

Wow. It is hard to believe how much better my life is now. And I am actually happier than I have been before. And realistically my life is going to keep getting better. Wow.

I am so lucky. I have the most amazing friends and the best husband ever. Ok, so I still feel unhappy about my family–but I have to keep that in perspective and not let it affect my perceptions of my life as a whole. Cause boy howdy my life rocks.

Perspective

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I can describe my life right now and say, “I go to work. I grade papers. I go to trainings. I get up way too early in the morning. I hardly ever see my friends. I spend most of my spare time working or cleaning house.”

And it’s all true. It just sounds like so much more of a downer than my life feels like. I’m working 6 days a week and usually 9-11 hour days. (Weekend training can be as short as about 4 hours. Whoo hoo!) No matter how much time I put into my job there is an infinite amount of work left to do. I vacilate hard between feeling like I am doing a good job and feeling like I am not doing as much as my kids deserve. But my comp & lit kids are doing more work than anyone has seen this kind of group do in years. My juniors are feeling challenged but they aren’t drowning. That is the balance I am searching for. I have unit plans in place for this entire grading period and that makes me feel really good. I have a lot of grading to do, but I am more up to date on it than anyone else in my department so I can’t really feel too bad about it.

I spend most of my time at home, this means I get to spend most of my time with Noah! I am continually blown away by how wonderful he is. Does this mean we always get along? Of course not–I’m a pain in the ass. But he puts up with me cheerfully and helps me figure out why I’m feeling out of sorts which means that hopefully we are making progress towards less-cranky. It’s a goal.

Our house is coming along. He is surprised at how much organizing I have done so far. Yay for kitchens with food in them! 😉 I’m really happy about the nesting process. We have probably a month or two more of work before we can start painting given that I only have a day a week to work on stuff. I’m hoping that I can do lots of work during Christmas break. It would be good.

I’m busy, stressed, tired, and happy. I guess that is all I can ask of life.

run run run flop run run run

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My work week consists of running around like mad all week. Teaching, and prep work, and grading (which I’m not doing enough of), and meetings, and parent phone calls… it seems that the pace never lightens up. I’m exhausted like crazy by Friday.

Last Friday we were supposed to go see a play but as a result of not getting moving quickly enough and general crankiness, we stayed home instead. It turned out to be a good thing cause Noah is kind of sick and he needed the rest. We passed out by about 9:30. On Saturday I had another tattoo sitting but I only made it through about 30 minutes before I *lost* it. I just couldn’t be calm or rational. 🙁 We went home and spent the day in bed cause I was sick to my stomach all day. Of course we passed out by about 9:30. Sunday we soldiered our way through a gym trip despite being tired, borderline sick, and my back hurting. Sunday we ran a few errands and then flopped at home. We passed out by about 9:30.

Wow, we sound remarkably boring. Only it was awesome and wonderful. I loved the time I got to spend with my baby. We talked and talked and talked, often about hard/scary/painful things that we need to get through. We played and tried to map out a few more boundaries in our relationship. Resting and relaxing and cuddling together made not feeling so hot a pretty great thing cause it was an excuse to stay in bed. 🙂

I love my husband.

{close friends}Tracking Mood

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Boy howdy does my mood vary a great deal. How tired I am has a rather remarkable influence on my mood. I’ve been doing really well and staying upbeat and at least mostly cheerful for a while, but Wednesdays wipe me out. I need to be at work fairly early on Wednesday because there is always some last minute prep to do so I get here at about 7:30. I teach from 8:20 to 2:35 with a fifteen minute break and a 40 minute lunch. After school I have kids in here to serve detention or get help with work/do makeup testing. At 3:30 I have a meeting with my mentor who is doing stuff with me to help me clear my credential. She leaves at about 4:30. Then I need to make sure I have copies done and my board set up for the next day. I also usually have a little bit of cleaning up and organizing to do. I try to get at least a little bit of grading done as well. If I’m lucky I leave at 5:00. Usually 5:30 and yesterday it was 6. I’m not really saying that my job is harder than anyone else’s, cause it isn’t. I’m not saying I work longer hours, because I don’t. But good grief I am wiped out. I have had other jobs, libraries, retail, food service, substituting–they didn’t wear me out like this. I have to be on for almost all of the time I am at work. I am interacting and responding to questions and thinking as hard and fast as I can. I love it and I don’t want to be doing anything else–but I have nothing left at the end of the day.

So I’ve been feeling remarkably boring and uninteresting lately. I had people over last Friday and it didn’t turn into what I wanted. I invited about 24 people expecting that almost no one would be available with 48 hours notice. I was wrong. I ended up with 20 freakin people in my house. I was really hoping for about 10 so that we could really sit down and play games and be mellow. Instead I ended up hosting all night long. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be fixing food and getting drinks and showing people how to do stuff all night long. I wanted quiet mostly cuddly time and instead I felt even more wasted by the end. I was not happy that so many of my friends showed up expecting dinner without bringing much if anything at all. I felt kind of taken advantage of. I hadn’t wanted to host a party. Many of the people there didn’t even have much of an interest in playing games which was very disappointing to me because that was what I advertised. So I really wanted a specific type of interaction, I organized it, and then it still didn’t happen. I feel let down.

The rest of the weekend was really awesome though. Time spent basically one-on-one with Noah is about as good as time can get. And Oh My God HAWT sex.

This week I have been dragging ass all week. I need to get a lot more sleep this weekend, which is going to be a challenge for me. I just don’t sleep well/much. And as a result of being tired I feel incredibly insecure. I have less than no reason for being insecure. I don’t think it would be possible for someone to be more into another person than Noah is into me. Yet… I still fel worried and scared. I mean…. he freakin married me. Why am I so insecure? He hasn’t been dating anyone else because we are so wrapped up in our mutual obsession and happiness and glee to be together. I feel scared though. I feel scared that it isn’t going to be long before he is pushing really hard to be with other people more. Given how much time I spend at work it really isn’t reasonable for me to try to date anyone else at this point. I am only awake and not at work for maybe 5 hours a day and I’m getting ready for work, making dinner, and trying to fall asleep for most of them. I don’t have the energy for another person, that is a very small part of the reason I broke up with Erik. (Ok, so mostly he ignored me and didn’t treat me particularly well–but that’s another story.) I was relieved though when I stopped having to balance time and attention with another person. Noah was feeling cranky that I might be going on dates with Erik and paying lots more attention to him and having lots of sex on those dates when I was exhausted and unable to do the same with Noah. Well… no I wasn’t. I just don’t have the energy for anyone right now. 🙁 I’m doing a little better when it’s just Noah though.

I feel like I’m going to have to deal with him going out and chasing someone else soon. This isn’t true, but I’m still worried. We agreed to not go out looking for new partners for a year. Partially cause I am just insecure and partially because I think if we want to have a marriage that is a full on partnership we need to give that time to develop before we deal with other people and their needs. He agreed to that, but I pushed for it. Just like I pushed for the actual elopement. Just like I’m the one pushing for D/s. He says he wants these things too, and he agrees whenever I push… but I am the one pushing. 🙁 I feel very scared that I am pushing too hard/far and he is going to eventually get upset with me for asking for too much. I am terrified of once again asking for too much, wanting too much, needing too much from a partner. I don’t know how I would handle it to be rejected by Noah the way I have been by my other partners.

I feel like I want to just stop pushing for things but I know that I can’t really manage to stop asking for what I want and I know that I really wouldn’t be happy that way either. And so I’m pushing. And I’m scared. And I’m insecure. And I feel stupid and immature and I often cry when I’m driving in the car. I feel like I have been handed basically everything I have always wanted on a silver platter but I don’t trust this. It’s too new and too fragile.

I’m so scared.

Testimony

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I have the best partner ever. I am uhhh somewhat given to over reacting. My baby will let me huff and puff and blow the house down without getting involved or upset. It’s the best possible reaction to my hystrionics. He tells me that it is better to get out the bad emotions than bottle them up. I feel very loved.

I picked the right boy.

Sad day

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I’m seriously overtired and that makes me more inclined to be sad. I am tired because I stayed up late helping Noah pack and generally clinging to him like a lichen. Before I even dropped him off I was already aching with missing him. This is going to be a very long six days. I am such a wuss. This is only going to be six days. That is like 1/3 of how long I was in New York. But things are different now. I wasn’t used to living with him then. I wasn’t used to seeing him first thing every morning and every night. I was still adjusting to the endless hours of processing. I can comfortably say that I am fine with them now. Ok, I still hit limits sometimes… but not as often. The hard moments are getting easier and easier. And… I just miss him.

I told him that I don’t know if I will be able to sleep in our bed cause it is really big and scary and empty. He asked me to try so that I stop thinking of the other bed as ‘mine’ and the big bed as ‘his.’ I’ll try. I forsee crying tonight.

The weird thing? The biggest consolation I have is that he is going to be sleeping with the Super Princess while he is gone. It feels like he is joining me in a tradition. I like that.

{my shit} Feeling brittle

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I am so incredibly on edge it isn’t funny. The slightest things set me off. Last night Noah made a rather silly comment and I took it very personally and basically threw a temper tantrum and left the room to sleep in the guest room. It seemed like a better option than continuing to be petty and stupid and nasty. It seems like everything is over the top right now. Proportionate reactions are a thing of the distant past. Although, in our defense–when we stop the nastiness and get around to actually trying to figure out what happened it is taking less and less time. I’m hopeful.

My therapist had some lovely things to say about my family. When I said I felt bad about being so angry she said, “Uhm, sounds like they are assholes and you should be angry” and when I asked her for advice on how to handle their manipulations better without yelling she said, “Oh, you mean how can you give them more of what they want and still not feel like shit about it?” She so has me pegged. Still not easy though. I haven’t figured out what I am going to do about them. Given that within the next month we need to send out save the date announcements for the wedding my current plan is to just not send any to anyone in my family. 🙁

Bitches, boundaries, and dirty little secrets.

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When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.

So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.

So here we go–a rather unhappy and dark picture of me.

{relationship stuff} Claiming

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Disclaimer: So, this is a rather small filter. There are 15 people on it That means that most of the people you might expect to be reading me won’t see stuff on this filter. A bunch of you have partners who are not on this filter. I’m not specifically going to say that I don’t want you to tell your partner anything about this, but please be vague if you decide to share information. I was talking with Noah about my general need for processing in a way that has an audience and he is fully understanding of the fact that the over-share is going to happen.He did express a preference that when I get into the times when I’m upset that it not be terribly public. This is more than fair so I created a filter of really close and trusted friends. I am also distinctly of the opinion that when I am really mad at him for some reason, that is as much about me and my shit as it is about him or the situation. My goal is to never slam him publicly or privately and if I ever skirt too close to that line, even on this filter, please feel free to call me on it. I’m allowed to be mad at him. I’m not allowed to denigrate him as a person. When I want advice about how to handle something, I will specifically ask for it. Otherwise it is the standard”tread carefully” kind of approach to giving me unsolicited advice. 🙂 The people I am sharing this with are the people I love and trust a great deal. I’m sharing this stuff in this way because I do respect and honor your opinions. I’m trusting you to be ok seeing parts of me that I may not share generally with the world. I’m going to be talking about bdsm, sex, abuse stuff… who knows. If you don’t want to see any portion of this, feel free to ask to be taken off the filter; I will understand.

Continue reading →

Conflicted

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I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.

This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.

Progress.

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So we’re up to 8 days of suck. It’s been exciting. But we’ve also been steadily making progress. We’ve figured out how to work around my, “I don’t announce in a group that I am upset–EVER” thing in order to usefully communicate. That was good. We’ve talked more about how time should be spent in general at group events. We have talked a lot about what we each want from play and how to get there. And last night we made up an Actual Rule. We modeled it off a friend. His rule is that he can’t date anyone crazier than him cause HE is the psycho in the relationship. We modified that a bit. Noah isn’t allowed to date anyone crazier than me. I’m the psycho in his life. This pleases me, because as much as I am crazy–I don’t deny this–I’m a fairly low drama crazy. Other crazy chicks are very high drama and they make my life suck. No more. 🙂

And you know, the best part? That as we are going through some conversations that are not fun and not easy to have, well they are getting easier. I’m feeling less defensive and hostile before we even begin cause he is actually listening to me and responding to my concerns on an ongoing basis, so why get hostile? And boy my throat is happy about the lower volumes. I think I’m picking the right boy.

Oh, and Angela, Joe, and Ali–thank you. Thank you more than I can ever express. I love you all soooo much. I’m grateful that you are my friends. Thank you for listening to my angst and hurt and helping me get through them to the useful parts.