Tag Archives: sex

{dirtier} Looking back

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Last night I just couldn’t get to sleep, so I woke Noah up and we had hot sex. It was good. Then afterwards we had a conversation about how common female orgasm is. (Or apparently not common–these are things I don’t know.) This lead to me reminiscing about my pre-orgasmic sexual experiences. I listed off the various people and experiences with them I had and there was one big point that was amusing to me. Pre-orgasm the boy-girl distribution of sex partners wasn’t quite 50-50 but it was probably 60-40ish. (Uhm, not that there were a hundred of them, but you get the point.) After learning how to orgasm it has been more like 85-15.

That’s a big freakin difference. So now I’m thinking about why and I think that part of it is that the women I tend to go for are pretty passive. The vast majority of women I have had sex with are complete pillow princesses, and I don’t generally get off on being the active partner so… Most of my adult sex experiences with women have consisted of me getting them off with very little reciprocation. I’m willing to bet that a lot of them would have done more if I had asked, but telling someone to do stuff to me is really not my thing. That’s why I don’t sleep with submissive men.

It’s probably a very broken thing in my head that men can be passive or aggressive but women are just passive (at sex). Hm.

Body image and sex and societal programming, Oh my!

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Recently one of my beloved g-bloggers brought up how she is going through changes in her body image/self-image post-baby and I didn’t comment at the time because I had too many thoughts to be able to make sense of them at the time. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then though and I think I am more able to be coherent.
(Nope, not sure I was more coherent. WAY long-winded and rambly. Ah well. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. 🙂

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Observations

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Pittsburgh is cold.
Victorian houses are pretty.
I have massive inferiority complexes.
I don’t maintain an even temperament well when my sleep schedule is completely fucked up.
My cat really misses me when I am gone for the weekend.
I lap up praise from professors like it is the best ice cream on the planet.

And then, completely randomly, I was thinking about this other thing…
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Monogamy

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One year ago today I had sex with someone other than Noah. There has been absolutely no sexual contact with anyone but him since that. In thinking about my history I realize that previous to this I had a period of “girls don’t count” monogamy with Tom that lasted three years, but as a few women reading this can attest… I certainly had sex with people other than Tom during that period. This is the longest period of my life I have actually been completely and totally monogamous. It’s kind of funny that I describe my relationship history as being “basically monogamous” but when I’m honest I notice that I’m not actually good at real and true complete monogamy. So this is interesting to me. There are a wide variety of reasons for this stretch of one-on-one attention and I’m not unhappy about it. I am very likely to continue this trend for quite some time to come. I’m curious how long this will last for me.

Noah’s history is not that different from mine. He has had longer stretches of monogamy than I have had, but it looks like he won’t beat his previous record with me. I’ve never had a partner break monogamy before just because they wanted to. In the four years I was with Tom he had sex with someone else exactly one time when I pushed it. Neither Stephen nor Phil would have broken monogamy. It’s weird having a partner who is as voracious, maybe more so, about sex.

I wonder what monogamy/non-monogamy is going to look like for us throughout our lives. I wonder if I will be monogamous during the whole breeding period. I am pretty certain he won’t be. It’s weird to think about being the monogamous one.

Clarification of “not really available”

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Quite a while back Noah and I discussed what sorts of things should change about our lives when it comes to having children. As it turns out, we both feel pretty strongly that it would not be a good idea to have outside “relationships” while breeding and raising young’uns. Yes, there is the issue of potential disease risk, but mostly there is the little matter of heavily nesting and wanting to direct that sort of energy towards our family and our future. We both have a tendency towards “Ooh! Shiny!” and that isn’t a good thing to be doing while we should be spending our energy on other things. At this point we are quite firmly into the, “Kid could happen at any point. No really. Any.Day.Now. Ovulate already you stupid ovary!!!!” Heh.

What this means for us is that we are not polyamorous. We are not pursuing outside relationships as they take away energy and time that we want to keep between us. This brings us to the fact that we live in a binary society–if we aren’t polyamorous, we’re monogamous–right? Well, mostly. There will be no baby making sex any year soon as that is something we think would be a very Bad Idea to do while trying to breed. Paternity issues and disease risk just aren’t things we feel are worth the neato-ness of outside sex. Being us, we still really really like the idea of flirting and *some* sexual contact with other people. I suppose this means that we aren’t 100% completely and totally monogamous as oral sex does count as sex. But we also feel like such potential foreys into playing with other people should be done together and very rare. In fact, it isn’t for certain that this will happen and it will be all talked about and stuff and evaluated on a case by case basis of “how much drama could this person potential add into our lives.”

So yeah. That’s what “not really available” means for us. At least until last kid is a year or more old. 🙂 Of course I still like talking about sex, pretty much constantly. Please please don’t take this as a sign of “I want to have sex with you.”

Sex/play party curiosity

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Party the first at this location was remarkably… mellow. People only played if I pushed them to play pretty hard. I found this amusing. I have already been asked if I plan to host more sex parties and seeing as Noah and I have talked about that several times I figure it is worthwhile to see what kind of interest people have. This is a fairly narrow filter, though most of the time partners are on the filter. Please do not spread around mention of this as there are many “obvious” people to invite to this sort of party who I am not inviting for whatever reason. I’m thinking that once I get past the initial bit of confirmation of interest I will switch to emails and I will ask people if they want to recommend anyone for the party invite list at that point.

Comments are screened. Are you interested in this sort of event? Do you want me to invite you to such an event? Do you wish I would stop assuming you were interested in this sort of event? Please let me know. 🙂

(If there are no major conflicts the weekend of August 25/26 might be good for an event. Please tell me if you know of conflicts.)

Mmmm sex

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We are now registered for a tantra class on Becoming Multi-Orgasmic. I understand that this is like shooting fish in a barrel for me, but maybe I will learn a new trick or two and having Noah learn more woule be very very hot. It is happening the weekend of September 14-16 up in Harbin Hot Springs (where I’ve never been). It would be way fun if other people decided to come toojoin us. Information can be found at: http://www.ecstaticliving.com/workshops/Bmulti-orgasmic.html

My friend Chris is also trying to move up the ladder of tantra training and one of the things he needs to do is teach intro-level tantra classes. Because intro-level tantra classes are often pretty small he has asked me if he can borrow my living room for some of them. This also means he has indicated to me that the classes can go from their usual (high) price to basically free. Not renting a space is awesome like that. Being me, I would feel more comfortable if the classes were mainly people I know so here I am trolling to see if anyone would like to come to a tantra class. 🙂 Feel free to contact me for more information and I can push you towards Chris as well. I actually think this would be a really awesome thing to participate in with people I know and really trust so I’m hoping some of you are willing to give it a shot.

In other news, after sticking my foot in my mouth yesterday with Anna I did something I haven’t done in ages–I spent the day masturbating. Holy cow can I have a lot of orgasms when I decide to spend the time on it. Much yay!

In other, other news… I noticed that I have just about a month until I start work again. If you want to spend time with me, now is the time to arrange that. Particularly if you have any day-time available.

I did it! I did it!

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I made Noah come with oral sex! … Wait, you say so what? No no no…. you don’t understand. Noah is one of those, “I don’t come from oral sex” people. The kind who says, “It’s happened a few times ever but those times were flukes and there isn’t much point in trying.” Well, HA! I’ve totally been paying attention and playing with technique and it worked! I did it!

I am no longer inferior!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I go off to therapy where my therapist will congratulate me for overcoming this obstacle. (Dude, it’s kind of sad how much time in therapy has been spent talking about how pathetic I have felt for being inferior in this area.)

{my shit} Freakin out

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Not a good day. Not a good day at all. I’m having anxiety attacks and freaking out. I can point at specific things and say, “See–that’s why I am feeling this way” but it isn’t entirely true. Yes, I feel like this because of those things, but it is my interpretation of those things that creates the problem.

I want to be cryptic and I want to get this shit off my chest before kids get here so I can maybe calm down. I’m sorry baby, I don’t think privacy is going to win this time.

I’m still freaking out because of the scene that went so badly for me in December. I still feel edgy and scared and disturbed. I still don’t want to have sex much. I feel unsafe. But my beloved baby doesn’t feel these same things because he didn’t have the same experience. I don’t say that as a slam or negative statement about him–just as a statement of truth with no judgment. The trouble comes in because I don’t want to have sex. He does. Having ridiculous amounts of sex has been one of the big pillars of our relationship. So uhhhh now we are having a hard time because I don’t feel safe enough to do it and yet he still has the same libido he has always had. I feel pressured and like I am failing to live up to the basics of our relationship. Mostly due to the fact that I am pathetic, insecure, and stupid we aren’t doing the open relationship thing right now so he doesn’t have any other outlet either. This is a problem because I feel like I am not willing to meet his needs and I am keeping him from getting them met elsewhere. This very much feels like the whole situations becomes “all my fault.” It doesn’t help that we have this whole brutal honesty thing. I know he isn’t happy and I feel terribly guilty and awful.

Noah gets upset with me because I can take things he says and twist them just a little bit and use them to beat myself up for a long time. There is a lot right now I am doing that with. I’m having a hard time really believing that he should be with me given that I am failing to a)meet his needs b)allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. I feel like he is suffering because I am crazy and stupid and that isn’t fair to him.

I started thinking at some point this morning that I should just start completely shutting ‘me’ down and just do it. I realized years ago that I am just a hair and a bad day away from being multiple. I am very good at putting on a completely different personality in order to get through various things. I’ve done this since I was a little kid but I have always fought very hard to keep the different personas highly conscious of one another so I am not a real multiple. If I stopped fighting so hard I could easily disassociate completely though. It has certainly happened. I kind of feel like it might be better/easier if I just started doing that. I know that it would be a new and exciting kind of psychological damage and I shouldn’t be seeking new damage in the course of trying to deal with old shit but it feels right now like I am so broken that there is no point in trying to be anything else anyway.

I want to cut. I want to cut so bad I can barely breathe. I would almost like to retreat to the relative comfort/hiding place of being suicidal but I am just functional enough to know that it isn’t an option. I wish it was. Somewhere along the way of fixing my shit I realized that suicide is entirely selfish and I am just functional enough to know how much it would hurt many people for me to do it. I kind of with I didn’t realize it because sometimes I feel like I am drowning under the weight of having to suck it up for the sake of other people.

I don’t know how to be the partner Noah deserves right now. I feel so awful and pathetic and terrible. I hate that I *feel* like he would be better off if I completely disappeared so he could find someone better. I hate that intellectually I know that would destroy him and he would probably never feel safe enough to really look if I did something like that. I would give just about anything to not hurt right now.

The bell rings in three minutes. No more time for me to be stupid and self absorbed.

Oops…

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I had a conversation with a student who isn’t mine, but who has spent a lot of time in my room with her friends. We established that she is bi, has been “sharing” her girlfriend, and I know the lot of them wear collars. As soon as I realized I was giving advice on how to manage time in a poly relationship to a girl wearing a collar…. time to walk away. I’ll give her the advice in two years. 😉

Then today clothing was picked out based on its ability to cover the hickey on my arm. We didn’t stop and think about the hickey on my boob as I walked out wearing a scoop necked shirt. Second period asked me why I have a hickey on my boob. I blushed, then said, “Well… I’m married….”

I’m now wearing my sweater buttoned up to my neck. Very silly.

Being good enough

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Some days I get it into my head that I am not good enough. When I do this I latch onto something as an example to prove that I am not good enough. This time it’s related to sex. I’ve taken way too much pride over the years in the fact that I am generally considered to be very good at sex. I have gone out and deliberately learned how to be better.

But I’m not the best at everything. And sometimes knowing that hurts. Sometimes knowing that means that I hate the people who are better. Especially when they are people I know, people I am jealous of anyway.

I know I need to grow up, but this one sucks.

And in the process of being stupid and immature I hurt Noah. I wish I could be all that he deserves.

{dirtier} My life is your porn

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I kind of want to give a full, dirty, explicit description of what happened, but I’m tired. I got very little sleep. What I will say that this holiday season (I’m pretending that November is not part of the holiday season) was by far the raunchiest two weeks I’ve ever had. A terribly successful foursome was had. Much sex in public. All kinds of depraved things in the privacy of my bedroom including my first ever real live two boys in the lower bits sex.

Wow.

I’m sore.