I have set the boy the task of dismantling the door frame. This way he is occupied for a long time while I do a variety of smaller projects. Cause if I give him smaller projects then he stands around when he is done waiting for me to tell him what to do next.
I consider this training for my children. 🙂
Today is Independence Day. Probably the most impact that has on me is simply that Thomas Jefferson was an amazing writer and I am thinking about the fact that I want to go find a few more books with essays by him. I may or may not watch fireworks; I don’t really care one way or another.
This last weekend was very interesting. I went to a con and took a lot of classes that really made me think. I didn’t play much, but what play I did was SOOPER HAWT!!! Very exciting. Even more exciting was calling my Noah right before the second bit of play and having him laugh and tell me to go have fun. I really love my boy.
So after the conference and the lots of thinking I started being all insecure and off-kilter. I got to talk to my Spot for a long time and I felt a bit better about that interaction but my Noah was off being all social like and for a little bit I had a hard time with that. But me being me when he asked if I was ok I said I was fine. Him being him he called me when he got home even though it was massively late cause he seems to be able to smell it when I lie.
We had a hard and scary conversation. We talked about feeling vulnerable and afraid to trust one another with some big things that are close to our hearts. It was really really hard. I’m having to look at the fact that even though I trust him more than anyone else in the world I don’t know if I trust him enough yet. This weekend I had to look at how much a few things with Tom really hurt my self-worth and ability to trust someone in some very specific ways. I hadn’t really been aware of how bad that trust damage was until this weekend when I tried to talk about that stuff. But I told him that he had to shut up for a while (dude, it’s Noah) and I let out this outpouring of scary stuff about what I want versus stuff that I’m afraid are needs and how scared I am to really go after things that I think may be needs. He listened, and more importantly: I think he heard me.
I’m still scared. And I miss him so much I ache inside. I don’t get to see him for seven more days and those days feel like they will last 3,000 years. I told someone about seven months ago, “If anything like this would ever work for me it would work with Noah” thinking that I would never get this shot. But I have it.
Please God, let me not fuck this up.
I had a lovely weekend. I got to spend some time with multiple really awesome people. Snuggly time. Time walking and talking with a really terrific girl. Time driving around admiring houses with another spiffy girl. Lots and lots of Noah time–not enough, but that is the state of my life right now.
This weekend it was pointed out to me that my level of social connectedness is highly unusual. What a strange thought. Me? Have lots of friends? Whatever happened to the prophesy that no one would ever like me because I am such an awful person? Guess mom was wrong again. 🙂
I’m looking at a beautiful bouquet of roses. I’m glancing around my messy living room and deciding how I want to clean it today. How I want to paint it next month. What I think it will look like in 5 years.
I am so very happy.
“boot_slut: now I need to figure out what I want to bring to read while being stabbed painfully for hours
Spot: pr0n, obviously..”
I was informed that I don’t talk enough about Noah. Ok, so that isn’t exactly how that information was conveyed–but close enough so I am going to call it that.
Noah rocks my world. He is supportive and caring and he sees me. He thinks I am the right kind of bitchy. 🙂 He loves me so much that it amazes and delights me. How did I get so lucky? I believe he is the best man for me. That said there are some things coming up which I am not ready to talk about quite yet. But those of you who are totally shocked that stuff is happening with Noah–get over it. 😛
And Noah, I still won’t wear red then. 😛
Last night at Naughty was incredibly fun. It was a really small party–probably because of bridge closure and the beach event drawing off many regulars. But I still had a truly wonderful time. The wedding was silly and fun. The sex was hot. And someone brought out a nitrous canister at the end of the night. Heh. Good times. Spot (The role of Google Boy will now be filled by Spot. Long and funny story. 🙂 had a good time so I consider his first play party a success. Yay! We got home at 5. I think he got in about 3 1/2 hours of sleep before we couldn’t handle the SUPER BRIGHT LIGHT from the skylight right over us. *sigh* (I got a little more sleep because I slept on the way home.)
Today I attempted to break my sedentary pattern. I tried to run. Spot mocked the crap out of me because we were out for just over 30 minutes and only 7 minutes were spent actually running. My only consolation is that the dog I am taking care of wore out before me. HA!
Google boy just asked me for a copy of my Users Guide. I think he feels all sassy after his first time ever of tying a girl up.
It’s so cute. I no longer believe I am going to break him easily, but I’m still being gentle with him. 🙂 That might change next Friday. We are going to have our first weekend night date where we get to spend a lot of time together. Yikes! He is really into the idea of me seriously dressing up. This is going to be a lot of fun. Yay!!
From the community…
1. How impulsive are you?
Incredibly. I am insanely impulsive.
2. What is the most impulsive thing you’ve ever done?
I have a couple of things… it’s hard to determine what is the “most” impulsive. Going to Australia with teamnoir when I didn’t really know him was impulsive. When I dropped out of high school. Recovering from that was significant. Saying yes when my best friend asks me if I want to try again and see if we can figure out a relationship that will include marriage and kids and M/s. That is… impulsive. But good. Maybe it isn’t impulsive because I have been thinking about it for a long long time–I just didn’t think I would have this chance.
3. What is the most unimpulsive (i.e., deliberative) thing you’ve ever done?
Going to school has been a big thing. I jones on planning though. Just for the hell of it. I planned my Europe trip down to the smallest detail.
4. How easy do you usually find it to make decisions about what you want to do?
Fairly easy. I know what I want and what I need. Once in a while I have trouble following through on it because I feel guilty about how I will affect other people.
5. What was the last impulse that you had? Did you act on it? Why or why not?
My last impulse was to jump back into the deep end of a relationship with Noah. It’s scary for a variety of reasons. The biggest drawback in doing this has been the hurt caused to the woman he has been involved with for most of the last year. I haven’t wanted to ask him to be involved with me again because I know how selfish it is to ask him to leave her for me. So I didn’t ask. But I wanted it and he knew I wanted it. Eventually it has reached a point where he made the decision to leave her. She is hurting now and I feel enormous guilt because my happiness is dancing on the grave of her relationship. I didn’t want this. I don’t get to pick how everything is going to work in life though. I believe strongly enough that he and I can figure it out that I am willing to give this a full shot though. So much has changed in the last year and a half for both he and I. What didn’t work then has changed drastically. I’ve always loved him. We want the same things. We get along so well.
So I did it. I said yes when he asked me to give him another chance. He said yes to my silent begging that I don’t have to lose the best person in the world for me.
I wondered why he was being so discouraging about the idea of me potentially moving out of state…
Well, the semester has begun… time to start writing in class again.