Tag Archives: therapy

good and bad news.

My therapist hasn’t been doing so well lately health wise. She just took two weeks off trying to get a handle on it but this much time hasn’t been enough. So she is going on hiatus for a bit until she can get things to a better place. She told me that she had totally expected me to be as supportive as I was, which made me smile. She told me that I could see a replacement person for a while if I needed to but I said that I would just wait until she was better again cause I’m real fussy about who I talk to. Her response:

“Yeah, and you have just about the best support network I’ve ever seen. I don’t actually worry about you.”

I like that even my therapist knows how much my friends rock.

{my shit} Note about filter, unpretty, unworthy, hating myself

Uhm, a note about this filter. I’ve taken people off of it because I am going through one of those major control freak periods where unsolicited comments I don’t like are really really bothering me. So I’ve cut back most of the people who make comments I don’t want to hear. Maybe that is petty, but this is my bloody journal and if I don’t get to write what I want here without being responded to in ways I don’t like I should just forget the whole thing. I label this filter pretty religiously so you know in advance that it’s the heavier shit.

Most of the time I don’t say too much about people commenting on stuff. I ignore stuff I don’t want to respond to or I take someone off a filter and that’s about the end of it. On this filter I’m going to ask everyone to think before you comment. I’m not saying that anyone has to sycophantically agree with me or suck up, just think pretty hard before you comment. If your comment is tangential or not really about what is being brought up, please don’t comment. This filter is where I write about a lot of the stuff that is the hardest for me. I let people read it because many people have expressed that they really want to see what is happening for me as I work through this stuff. But as people stop feeling safe for me to process in front of they are simply removed. It isn’t up for discussion or negotiation. If you feel like you no longer want to be on this filter, please let me know. I am happy to take you off.

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{my shit} Therapy homework

My therapist is so laid back that she practically lays down during our sessions. This is really good for me cause I need mellow people desperately. But this week she got all aggressive like and gave me *gasp* homework. Alright.

I’m supposed to go through the messages I have gotten around money. I’ve been having some issues around class stuff really bothering me and she thinks this might be a good starting place for working through it. (I’m not saying I have fully embraced all of these, but they exist for me.)

*”You should advertise here so you can get more money.” – The strong implication was the only career I should head for is prostitution. I was about 12. This came from my brother and my cousin.
*My mom was destitute but my father was actually middle class. He controlled all of the purse strings and therefore basically all of the safety and security and happiness in my family.
*If my mom wanted child support she had to go fuck my dad.
*I was often the only white kid who was poor. I knew other kids who were equally in bad shape, but they seemed to have cultural support in dealing with it. It was somehow extra shameful that I was so poor and white.
*Poor people should be grateful for anything well off people decide to give them/do for them. Even if it nothing like what you need or want.
*My mother often spent money selfishly/foolishly and it meant that I did without some basic necessities at times. I grew to believe that spending money on yourself meant hurting the people around you because my mother spent money on herself and it sometimes hurt me. I don’t want to be like that.
*I have the obligation to work hard for money and then give it to my family when they need it. Even if that means fucking up my own life.
*It’s ok to spend money on something that costs less than $10 basically anytime you want to. Even though all of those small purchases add up and cause a problem later. It was cheap and therefore ok to buy.
*It’s always ok to buy clothes, movies, and books. Even if you don’t have enough food.
*Supporting children is an obligation that should be shoved off on someone else as often and for as long as possible.
*It’s ok to lie about how much money you have when someone asks you if they can have money, but it isn’t ok to say “no.”
*Car maintanence is an extravagance that should be put off as long as possible.
*Food should be cheap and plentiful because spending more money on a small amount is stupid and wasteful.
*Wanting more than someone can provide makes you selfish and bad. You should stop wanting.
*Wanting nicer things (like matched dishes) is snobby and vain and selfish.
*Using paper napkins/plates/etc at Thanksigiving/Christmas is low class and disgusting.

I can’t think of anything else right now. I may edit this later.

{my shit} Oh, look! I have a navel!

I’ve been trying to figure out why I am so bothered by the kid calling me an asshole and the resulting fuss. It isn’t that I think I should be more respected because I AM THE AUTHORITY. No, just no–that isn’t my deal. I feel like when kids react to me that way that I am being told that I am bad. I wish I could just strike that word from my conscious. When kids aren’t doing what they should be doing and are failing I feel like they are doing so because *I* have failed. But I haven’t. I managed to push, pull, and drag over a hundred kids through a very successful year of English. Why do I feel like a failure because about 20 kids don’t care about school? That isn’t about me. And really–the number is only about 20 who have fallen through the cracks.

And stuff has been rocky with Noah all week for a variety of reasons. I’ve been thinking and thinking on why. It’s both awesome and frustrating that I can never say, “We are having problems because he is an asshole.” And even going so far as to say that we are having problems feels like an overstatement. I’m being confused and unhappy and grumpy in his direction; he is being quiet and patient and understanding. I really have the best husband in the whole wide world (for me). Today when I realized that I was upset about the kids because I feel like I am failing and bad I started to put two and two together that I am upset about the Noah stuff for the same reason. (Yes, this may be obvious to those of you watching at home–I’m slow.)

Talking about his family (or my family) sucks for me because I feel like any and all issues have to be because I am just terrible. So when there are problems I assume all blame internally even when I am saying out loud that it isn’t my fault. So I’m arguing with myself in my head about blame and I feel like shit. Then I lash out because it hurts and the only way I really know to deal with hurt is to hurt back, even if that just means myself. It’s quite the vicious cycle.

I got to talk to a neato chick yesterday about issues in our lives and issues we each had with Noah (SEE! I don’t hate all of his ex’s!!) and it was interesting getting the comraderie. So that lead to some more interesting talking with Noah. I started thinking about why I feel upset about some of it. Oh wait, I feel compared–which means I have to lose, cause I’m bad.

I really hate this word. I need to find a way to get it out of my head.

Thrive on adversity

Noah and I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and I honestly have some mixed feelings about how it is going. I think that what we are looking for is some new tricks in how to handle things and I’m not sure we are getting our money’s worth. Last night turned into a big argument in fact. It’s awesome when someone says something and then says, “I didn’t say that” in a patronizing voice. That’s a good way to have me be instantly furious. I was fairly seething. Noah could tell how angry I was. I’m pretty sure that anyone with half a brain could tell. Her reaction was… interesting. She is big on somatic work so she tried to abruptly change the tone and way things were going by breaking the flow and telling me to make physical motions so that I could “establish boundaries.” Well, I told her no, that I was going to establish my boundaries by not doing what she told me to do. That seemed to throw her. She gave the plattitudes about how conflict is good, but I don’t think she really believes it…

But what really rocked for me was that Noah totally defended me. That rocked.

{my shit} Freakin out

Not a good day. Not a good day at all. I’m having anxiety attacks and freaking out. I can point at specific things and say, “See–that’s why I am feeling this way” but it isn’t entirely true. Yes, I feel like this because of those things, but it is my interpretation of those things that creates the problem.

I want to be cryptic and I want to get this shit off my chest before kids get here so I can maybe calm down. I’m sorry baby, I don’t think privacy is going to win this time.

I’m still freaking out because of the scene that went so badly for me in December. I still feel edgy and scared and disturbed. I still don’t want to have sex much. I feel unsafe. But my beloved baby doesn’t feel these same things because he didn’t have the same experience. I don’t say that as a slam or negative statement about him–just as a statement of truth with no judgment. The trouble comes in because I don’t want to have sex. He does. Having ridiculous amounts of sex has been one of the big pillars of our relationship. So uhhhh now we are having a hard time because I don’t feel safe enough to do it and yet he still has the same libido he has always had. I feel pressured and like I am failing to live up to the basics of our relationship. Mostly due to the fact that I am pathetic, insecure, and stupid we aren’t doing the open relationship thing right now so he doesn’t have any other outlet either. This is a problem because I feel like I am not willing to meet his needs and I am keeping him from getting them met elsewhere. This very much feels like the whole situations becomes “all my fault.” It doesn’t help that we have this whole brutal honesty thing. I know he isn’t happy and I feel terribly guilty and awful.

Noah gets upset with me because I can take things he says and twist them just a little bit and use them to beat myself up for a long time. There is a lot right now I am doing that with. I’m having a hard time really believing that he should be with me given that I am failing to a)meet his needs b)allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. I feel like he is suffering because I am crazy and stupid and that isn’t fair to him.

I started thinking at some point this morning that I should just start completely shutting ‘me’ down and just do it. I realized years ago that I am just a hair and a bad day away from being multiple. I am very good at putting on a completely different personality in order to get through various things. I’ve done this since I was a little kid but I have always fought very hard to keep the different personas highly conscious of one another so I am not a real multiple. If I stopped fighting so hard I could easily disassociate completely though. It has certainly happened. I kind of feel like it might be better/easier if I just started doing that. I know that it would be a new and exciting kind of psychological damage and I shouldn’t be seeking new damage in the course of trying to deal with old shit but it feels right now like I am so broken that there is no point in trying to be anything else anyway.

I want to cut. I want to cut so bad I can barely breathe. I would almost like to retreat to the relative comfort/hiding place of being suicidal but I am just functional enough to know that it isn’t an option. I wish it was. Somewhere along the way of fixing my shit I realized that suicide is entirely selfish and I am just functional enough to know how much it would hurt many people for me to do it. I kind of with I didn’t realize it because sometimes I feel like I am drowning under the weight of having to suck it up for the sake of other people.

I don’t know how to be the partner Noah deserves right now. I feel so awful and pathetic and terrible. I hate that I *feel* like he would be better off if I completely disappeared so he could find someone better. I hate that intellectually I know that would destroy him and he would probably never feel safe enough to really look if I did something like that. I would give just about anything to not hurt right now.

The bell rings in three minutes. No more time for me to be stupid and self absorbed.

Therapy and boot camp and tooth pain, OH My!

Last night we had therapy. It is interesting to go with Noah. Cause that means all sorts of stuff is coming up which doesn’t usually. It’s scarier than usual. It’s also interesting becasue I know that a lot of my “turning inward” stuff never comes up in therapy but this therapist has already seen it more than once. It’s… disconcerting.

Boot camp is kicking my ass. I need to start taking the stomach medicine before I go because I’m in serious pain and I want to puke before it is over. 🙁 But I kept going through the whole thing even though I was doing it very slowly. My whole body hurts. I am so fried. And three more days this week… *sigh*

I get to run off for more dental appointment crap today. I’m not really looking forward to this. But… has to be done.

And tonight is a Pryankster pryactice in the south bay so I’m going to do my best to go. I’m wondering if I will be physically able to move, but I’ll try! I’m terribly GGG.

Now I will go back to watching Toy Story with the few remaining kids in my Comp and Lit class. (The sophmores are off taking the exit exam.)

{my shit} roller coaster of therapy

For a variety of reasons I have had therapy with different people on: Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and I have an appointment for today. I am feeling very very overwhelmed and I think today is going to consist of me telling this (new) person today that I am not going to be continuing to see her.

Short explanation: I was handed off from one person at the Y to another and I am not happy about it because it happened without my permission or even knowledge. 🙁 We have shopped around for a therapist to see together because we are running into a couple of walls and seeing those new people has resulted in a vast overload of processing and I’m feeling very very burnt out and drained. No more processing. 🙁

{my shit} Therapy homework.

It is interesting to me as I sit here dispassionately looking at the many escapist ways I have of not getting to thinking about what I don’t want to think about. I hyper-notice the cleaning that NEEDS to happen (emphasis added to explain degree of obsession), and I need to go eat. Cleaning house was always one of the few things I could do to make my mother happy. I am also back to a feeling I haven’t had in a long while. When I am completely overwhelmed by my emotional state I cannot eat enough food to make me feel food. My stomach aches with hunger even after consuming a decent sized meal. Given how much of my life I have spent feeling this way I must stop and realize that I actually have a decently quick metabolism. Hm. But I am babbling because I want to procrastinate. I need to stop, but I really don’t want to do this.

Oh, this is going to be one of the few times I really ramble on and on as if this is a paper journal just for me. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to follow my ramblings and ickiness. And just to prove how much you really don’t need to read it: Here. It’s not even on your screen.

{my shit} Feeling brittle

I am so incredibly on edge it isn’t funny. The slightest things set me off. Last night Noah made a rather silly comment and I took it very personally and basically threw a temper tantrum and left the room to sleep in the guest room. It seemed like a better option than continuing to be petty and stupid and nasty. It seems like everything is over the top right now. Proportionate reactions are a thing of the distant past. Although, in our defense–when we stop the nastiness and get around to actually trying to figure out what happened it is taking less and less time. I’m hopeful.

My therapist had some lovely things to say about my family. When I said I felt bad about being so angry she said, “Uhm, sounds like they are assholes and you should be angry” and when I asked her for advice on how to handle their manipulations better without yelling she said, “Oh, you mean how can you give them more of what they want and still not feel like shit about it?” She so has me pegged. Still not easy though. I haven’t figured out what I am going to do about them. Given that within the next month we need to send out save the date announcements for the wedding my current plan is to just not send any to anyone in my family. 🙁

{therapy} Shrink visit and cathartic play

Yesterday I went to see my therapist and she opened with, “I want to give you the quick and dirty answer to whether I will see your mom first: no. Now let me explain…” We talked about how she wouldn’t exactly be fair with my mom so there isn’t much point in having the session happen. That made me happy. This conversation actually took a little bit. 🙂 Then I said: “I’ve had an eventful two weeks! I found out that my step-mother died and that no one thought I would care so they didn’t tell me. I called my mom for the first time in six months and drama ensued. I had an enormously stressful trip to Chicago which included some huge triggering things and a blow up at the end and such fucked up travel that we left a day late and almost returned a day late. My car blew up. My apartment flooded.” Her response? “Wow. You’ve been busy.” Smartass.

We spent a while talking about the situation with japlady‘s dad. Whether she wants to admit it or not he has a condecending tone of voice and that is hard for me to swallow ever let alone when I haven’t slept well in days, haven’t eaten a meal that agrees with me in days, have been in majorly stressful situations over and over for days, and just generally am away from home so I feel kind of off-balance. In talking about my reaction to him we couldn’t come up with anyone he reminds me of exactly. Yes, the situation japlady lives with is similar to what my father would have been willing to do me but it never actually happened so I don’t know if that is much of it. I know that I hate how he treats her and I hold a lot of anger towards him for that reason. (Yes, japlady doesn’t believe the anger is warranted–but when has that stopped me?) It is huge and complicated and messy. We also got around to the part that the only thing I really dislike about japlady is the name dropping and her father does it more/worse than she does. So I probably resented not only that he was doing it but that he fostered this habit in someone I otherwise think is so totally terrific. I don’t have full resolution on this issue yet in my head so I am going to keep thinking on it. I feel like the conclusions I have reached so far are very superficial and I am not confident that I have hit the meat of the matter.

Then we move on to last night. I played with a good friend on Wednesday knowing that I was going to be playing with her again last night. She has recently gone through a really bad breakup and I have been aware that she is really hurting emotionally. I also know that she is a very heavy masochist. I don’t know how or why I decided to be arrogant enough to try and help her process through some of her stuff, but I did. On Wednesday I tried to take her down hard and fast and get her to cry in a gut wrenching sort of way and it worked. I tested the waters to see how much anger would come up when I started hurting her like that. Oh, I did it by punching her. Punching is a very primal and overwhelming sort of way to be hurt, and I hit rather hard. When she started getting to a really angry place on Wednesday I kept up my litany of telling her that she is a good girl, but other than that I didn’t really get into a dialogue about what was coming up for her. Last night I did. Before we started playing I told her that I was going to be asking her why I was beating her and the answer I wanted her to give is: “Because I’m a good girl.” I gave her a little bit of a warm up with spanking and light punching before switching to canes. Not very far into the scene I asked her why I was doing it and she couldn’t tell me that she was a good girl. She started getting into negative self-talk repeating things that were said to her during her horrible break up. Things about her being bad. I stopped hitting her. I turned her around and held her face up close to mine and told her that I would not hit her again if she believed that I was doing it because she was bad. I told her I would never ever reinforce that idea in her brain. It took a little more talking but eventually she started to be able to say that she was good and I resumed the scene. We went back and forth talking as I beat the living crap out of her about how the negative things he told her were wrong. That she is good and deserving. She was very upset and screamed out a lot of her rage and pain generating from how she was treated. After a while I started ramping up harder and harder. I am not a weak girl and I was hitting her just about as hard as I am capable. Towards the end she was Not Having Fun anymore and that was my goal. I told her that I wanted her to tell me to stop. That I want her to have the power to say that when she isn’t enjoying it anymore that it needs to end. At first she resisted and said she couldn’t but after a few more minutes she finally could ask me to stop.

I spent almost as much time crying during this scene as she did. It was tremendously difficult to do, but I feel very good about having done it. After I stopped beating her I pulled her to the ground and started telling her again how much I love her. I asked some of her women friends to join me in telling her so and how strong she is.

I think that a good way to understand just how far I pushed her was encapsulated when Spot said later, “Everything I have read has said you don’t do that.” Yeah. SM play is a very scary beast. When you are experiencing as much physical pain as she was in you are opening up your mind and spirit to be receptive to things that normally just aren’t available to you. It is very rare that I play that heavily and I would only attempt a scene where I knew I was working towards such catharsis with someone I have known as long and as well as I have known this person. If I had not spent so many years seeing how her relationship worked and knowing the kind of self-talk she does I wouldn’t have done this. But I do feel ok with the fact that I did this with her. I actually feel really good about it.

Honey–I love you. Thank you for opening yourself to me this way. I hope I get to continue to know you for a very long time.

And thank you to the girl who stretched herself sooooo much by being there and participating to the level you did. I know how hard it was for you and I have only love and admiration for your courage and strength and giving heart. Thank you.

{my shit} Crazy?

Yesterday was a very productive therapy session. Lots of looking at shit and why things work out the way they do for me. I really want to talk about it and it is all very disorganized in my head. I want to curl up in bed and talk to someone about all the ways in which I am crazy and there is no one to do that with.

Today isn’t so fun.

{my shit} family blow up

So my sister has some serious problems. She is a drug addict and an alcoholic. She was doing well for several years and now she is off the wagon again. She is choosing to host parties for her children’s friends in which many teenagers get very drunk and often there is a lot of pot involved. As a mandated reporter, I have a problem with this. I also have a problem with the abusive environment in which she is raising her children. She is an alcoholic, with all the erratic behavior that entails. I believe it would be best for her children to be taken away from her.

Let me try to start the story of yesterday from the beginning.

My mom called yesterday morning just to chat and the topic of my sister eventually came up. I expressed my concern about the parties that my sister hosts and told my mother the stories that my sister has relayed about some of the parties. (A 12 year old with severe alcohol poisoning and a 14 year old girl taking on multiple guys at once and having it be photographed and then put on the internet being the stories that bother me the most.) There was to be a party last night and legally I have to report it. I just wasn’t sure how hard to push it. My mother encouraged me, nay–begged me to call the police and do anything in my power to have my sister’s children taken away. I felt rather conflicted and I didn’t decide what to do while on the phone with her. I talked to my brother about it and he thinks that anything that could cause my sister to lose her children would be for the best. A little while later my mother called back and told me she has been thinking about the situation like crazy and she has to tell me that if I decide to do this and my sister ever finds out that it was me who turned her in I cannot let on that my mother knew about it. My mother explicitly told me that she would call me a liar if I ever said she knew anything about it. I got rather hysterical and yelled, “Just like my father called me a liar?” and hung up the phone.

The rest of the day was a series of overly frantic and urgent phone calls to various friends who have knowledge of the legal system and a family friend who is a lawyer and my brother. My brother and I had some really hard and crappy phone calls. Eventually I decided to go over to my sister’s house and check the party out for myself before I decided what to do. By 7:30 they were out of beer and the people who bring the hard alcohol and pot weren’t at this party. This would not be the time to call the police in my opinion. Very little would happen. I still have to file a report with CPS, but that can be done as a teacher and my name won’t be involved in the investigation. My sister will think it is one of my niece or nephew’s teachers.

So there was this huge, nasty, dramatic day for… not much of anything. I hate my family. I will not be spending Christmas with my mother. My brother is going to be talking with my mother today and he told me that if she does not show a rather drastic change of attitude she will no longer have access to his children either because she is perpetuating the cycle of alcoholism and abuse. It is going to be difficult to explain to my sister what is going on and why I am not going to be there, but oh well.

I don’t have a father. I don’t have a mother. My sister is an alcoholic, abusive person who cannot seem to break the cycle she is in. She is headed for another downward spiral and I cannot and will not be a part of it nor condone it. My brother is a controlling, belligerant asshole and talking with him always leaves me more frazzled and upset than I was before. As much as I don’t want to, I need to completely cut my bio-family out of my life. They are destroying themselves and they want to take me down with them. I simply do not have the strenth to be involved with them and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself.

I am tired of this whole mess. I can see no way in which I have benefitted. I feel so incredibly alone and it hurts.

{therapy}Optimism

Today I am going to be looking at an apartment complex that I am interested in. First I am looking at the studio, then the one bedroom. If I like either I may just sign the lease today.

Therapy yesterday was good and very hard. I spent a while crying. Puppy thought that was a reflection of the therapist picking on me. She asked me to think about ways I can let Puppy console me and it led to me crying a lot because I don’t know if I can let him console me. I realized how much my trust in him is damaged. That was so hard. And it isn’t because of things that have happened often or things that he realized were such a big deal. He won’t defend or protect me, ever. Those things matter to me. I am starting to realize that those things might just be the most important thing and he didn’t do it. We have opened a dialogue about it. It’s very scary. After the session I felt wrung out and seriously depressed. I tried calling a couple of friends to see if they wanted to have dinner but they weren’t available. 🙁 After a couple of hours I rallied and was in a better mood than I have been in a while. This is some seriously hard stuff and if we can figure it out we have a much higher chance of making it period. People are still telling me to DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already for those of you who do not read Savage Love) and asking me why I want to stay with him. I still don’t have a coherent answer. I want him because I love him so much I ache and feel empty when he is away from me. I want him because he makes me smile and laugh and he is happy to play with me. It is kind of weird. I am always playful with people I date, but I normally do it from the cover of being “little.” He is pretty freaked out by me being little, so I have to play as an adult. It’s a different kind of mindset.

Still scared. Still insecure. Maybe feeling a little better though.

{therapy}

So I’m still not sure what I think about my therapist. Though she talked more this time than she did last time.

Something that is driving me crazy is feeling like I don’t know where I belong. I come from white trash, there is no nicer way of putting that. I come from people who consider a high school diploma to be a nearly unreachable lifetime goal. People who are still living in large houses with too many people per bedroom because they can’t afford to live independently. Though more are independent now than ever before. I’m not like them. I’m just not. Through whatever accident of fate, I managed to change my destiny.

But now what?

I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know where I belong in life. I am about to financially qualify as middle class, but let me tell you–I will never really be. My life expectations are colored by the pessimism of my class. Even saying that makes me feel bad, but it is bloody true. If you have not grown up truly poor (and few on my friends-list have) then you just don’t know what I am talking about. If you did grow up poor, dude–you know. If you are poor you assume that things will always suck no matter what so you don’t bother trying to change your life. And when you do try to change your life you deal with the attitude from the people who won’t try. IT SUCKS.

So I don’t know where I fit. Or even where I want to fit.

And then there is this boy whom I love to distraction. I don’t know why I love him so much, I just do. It would make my life easier if I could just stop.

{Therapy filter}

I didn’t get around to navel gazing on what I thought I wanted to bring up. That is probably good, it meant I was more ok with the topic wandering around a lot.

Some things looked at:
Relationships within my family
How I handle verbal boundaries with friends
My birthday
The touching thing that has been happening lately and the resultant near agoraphobia
Follow up on the moving thing with Puppy

That was a lot to cover in 55 minutes and I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I still feel like she and I are getting up to speed with one another and that means we are doing a lot of very surface-level discussion of things.

In mulling over the touching thing after therapy by myself a couple of things occured to me. At this point in time I am no longer comfortable with allowing anyone to treat my body as if it is something they have a right to touch. This is manifesting in a few ways. The vast majority of my friends are people whom I have given explicit permission to and I am not upset with my friends. However, the fact that my friends touch me so casually and so constantly means that people who do not have permission to touch me feel that it is simply an ok thing to do. I have been trying and trying and trying to figure out how to deal with this. My reaction of just not going out where there might be people who don’t have permission isn’t really working out. It means I am missing chances to see my friends and that is hurting me.

For a while I think I need to revoke all standing permission. In no way is this a criticism of anyone who has standing permission or an implication that you do/have done anything wrong. For whatever reason, at this point in time I need to have a lot more control over access to my body than I have had for a while. I really need to have everyone try to be conscious enough to ask me specifically and verbally if it is ok to touch me right now. I’m going to do my level best to be gentle in reminding people if they forget, because it isn’t a normal part of most peoples’ interactions with me. I don’t know how long this will last. I just can’t deal with constantly feeling out of control anymore. I can’t handle the fact that my feeling at this point in time is that I am better off not going to anyones’ event because I will have to be defensive of my body and potentially hostile. And by defensive of my body, I do mean my shoulder, my head, my arm… I’m not just talking about the sexual parts of my body.

I explained to her that at this point when someone touches me without permission (someone I don’t really know, I’m not referencing friends) my response is to get rather hostile. I told her how very upset it makes me that I get hostile because it is surely over the top. She said it is perfectly ok and she is really happy that I am defending the boundary for myself, however I need to do it. This was my first almost-crying moment with her. I have been feeling so very bad lately that I get so upset about something that other people seem to shrug off. Having so many people tell me to just get over it has made it even worse. I talked to Puppy about it last night too and he said he agrees with her. I am going to make a hugely judgmental statement now and say: Thank god that for once it isn’t me that is broken in an exchange. The people who are telling me that I am wrong for having boundaries are not perfectly ok. It’s stupid and awful that I need other people to tell me this. It isn’t that I think that it is wrong for other people to not have boundaries for themselves, but they are wrong in telling me to get over what I need for myself. [attempt to be funny]I had suspected this.[/attempt to be funny]

I really like this therapist. I think this is going to work out.

{my shit} First visit goals

For some reason I feel comfortable enough with you to put you into the filter where I talk about my shit. This is not an opt-in filter. However, please feel free to opt-out if whatever I’m talking about makes you uncomfortable. I won’t be upset at all.

Some of the main points I want to bring up as the biggest stuff that is on my plate at this point in time:

Anxiety in general. When I get upset about things I shut down and don’t seem to be able to make any progress on my own. How can I better recognize anxiety and not get locked into bad patterns?
Anger management. If something/anything at all sets me off I am completely unreasonable and I can’t calm down. I get violent very easily and I lash out constantly. This isn’t ok. I want to figure out how to stop lashing out and feeling inappropriate anger. It isn’t that I want to stop getting/feeling angry. I just want to do it in a way that isn’t psycho and out-of-line.
Hearing negative when none is intended. This is a major problem in any/all relationships for me. I constantly feel criticized and looked down on even when people are not being anything but positive. A subset of this is my major abandonment fears. I always think that people are formulating an “out” plan for getting out of having to deal with me. How do I stop hearing negative tapes attached to any/every thing that people say?
Inferiority complex. I think that pretty much everyone in my life is better than me intellectually/social class wise/spirituality/whatever. If someone has/does anything better than me I think they are a “better person” than me and then I translate that into feeling totally worthless generally. This is totally the suck because I consciously surround myself with highly talented and brilliant people because those are who I admire and relate to. So I set myself up for feeling bad a lot of the time just in who I like. It’s pretty stupid. Especially considering that these same people almost constantly tell me how much they in turn admire me. It’s part of only hearing negative.

I think these are the basics….

Edit for reframing of goals.
I want to feel secure that people are telling me the truth when they say they love me and are going to stay. (In the sense that they are being honest in their intentions. Life happens.)
I want to feel confident that I am equal to my friends.
I want to hear and believe the positives that people say to me. I want to be able to internalize the affection that people are giving to me.
Others to come….

Advice

Yes. I actually want advice on this one.

So I have an appointment with a therapist. If she isn’t queer, kinky, and poly… at least most of her friends are. She is actually part of “the community” (which means that part of the first session will be seeing if I can actually see her or if there is too close of a contact somewhere).

I haven’t gone to see a new therapist in a long time and the last time I did it was with a specific thing going on. I don’t feel like I know where to begin. I feel overwhelmed by the mess in my head. I need to have some way of presenting things/me to her and I am totally lost. For some reason I just don’t feel like I should begin with the standard dump about my childhood. That is part of my shit, but it isn’t really the part that is the most important right now and it totally gives the impression that I am broken nearly beyond repair. Instead I am just kind of broken. …. I feel really uncertain as to how to approach this.

Any tips, advice, or recommendations?