Tag Archives: sad

Not pretty

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This is locked to a very small filter. I trust that the people who can read this will understand that no relationship is perfect and this is stuff going on for me and not any kind of indication that I should break up with Noah. This is a lot of vanity and arrogance and pretention wrapped up in a horrid little package.

Yesterday was the kinky flea. It happens 3 or 4 times a year. I’ve been going for a long time and I have some odd/mixed feelings about it. It is a primarily social event and one of the biggest that happens during the year in this area. I have long used it as a bolster for my fragile ego. When I go I specifically try to dress up and I get my ego strokes through the comments of people who are highly discriminating about who they are willing to call “pretty.” Highly discriminating in this case meaning “total assholes who are snobs about female beauty.” As much as I love and adore my friends, most of them are not really snotty about good looks. I don’t say that to be mean in any way. I desperately want that kind of validation for all sorts of fucked up emotional reasons. Anyway…

Noah and I got up and decided to go to the flea after having lunch at a fabulous Indian restaurant. It had been an uncomfortable night and uncomfortable morning as we talked about some hard stuff. We defaulted to waiting to eat at all until lunch. This was our first mistake of the day. See, when I don’t eat I become rather psycho. And I stop thinking clearly and I go through more and more rounds of self-loathing. The problem yesterday morning? Well… I couldn’t figure out what to wear. I needed wanted (let’s be realistic) something warm enough to keep me from freezing, something that I hadn’t worn a bazillion times, and something very figure flattering. The hardest piece there is “I haven’t worn it a bazillion times.” I haven’t done much fetish shopping in the past few years and my wardrobe is becoming increasingly limited if I don’t want to wear the same things over and over and over. After an hour of trying to figure out what to wear I was in tears and I slumped down against the door (my temper tantrums are rather pathetic and I try to do them behind closed doors so no one can see them) and cried thinking about how pathetic and stupid and ugly I am. I really hate that I do this to myself.

I finally reached the point of throwing up my hands and just put on a pair of jeans. Noah brilliantly suggested that we go eat before thinking about the rest of the day. Bless him. So we went and ate and I become something vaguely resembling human and rational. Only vaguely though. Then we got to start talking about why I was so upset and what the flea means to me. I told him that I would rather not go at all if I am not going to look good and impress people in the process. I realized how selfish I was being and I asked him what he wanted for the day. He said he wanted to go and be social and have fun. So I put on a boring outfit I have worn 3000 times and tried to suck it up. I maintained some level of cheerful, even if only on the surface, for most of the day. Then we saw Tom and his date and she was wearing the Slut of the Day collar (so named by a friend of Tom’s like 10 years ago because he puts it on everyone when they go out the first few times) and metal cuffs that we bought together. We searched long and hard for cuffs that I could wear for a significant length of time without having problems before we found them. It really *hurt* to see her wearing them. We left fairly quickly after that because my mood was shot and I couldn’t fake cheerful anymore.

We then went and did some Christmas shopping at Good Vibes and sat down and looked at a coffee table type book about breasts for a while. Talking about the models and the pictures lead me down some lovely unhappy thought trails. On the way home we started a conversation that really sucked ass through a straw.

I have always had this hang up. I want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the Most Awesome partner for my partners that they can possibly imagine. Well… I was all kinds of self destructive and brought this up with Noah. Well… I’m not. And it hurts like crazy. The way things ended up the attitude is that I am the best possible partner he has ever met and he wouldn’t trade up on any of the individual points because the overall balance is the best he has found and would not be willing to compromise on some of the ways that I am really good. It’s very weird because I feel very confident that Noah isn’t likely to leave me for someone prettier, but it hurts like crazy that he thinks there are prettier women. It hurts so much.

This is all so stupid because when I think about Noah it isn’t as if I have a mental checklist of “Perfect” that he matches point for point. He is just so wonderful in general that any area where he isn’t the best ever doesn’t matter in terms of the big picture. I can know that about our relationship in terms of me looking at him and not feel like it is diminishing him, but him thinking that about me makes me feel like a failure. This is so hard because at this point it isn’t like I am going to leave him over this. It isn’t even an option at all. But god I hurt. And I don’t know how to fix it.

{my shit} And yet more family drama

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Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.

Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday.  Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.

I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right.  Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this.  Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.

Love is the counterpoint of all families.  It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child.  That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc.  More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion.  I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have.  I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out.  And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened.  Never.  They justfigure it started with them I guess.  Hah!  It started with me andMom.  MY mom.  I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t.  But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me.  At least I did that much.

If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine.  But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her.  I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is.  I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong.  It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am.  I can only assume its for a reason.

I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings.  I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being.  I’m sorry we cannot talk.  I’ve tried.  Iget attacked, pure and simple.  And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See!  See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore.  Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.

I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you.  I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with.  I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry.  And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present.  I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too.  In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option.  I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.

And it looks as though I’m going to do it again.  So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again.  I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?

And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.

I love you guys! And I always, always will.

Mom

As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic.  I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with.  I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane.  Maybe I just need to hit something.

I just want to walk away from all of this.

Sad day

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I’m seriously overtired and that makes me more inclined to be sad. I am tired because I stayed up late helping Noah pack and generally clinging to him like a lichen. Before I even dropped him off I was already aching with missing him. This is going to be a very long six days. I am such a wuss. This is only going to be six days. That is like 1/3 of how long I was in New York. But things are different now. I wasn’t used to living with him then. I wasn’t used to seeing him first thing every morning and every night. I was still adjusting to the endless hours of processing. I can comfortably say that I am fine with them now. Ok, I still hit limits sometimes… but not as often. The hard moments are getting easier and easier. And… I just miss him.

I told him that I don’t know if I will be able to sleep in our bed cause it is really big and scary and empty. He asked me to try so that I stop thinking of the other bed as ‘mine’ and the big bed as ‘his.’ I’ll try. I forsee crying tonight.

The weird thing? The biggest consolation I have is that he is going to be sleeping with the Super Princess while he is gone. It feels like he is joining me in a tradition. I like that.

{my shit} Reeling

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I don’t know what I’m going to do about my family. I’m kind of thinking that I need to completely cut off contact with them for the forseeable future because having them in my life is actively hurting me. I really don’t want to do it though. 🙁 Last night when I desperately needed support I went over and spent time with some of the people who have chosen to be my family. I was told reasons why I can’t possibly be as terrible as my bio-family claims. I’m trying very hard to not only hear, but believe. It’s hard. I have been internalizing messages about my complete awfulness for a very long time. I… I don’t really know what to do about a lot of it. I’m scared and even though I have some amazing and wonderful support I feel terribly alone. It is kind of ironic that this stuff comes on the heels of me acknowledging just how completely inappropriate some of my behavior is. It kind of seems like confirmation that I am really that bad of a person. 🙁 But yet–my family won’t acknowledge their problems. I got into a fight with my sister yesterday and I brought up several specific things she does that are highly abusive and she said, “That isn’t abuse. My kids deserve that because they are teenagers and are impossible to live with.” Did they deserve it in junior high? In elementary school? What about when they were toddlers? She has *always* been abominable to them and can’t see that. I don’t want to ever see that look of resigned defeat in my children’s eyes the way I see it in my niece and nephew or hell–in my own eyes. I don’t want to ever seen them just learn to cringe and prepare for the onslaught of screaming. I won’t do it. You know what? If I ever do lose it and yell at my kids I want them to be strong enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it because they don’t deserve it. That is my goal. I want my kids to know just how much they are worth. And that is what the other members of my family can’t understand. They think we all deserve this.

No. I don’t.

{my shit}This is where I learned how to fuck people up.

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I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:

Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.

do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.

He was responding to an email from my sister that read:

I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.

Please send me a copy.  A complete copy, if you will.  I need to see it
for myself.

Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one.  I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently.  I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone.  Including you.  I’m sorry, but that’s a fact.  Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole.  I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it.  You
would always be his supporter.  Tommy would never be believed.  For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten.  He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys.  Lol  And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?

Send me a copy of the will Jimmy.  Please.  I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.

Sissy

The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament

Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.

Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.

{insecurity}Return of the Psycho

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Last night I came very close to losing it. I was yelling and throwing things slamming cupboard doors and and generally acting like a complete basket case. At some point I started yelling at Noah and acting like he was a horrible person for having done something minor. I had trouble not breaking into tears at this point. I wasn’t mad at him. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong. But I was so angry that I could easily have hurt him. Easily have punched him in the face with absolutely no thought to how bad I would feel later.

I started talking to myself rapid-fire about what is actually wrong, why am I so freakin upset? I know what the problem is.

I talked to my mom on Sunday. I couldn’t handle shutting her out anymore. I am so attached to my mom that it just isn’t funny. But, as I told my therapist on Saturday, I can’t talk to her. Talking to her takes away the fragile balance that I have in life. She tells me that I am unreasonable and everything is my fault. She sees absolutely no need for her to go to therapy and she thinks I am unreasonable for asking her to. When I told my mom that I need for her to start seeing a therapist she said, “You’re not my mother. You’re my daughter and you can’t tell me what to do.” I told her, “I’m well aware that I am your daughter. And in about two years I am going to have kids of my own and it is going to be my job to protect them and I am telling you that if you don’t work on your shit you are not going to be allowed to have contact with my children because I will not allow you to do to them what you have done to me.” She got really angry and started on her, “I did the best job I could” rant which includes her saying that everyone makes mistakes. Yes mom, everyone makes mistakes. But if you never learn from your mistakes you will keep repeating them and that is really lame. If you never learn from your mistakes then you nver grow or become a better person. I am not going to continue to be the one to pick up the pieces from her mistakes forever.

And from all of this running around in my head I have been screaming a lot in the past two days. I have been crying even more than I would anyway. She asked if she can come with me to see my therapist when she is in town in June. I left my therapist a message but I haven’t heard back from her. If I continue to feel totally crazy when I talk to my mom then I really need to stop. I just don’t know that I am strong enough.

I feel so weak.

This is draining over into other parts of my life right now. I feel like I need support of some kind but I don’t know what kind. I want to be taken care of but I know that no one can fix this but me. I want to hand this problem over to someone stronger but no one exists who can do it better than me. No one else is part of it. I am really angry with her for never providing me with enough security as a kid so that I feel confident that I can make decisions that are good. Because I am upset about this I am feeling upset about a couple of different things that shouldn’t be making me feel upset. Am I ever going to be able to maintain balance? Am I always going to be totally at her mercy? I feel like I should hide at home for the next few days alone. I’m not fit for company.

Not the best day ever.

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Today I had a really hard therapy session talking about my mom. Then I called my brother and he was his typical asshole self. At the end he flippantly told me that our step-mother died three weeks ago. I lost it. I almost crashed my car.

Trudy was literally the only person in my family who has ever told me that none of it was my fault and that she doesn’t blame me for any of it.

I tried to arrange one on one time with someone this evening to feel a little less shitty and that didn’t work out. I felt really rejected even though I know I shouldn’t have. I was being upset about the earlier news more than I was reacting to that exact situation.

But I really hurt right now.

Family and Grief

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I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.

Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.

Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.

To my family: thank you for loving me.

Fear

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Sometimes it feels as if being a woman is synonymous with feeling fear.

Last night as I was walking from class to my car a couple of Mexican guys pulled over next to me and asked me for directions to 3rd street. Uh, straight ahead of you. Then they offered me a ride. They were really pushy and aggressive. I felt my adrenaline start pumping. I had this really awful moment where I wondered if I would be able to outrun them if necessary. I walked fast and ignored their comments. I got into the parking garage and bolted up the stairs.

I hate that I feel so powerless sometimes. I hate that I feel like being female is enough to make me a target. The funniest part is: I never get harassed like that when I dress like a slut. Instead it happens when I am wearing frumpy jeans and a big baggy sweat shirt and sneakers and my hair is up in a very boring bun.

There are moments when this amorphous category of “men” is not a happy thing. I have so many wonderful guys in my life as individuals who are not scary, but “men” are.

Today

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Today I graded 100 papers. *woof*

Today I broke down and wrote something nasty about a friend because I am so angry. I don’t like it when I do that.

Today I had really good, cheap pad thai with no shrimp.

Today I had to go fill out the paperwork for my Victims of Crime benefits for the third time. When I left the office I broke down crying and couldn’t drive for a few minutes. I called my therapist and left a tearful message because I couldn’t think of anyone to call. That was really hard.

Today I attended a group meeting and did more than my share of the work and demonstrated to myself one more time why I hate group work.

Today I feel weak and ineffective and not very smart.

Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about how stupid I feel and how I don’t know that I even deserve to get a Masters degree. I certainly haven’t done enough to earn it.

Today is suicide Tuesday. I need to remind myself of that. This too shall pass. I will be ok. It’s just suicide Tuesday. I’m not stupid. I’m not useless. I’m not pathetic.

It just really feels like it.

{insecurity}Off kilter

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I woke up this morning from a dream in which four men were trying to rape me. I managed to get away because the sheer fierceness of my fighting back momentarily startled them enough that I escaped hands and ran. In the dream got to a fairly safe place and tried to call 911 and was put on hold indefinitely. I felt totally invalidated, much like I did when I was date raped when I was 18 and the police officer later asked me what I expected when I brought a boy to a party with alcohol. 🙁

I want to cry. I feel uncertain and off-balance and just rather disturbed. I have a great deal of work to get done today though so I need to suck it up. But I feel very lonely and scared. I hate waking up to nightmares.

I want Daddy. But there isn’t a Daddy. There is just me. I know I am strong enough to get through feeling this way, but I don’t want to have to be. I want to be just a little girl right now.

RAWR!

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Today I am feeling lonely and I hate the feeling. I know it is a cycle and it will pass, but it sucks ass to be in this place.

Question: do non-crazy people have mood swings too? I don’t actually know if my level/frequency/whatever of mood swings are unusual or crazy-indicating.

I think I have to accept that I am not actually “over” some of the relationship stuff I would like to be over and that irritates me.

To counteract the crappy feelings:
I made the most kick ass curry. I rule.

fragile

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I have been having some seriously gnarly bad dreams for the past two nights. I wake up sad enough to cry. I feel vulnerable and fragile and extremely broken. I feel incompetent and lonely and overwhelmed.

I really hate feeling like this.

birthday

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I woke up this morning and thought about my upcoming birthday. I have absolutely no plans and I doubt I am going to make any. I thought about the last five birthdays and how I have spent them primarily with Tom and with Anna. And I cried. Where did my life go? I miss them both so much and it feels like neither of them love me at all anymore and it hurts so much.

I will probably spend my birthday hiding in my house with it as dark as I can make it and crying and mourning the fact that the life I thought I was building died. Puppy will go shooting. Apparently the Puppy is more perceptive and caring than I first gave him credit for. Yay Puppy.

sad

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Sometimes something happens. It doesn’t have to be an important something, just random bickering. But it tells you a lot about who a person is and it tells you a lot about who a community is. Today I think I figured out that I don’t belong in a community. The social values of that community are not ones that I respect or can live by and that means I should walk away instead of dealing with continual upset and difficulty.

It’s sad really. I don’t think it will be that hard though. There are some good people in that community. There are probably three or four people that I will continue to include in my life, but I will simply not be part of that overall dynamic.

I’m worth more than that.