Tag Archives: sad

{insecurity} Non-monogamy

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Attention! This is my shit! I’m not blaming this on anyone else! That said…

I showed up in the bdsm community almost 9 years ago. In that time I have been mostly monogamous (I still think that “girls don’t count” is not the same thing as monogamy), monogamous for a brief period under duress, polyamorous, and slutty. Even during the monogamous period play with other people was never completely forbidden. It was limited, but it happened anyway. Throughout basically all of this period knowing that my partner wanted to have sex and/or play with other people has been really really awful for me. If I added up all the time I have spent crying and feeling like I am not enough I would probably be able to point at months and months of my life that I can’t get back. Why? Why do I keep doing this?

I have always felt that if you are going to be part of “the scene” then that entails certain behaviors: namely, that you aren’t really actually completely monogamous. I’m not sure I have ever known a couple who really and truly had no contact with other people. Maybe my memory is being fuzzy. I know a lot of “mostly monogamous” or “polyplayful” people, but that is still allowing a lot of fuzzy borders. The fuzzy borders are really hard for me.

At this point I have reached the conclusion that I continue to play with other people and engage in that kind of contact because that is one of the primary ways I get people to like me. I kind of wonder if part of the reason I have “phased out” as a bottom in the view of most of the community is because I’m not an easy bottom to play with so I assume people don’t want to bother with me and I don’t ask. It’s really easy to stay popular and liked if you are a good top though, and I am. I feel like I do a lot of it because I want people to like me. That may actually be why I’m ok telling guys that I don’t want to top them and not girls. I’m more confident that guys will like me anyway without me having to do as much for them but girls seem like I have to earn their liking me.

I’ve always liked fantasizing about doing things with lots of people. It’s a mainstay of my masturbatory life (ha! There’s TMI for you.) but when I actually do it I don’t tend to get as much out of it. When I am single and playing with lots of people I believe that I end up with a mostly neutral reaction after playing–it’s fun, but there isn’t much that impacts me positively or negatively long-term. When I’m in a relationship I feel massive guilt and ambivalence for a while to come. Opening up my relationship with Tom to include sex with other people was really hard for me. At that point I think the increased amount of sex was something that was a beneficial thing because I desperately needed that chemical fix, but I felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying him. I think the fact that we had frankly discussed before that point that the relationship wasn’t likely to be “forever” was the only reason I could do it. I was already starting to pull away from him and from the relationship. I still don’t know if that was really a good thing to do or not, but I really wasn’t ready to just walk away that early. Seeing as the last six months were actually pretty good overall I feel like I didn’t do anything too awful. I don’t know if he agrees or not and he probably won’t tell me. 🙂

But anyway. So I like to think about doing things with other people–that doesn’t lead to guilt or feeling bad. But when I actually follow through I tend to feel varying degrees of bad. I played with two different women at TNGcon. One of them did a little bit of decorative bondage on me–that wasn’t too bad for lingering guilt. It was mellow and emotionally distant so I didn’t internalize much. With the other chica I tied her to a chair and was fully intending on just punching/hitting her but she made it very clear she wanted sexual play. So I ended up fisting her. I’ve had a hard time with that. I’m not angry with her or blaming her or saying anything bad about her. I’ve had a hard time with knowing that I did that. I’ve struggled with whether it counts as sex given that I didn’t really want to have sex with her. I did it because she wanted me to and not really because that was something I was jonesing for doing.

But I came home and bragged about it. I know. On one hand I was glad that I got to feel like someone wanted me and I really like the feeling that someone wants me. I don’t get that same kind of “oooooh he/she likes me!” from a steady partner. But I also have felt pretty uncomfortable with having done it. Longer term I’ve realized it was a bad decision. I have tried so hard for so long to maintain my identity of being a sexual outlaw that I think I do things just to maintain that identity that I don’t actually want to do. It is important to me to be the kind of person who does outrageous things so I don’t pay attention to how I feel when I do them. Cause you know what–I tend to feel like crap. I don’t talk about that part much though. I rarely even do a good job of identifying to myself what I’m feeling. But it’s there.

Then we get to my partners playing with other people. I can’t count the number of nights I have sobbed through when Tom or Noah have been out with other people. Hell, there were a few dates where I was off with Erik for the weekend and Noah was on a date when I would sneak off to the bathroom and cry because Noah was on a date and that made me feel awful. How is that for lame? (This isn’t to say that my relationship with Erik wasn’t good–it was. I’m glad I dated him. I’m even more glad we are friends now. He’s a great guy.) But I massively do that “primary” bonding thing. I have never really been able to split loyalties well. Whoever I’m ‘with’ as my primary is the one I am focused on. I have tried pretty hard to split that and I suck at it. I feel bad. I feel like I am hurting everyone involved even when they are all pretty cheerful about the split. (I don’t think it would have been possible to date two guys at once who are more mellow than Noah and Erik and have them still have a pulse.) Does this mean that I have never loved more than one person at a time? No. I certainly have, but I don’t split focus well without feeling horrible and terrible about it. There is at least one person out there in the cosmos who I love pretty madly but I’ve never really been able to make a relationship work there and I’ve given up trying. It’s ok. The friendship is still good.

I don’t know how to not feel terrible about my partners playing with other people. This has been an issue with Tom, Noah, James, and Puppy. Much less of an issue with James or Puppy–but there were still bad spells with them. This play can be but doesn’t have to be sexual. I mean, Tom usually tied people up with all their clothes on and never even kissed them–I still felt awful. He wasn’t doing anything threatening to our relationship in the slightest and he was certainly not breaking rules. Noah has done everything possible to earn my trust and I still feel like him going off with other people for platonic bondage practice is hugely invalidating to me and our relationship. (This is complicated by my own body limitations and issues at the moment.) I’ve given him permission to do it though. I encouraged it. I even suggested it. Why? Because that is “what I should do.” I’m big on doing what I should do even when I hate it and it makes me feel like shit.

Despite the fact that I am “not a real masochist” I think I like doing the things I “should do” that will make me feel terrible. The fact that I feel so bad about doing the things I think I should do validates my overall shitty opinion of myself. I shouldn’t be so upset. I shouldn’t feel possessive. I shouldn’t feel jealous. But I am. And I do. And I do. So I sit and I cry. And I don’t place many limits on my partners even though I would kind of like to. I feel like if I issue an ultimatum then I deserve to lose. If my partners wanted me enough, if I were enough, then they just wouldn’t want to go play with other people. Then I wouldn’t have to place limits. But I’m not enough and I have to accept that. And part of how I accept that is pretending that it’s all fine and I want to go play with other people too.

But I think I should stop. Other than in the realm of fantasy I don’t really want to play with other people. I feel bad about myself when I do. It’s time to be nicer to me and stop pushing me to do this.

Noah, after listening to me talk about some of this came to the conclusion that he should stop playing with other people. The problem is, now I feel like he is doing it under some sort of duress. I feel like he would really like to still do it. He’s pretty clear that being with me is much more important than any amount of play with other people, but I still don’t believe it. I’m scared. I’m scared to trust him that he is doing what he wants. I’m scared that if I do start to trust this and believe in it then down the road he will change his mind and that will hurt so much. If I hold on to the distrust now then I won’t be hurt as much later if he decides he does want it. Then I will get to be proven right that I should have shitty self-esteem because see–I’m not enough.

I don’t know how to win on this one.

fuss

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In the past few days I have had several things happen to trigger my insecurity reflexes. I want to write about it and I don’t. I don’t want to be told that I shouldn’t feel this way or that the other person(s) are right or wrong or whatever.

I don’t know what I want really. I’m sad. I feel shitty and stupid. Crying isn’t making it better. Distraction isn’t making it better. Talking to the people in question won’t make it better. This too shall pass, but this too sucks ass.

Finally got an email from my therapist last night. She is coming back from medical leave. Thank god.

Since it came up.

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I was reminded yesterday that I make a lot of references to my background that I don’t explain at the time. Part of the lack of explanation is that I have written about a lot of it in some detail over the years but I suppose it is complete narcissism to assume that people will go back and read my whole archives (not a small task) in order to find out more about me. 🙂 (I actually do that sometimes. Depends on how busy I am when I pick up a new journal.) I’m also spoiled because Noah has read my whole archive two or three times and since I seem to be the center of his universe, of course I must be for other people as well… right? 🙂 So if you have spent years reading me and you don’t want to see this again, or if you just don’t care, feel free to skip the rest of this post.
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body angst

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So much of how I see myself is wrapped up in my competence. For all that I make fun of not being good at things, no really–I am fuck-you good at a lot of things.

And I can’t do them right now. And my body is awkward. And I feel stupid and lame and like I’m a big fat failure. “I know that isn’t true.” It’s how I feel. It really hurts watching people go off and do things that I am really good at and I can’t do it. Hell, it’s annoying that getting up from furniture is getting difficult sometimes. Even as I accept help I feel like I am more and more pathetic.

Tonight isn’t my best night ever.

Ouch.

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I was finally told that the organizers don’t want me involved with Camp Everytown this year. They have a good reason. I don’t blame them. Rejection still hurts. It’s awesome to be reminded again how unsuitable my background makes me for things that are no big deal for other people.

This also means that when Noah is off next weekend at all day classes I will be on my own.

So this is what this feels like.

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Someone I love very much is hurting. Lots of different things have hurt her. Mostly it is just existing that is hurting her. She doesn’t like herself very much and she doesn’t see why I adore her so much. She’s talking about not wanting to be here anymore. There’s not really anything I can say or do to make her stay if she really wants to go. But I don’t want her to go. I see such a beautiful, wonderful person who has the ability to do so many wondrous things with her life. I see so much power and strength in her. I wish I had the magic words to entreat her to stay.

This is probably how other people felt about me when I really didn’t want to be here anymore. I wish I understood what it was that eventually got me to stay. Maybe it was just knowing how much people were hurt when my brother and my father killed themselves, maybe that was enough. I don’t really want to share the knowledge with her of how bad that was. I don’t think I actually could.

I want a magic wand. I want to make things better. And I can’t. I feel so helpless.

Stir crazy

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I think I am starting to have cabin fever. I went from a job where I saw at least 100 people a day to not interacting with anyone but Noah for days on end. I really like Noah, don’t get me wrong, but I can tell that I am wearing him out. I need too much attention. The problem is, I don’t really know what to do about it. I have tried scheduling dinner with someone and due to her having a severely impacted schedule and me having a few random things on my schedule (I’m busy 2, maybe 3 nights in a week) I’m not seeing her till the 29th. That isn’t feeling helpful at the moment. I don’t feel comfortable asking people to do things for some reason. All of the more ‘drop in’ social events don’t seem like a good idea. My friends groups revolve around dancing, sex, or drinking… none of which I am particularly up for at the moment. It doesn’t help that the idea of going to someone’s event means driving for a really long time so I can sit in the corner at the event and not really talk to people. I’ve noticed that most social events I only know 20%-30% of the people there and I am just not up for the emotional pull of trying to be outgoing and charming. That is hard for me. I’m not good at it.

It doesn’t help that by the time I hit the point where I am I am so completely overwhelmed by the base amount of effort of going out that I can’t bring myself to ask for help or for someone to met me halfway. I don’t have the energy for lots of effort and I don’t know how to have any other kind of interactions with people.

Drained

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I feel so empty. I have very little emotion right now. I’m tired.

Getting through today sucks. Then I have to get through tomorrow. I have a lot of typing to do after school to catch up with finals creation. Ugh. It’ll be ok though. I’ll get through.

Noah is amazing. He did an incredible amount of work this weekend and then after being incredibly productive he was still willing to find some extra energy and baby me. I have the best husband ever.

Next weekend we have a laundry list of chores that need to get done. Things like washing windows, sandpapering doors to get the paint off, cutting the front bushes, and cleaning cobwebs off the outside of the house. Anyone who wants to come help is welcome. 🙂 We can probably do it all ourselves, but what the heck.

Next Saturday is also a gathering at a friend’s house and the TNG volunteer fair. I am not sure how I feel about attending either. So tired.

Tired.

Tired.
Tired.

{insecurity} Disappointment

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It’s probably not “lately” or “for a while now” but more just right now I feel really frustrated and caught up in small disappointments. I’m tired of trying and failing. I’m tired of being unable to make my commitments. I’m tired of other people not making their commitments to me.

Tonight I physically feel worse than I have in almost a month. Why is that? Oh. I went back to my job. I went back to people being demanding and fussy and having no interest in anyone other than themselves. I’m not really even talking about the kids. The pissy emails from parents hit me really hard. The attitude that I am failing my students because I hold them to standards is really hard. Right now I feel more guilty than normal because I believe I have let my students down this semester. I didn’t coax them through every single step this time. I didn’t baby them through doing all of their work. I didn’t keep them in after school repeatedly until I had a freakishly high passing rate. So I feel like I failed them. On some level I believe that I didn’t fail them, they failed themselves. But I can’t help feeling like I disappointed them.

I have nine more days at my job and I’m not sure how I will get through them. 🙁

{the girlys} Frustration

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There are exactly six people on this filter. You are the women I trust to a)listen to me vent and not let it color your opinions overall b)give me advice when I ask for it and not when I don’t want it c)understand that mostly right now I am freaking out because I am pregnant and not because something is basically broken in my life.

Noah and I are fighting a lot about things we shouldn’t be fighting about. He has a lot of friendships based around him taking care of people. I have an incredibly hard time with this. I have an even harder time when those friendships involve him giving them money/buying them things. I’m angry because it feels like this is a threat to my long-term security. We have reached a more stable place on this front thanks to advice from Crystal–he now has a yearly budget on how much he can give away. He’s not thrilled that the amount is as low as it is, but oh well. It’s all that I feel comfortable with.

Today we got into it because he brought up a book he wants me to read. We need to buy a new copy because he loaned his copy to one of his ex’s and she got rid of it. This is the second book she has done this with. Ok, books aren’t that expensive but the actual monetary value isn’t the point. She doesn’t think about how her actuons will affect the people around her. She treats her husband like shit. She treated Noah like shit when they dated. What am I supposed to think about her? He has another friend he has been talking to more lately and what he has told me about her is even worse than the freakin ex. Why shouldn’t I think of these women as bitches? The problem is that he wants to bring them up and talk about them and I am supposed to be friendly and warm. I can’t do it. I’m hostile. But that isn’t ok.

I keep telling people off. Everything I have been thinking for years I am saying. I feel like I should just shut up and yet I can’t seem to keep my opinions to myself.

I’m feeling miserable all the time. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of whining and bitching and not going out. I want my body back. I’m tired of feeling pressured to have sex because if I don’t Noah is an asshole. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel so dead inside.

Isolated

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I go to work. I come home and sit on the couch. I try to putter around the house but even that isn’t a sure thing. I haven’t been talking to people much and I rarely get to be social. I’ve been trying consciously to at least talk to people online a little bit more but my arms are hurting enough (go swelling) that I have reduced my typing time almost to half what it normally is. This is impacting my ability to talk to people. All of my friends spend a lot of time complaining they hate the phone and I don’t have the physical or mental energy to go hang out at parties. So I only see Noah. This is feeling pretty lonely. I’m not really sure what to do about it though. I am not physically capable of seeing my friends after they get off work at 7 or so at night because I’m already at home getting into jammies at that point. Weekends I spend trying to get a little bit of housework and a bunch of work done. But I’m lonely.

These thoughts brought to you by the fact that Dad found out through the grapevine that I am pregnant and he felt upset that he didn’t hear it from me. Well, I rarely talk to him because in the past two years every conversation we have had has been initiated by me and the only times we have seen one another was when I went up to Portland and I’m feeling kind of bitter. He has been in the Bay Area and still not bothered to see me. I sort of feel like most of my friends work that way. I initiate conversations. I go see people. I know that this isn’t true of absolutely all of my friends (thank you Sarah and Marcie and Chris and Crystal and Lee has been trying to talk to me lately) but it is true of the vast majority of people. So I’m feeling like me staying home is where I ought to be because no one seems to care about seeing me or talking to me anyway.

Never gets easy to hear

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I was teasing the kids who were absent on Friday (so was I). I got to one girl and she told me that she was embarrassed to come because she didn’t have the project they were working on. I asked why not. She said her in-recovery meth addict father got super drunk and destroyed their house. He broke the computer her project was on by throwing it repeatedly against the floor.

She’s staying late and we are going to be talking for a while. I hope I get to help this one.

Birthday blues.

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I have not had a history of good birthdays. Pre-18 most of them were either screamingly awful in every way or at least had some drama that soured them. 19 I spent with Anna. She brought me flowers and a balloon and took me to dinner. That was one of my best birthdays ever. 20 consisted of Anna and Tom giving me flowers and taking me to dinner. That was a pretty decent birthday. 21 was the temper tantrum Anna threw at BaGG because going reminded her of her own abuse history. 22 was totally ignored because we were going on a trip later that month. (Uhm… it’s for your birthday! Yeah! Oh, I was planning it anyway… oh well. Don’t get me wrong. The trip was awesome.) 23 was the awkward birthday party that Tom hosted after I broke up with him. Right. It was a good birthday party but so strangely uncomfortable. 24 I woke up and spent the morning crying because I knew Puppy wanted to break up with me. Then I spent the day watching Noah and his then girlfriend and feeling jealous with no way to express that. heh. 25 was mostly ignored.

My birthday is destined to go poorly. It just seems to be fate. I desperately wish that weren’t true, but due to circumstances beyond my control and having weird feelings about the event I don’t think I am capable of enjoying a birthday. I want to do something, but I don’t know what. Noah has suggested trips but I’m stupid and petty and my response is, “Oh yeah! Let’s duplicate that trip you took with how many ex girlfriends?!” I know I shouldn’t react that way. I don’t seem to be able to stop though.

I wish I knew what I wanted. If I knew what I wanted I could at least ask for it and hope to get it. But I don’t know. So I sit here and think–ok, Monday is another birthday. What did I accomplish in the last 12 months? I survived my first year of marriage without making him hate me. Woo hoo!! That is a big one. I painted my house. I survived teaching full time. But I still feel like something is missing. I feel like I am failing in some big, painfully obvious way because there is something I want and don’t seem to be able to have.

I hate my birthday.

Geeking (a less than cheerful PSA)

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I have been having an issue for a while now and I have been trying to deal with it in a way that is simply not working for me. I’m about to drastically change how I deal with it and it seems reasonable to let people know what I will be doing and why.

I love my friends–I really do. I don’t put up with people I don’t like/love very much. I have, however, gotten to the breaking point on geeking. I understand that my friends are all very fascinated by their technical gizmos and programming and whatever else stuff ya’ll are into. I do not share this fascination, not even slightly. In general I understand that my lack of technical interest is fairly uncommon in my group of friends so I just kind of tune out when the conversation gets very technical. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where I have started timing the portion of geek talking to conversation I am able to participate in and many gatherings are 2/3 conversations I can’t be part of. Given how little time I actually spend with people this is pretty unacceptable to me.

The thing that is bothering me the most is when I manage to start having a non-geeky conversation with one person and someone else joins the conversation and within five minutes they have steered the conversation to where I am completely excluded. I am not saying anyone is awful and horrible for this, but I do think it is thoughtless, inconsiderate, and rude. It is rather difficult to get most of you into a non-geeky conversation at a group event and it is hard for me to keep putting energy into a losing battle of trying. I feel very demoralized and rejected at most group events and that is a big factor in why I have just not been going. I don’t think my friends realize how much you are rejecting my participation in a conversation when you spend hours talking about things I have absolutely no interest in or knowledge of. You might as well switch to German for all I understand.

And I’m done. I’m sick of feeling like that at group events. I’m not going to sit there and feel like shit anymore. I am going to start getting up and leaving. If I am going to be ignored and exluded from conversation I would rather do that in a different place so it doesn’t feel like such a slap in the face. I understand that no one is really consciously trying to hurt me–I do understand that. However knowing that people aren’t trying to hurt me doesn’t change the fact that it hurts me.

I am completely uninterested in being told that I should listen and try to learn from the situation and I would greatly appreciate it if no one gave me such advice. I will in fact be very angry if anyone tells me that I should get over my feelings and try to be more accepting. This is about setting boundaries and I have that right. Once upon a time I used to go to a munch and the boys liked to talk about guns, cars, and computers. Guns and cars are both more accessible topics for me as I have a fairly significant level of understanding of both, however I have no interest. The boys learned that they were free to talk about guns, cars, and computers but I would walk away from the conversation. I am not saying people shouldn’t talk about things I have no interest in, I am saying I am not going to sit and listen. It isn’t that I can’t understand it is that I don’t care to.

Buttons, buttons, who can press my buttons?

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Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.

Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.

Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.

I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.

And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.

State of the meh.

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Julia rocks in so many ways. But way high up on the list: she ties me up AND she helps me do yard work. What more could one ask of a girl? Dude. Much rocking.

Today I have: done massive yardwork (including trimming the rose bushes), been to Costco to begin the arduous task of restocking a deep freeze, and had a shitty conversation with my mother. Happy fucking Mothers Day, bitch. I’m so sorry that I am not willing to keep my mouth shut to assuage your guilt. And it must be terribly convenient to be able to forget the horrible things you have said, but I am not so able to forget.

Today I should do: more reading quizzes. I’m having a lot of trouble finding the motivation.

Noah didn’t call today and the phone call yesterday was not all that I could have hoped for. I feel so very lonely.

This weekend has been weird in general. Lots of talking to ex’s…

{my shit} And it begins

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This morning I had a chat with my nephew’s father. I’ve known the gentleman for oh… 19 years so it was a friendly chat. I apologized for calling him with such unpleasant reasons but he said that was ok. He found out that my nephew has been using at Thanksgiving and wasn’t sure what to do. I explained to him that due to the nature of my job I am actually legally required to call CPS. He then proceeded to tell me that technically he has full legal custody and he is willing to back me 100%. He has felt rather frustrated and unsure of what to do in the last month (he was always kind of a wuss) but he will be making an additional call to CPS today.

My sister has a long and sordid history with the law. Many drug offenses, both major and minor color her legal history. My understanding is that anything that will put her in front of a judge at this point is likely to put her in prison. I know she has been supplying many minor children with drugs and alcohol for the past few years and I am willing to bet that me turning her in is going to result in her going to prison. I believe her children deserve to be removed from the abusive and neglectful household. I am going to work very hard to ensure that this happens.

I have many mixed feelings about this, of course. This is going to sever completely whatever ties I have with my biological family–probably permanently. This being the second time I have turned a family member into the system to be held accountable for their actions. This will be viewed as entirely inappropriate behavior, and I’m ok with that. I really believe that this is the right thing to do.

My nephew has told his father and I that his mother is rarely ever at home. This is a continued pattern that has existed since their early childhood. I know well. When I was 15 she disappeared for the summer and only brought us groceries once a week. Other than that she was out partying. I don’t want to see my niece go down this road and I will do anything I can to prevent it. This is still very very hard.

*sigh*

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Just got back from dinner with my nephew. He was stoned off his ass. He was not entirely coherent. I told him, it isn’t that I have a problem with all drug use period, it is that a 17 year old habitually using drugs means that he has a problem.

Like mother, like son. 🙁

Unfamily

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I need to stop ranting at Noah, so here is some of the shit running around in my head that I keep saying over and over and I need to stop saying because I am wearing him out.

I feel like I was set up to hate his mother long before I went to Texas. Noah has told me horror stories for years about what an awful person his mom is and given my own baggage in this area, of *course* I have issues with her. She is abusive, domineering, and autocratic. What is there for me to like? Even given my ingrained bias I went trying really hard to have an open mind. I really did. I tried to be cheerful and friendly and I did not try to pick a fight. Even so, that is exactly what she has accused me of. She said I showed up and was constantly abrasive and looking for a fight. Her characterization of a conversation I had with her is about as different from mine as it could be. I was trying to be playful and funny and she said I was accusing her of being awful and picked a fight. ?! Uhm… ok… No, I’m not passive. No, I’m not quiet. I don’t think that means I am always trying to pick a fight. I told her flat out, “That was not me picking a fight. If you want, I can give you a demonstration of what it looks like when I pick a fight. I don’t think you will like it.” I was feeling kinda… punchy. If me being really really good is still met with anger and nastiness I feel there is little left for me to do.

I have now spoken with his dad on the phone twice since Thanksgiving. The first time he apologized for the inappropriate conversation that happened the night before we left and we talked about how I don’t want more abusive people in my life so I am just not going to deal with his wife. The second time he called me to bitch me out (very gently–he isn’t a forceful man) for sending Noah’s little sister the book The Mists of Avalon. They feel it is inappropriate for me to have done so and I should have checked with them first and gotten permission and by not doing so I am usurping that bitch’s authority. [Cake topper–part of the reason they deemed the book horrible is Noah’s brother doesn’t approve of the book either. When I asked him why he refused to talk about it. He just said hat he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter because it is “Mom’s decision anyway.” They both blame decisions on one another and refuse to talk about why. How mature is that?] Ok, his dad thinks he just called to find out my intentions in sending the book and to let me know that I should never take such an action again without permission.

So the first call was good and the second call was just awful. Me being me, I’ve been obsessing about the second call and trying to figure out how I want to become more ok with it and I wasn’t finding it in my heart to just walk away from it. So I called his mother. I told her that I gave his sister the book because I was trying to share something with her that had been very significant in my life at her age. If she wants to view that as a malicious act that is pathetic and ludicrous. I also told her not to have her husband call and bitch at me anymore. She claims she didn’t, but whatever. We got into quite a conversation that lasted almost 30 minutes. She told me off and I fought back tooth and nail. I will not be another person for her to step on. I told her flat out that I was doing my very best to be polite and friendly until she was being abusive with her daughter and that I just won’t tolerate. She responded in a way that indicated that she knows it is abuse, but “there are reasons for it that make it necessary.” Fuck. That. Noise.

I’m really glad that I told her off. I needed to do that. The more I let someone kick me the more and more pathetic I feel until my self-worth is in the toilet. Telling her that I won’t put up with her shit made me feel much better. I was very good at standing up for myself and not letting her bully me. I wasn’t abrasive though. I wasn’t real nasty I was just extremely firm about my boundaries in that way I am good at defending my boundaries. That was about when she threatened to sue me. Awesome. I still don’t know why. I think this is the last phone call I need to have with anyone in his family. I’m done. They are all willing to continue perpetuating this cycle of abuse and I’m not. Near as I can tell her only reasons for hating me are that I am not willing to let her walk all over me the way she does with everyone else. I’m too loud. I have too many opinions. Yeah? That’s too damn bad.

The even less fun bit

More thinking

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I’ve been thinking a lot. And getting other peoples’ opinions. And talking to Noah. So uhhh yeah, in other words I’ve been continuing to be me in the past 24 hours.

What is enough? Is there any such thing as enough ever in life? Can I be enough? Can I have enough? Will I ever be satisfied? The conversation this morning was sticky and owie. Noah pointed out something that I am doing that is really hard for me to justify once I actually look at it. Honestly, that’s a hard thing. I feel like giving him a hearty smack and announcing, “No reality in this relationship!” But that just won’t fly for this one. I can only say that when it’s funny. Right now it would hurt. When people point at things about me and try to focus on them I generally pull them away. If Noah compliments me on some particular part of me then I try to hide it. For example, he really likes my hips/belly curvyness. My instant reaction is to want to put on a loose, billowy dress and hide that part of me. I got really upset with him that the part of my looks he is inclined to compliment most is all stuff below the neck, but why? Why do I get so mad at him? I would get just as mad if not more so if he *didn’t* compliment me in that way. It was suggested to me last night that there is a script I want to hear and if I want to actually get it I should tell him what it is. This… is something I am thinking about.

Do I really want him to just parrot back to me a script I write for him? I’m actually really proud of him for having the courage to say things to me he knows I don’t want to hear. That is very hard for him and he is taking me at my word that I want him to be honest and he is honoring me by giving me truth. I don’t think I want to take his truth away from him. I need to get better at hearing truth and understanding where it is coming from and not being hurt by it. It hurts less today than it did yesterday. This morning Noah read me a poem that he worries about me mimicking in terms of pulling away from the relationship. I would have appreciated the comparison more if he hadn’t told me that it is what Talia did, but hey–one can’t have everything. I pull away when I feel any threat to my security. I do it because I don’t feel safe enough to be giving of myself. I generally come back, I just need more security first. It has always been a hard thing for me that when I feel like I need to pull back people get upset with me. I don’t feel like it is fair that people expect me to continue to make myself vulnerable when I’m scared but at the same time I know that I am not the only one needing comfort at that point. It’s hard. I can sometimes be comforting but usually I can’t.

Yesterday I didn’t even want to go home I hurt so much. I stayed out later than I have in months without Noah. I didn’t even really tell him what I was doing even though we have agreed to do so. 🙁 I feel very immature. So scared. Still don’t know what to do. It’s hurting less today, but still hurts. Now I’m getting even more random and rambly.