Tag Archives: update

Just life

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I slept for just shy of 10 hours last night. That is highly unusual for me. Normally I wake up around 7 1/2 hours. I think I am making up for the school year.

I’m reading a lot, both on the internet and actual books. It feels really nice to not be pressured or on a deadline.

My lovely husband rocks so hard. He came home from work last night and did most of the work to make dinner. Then we had a fabulous date night. I married the best perv ever! (Ok, so there are still a few skillz I would like him to develop but he is coming along nicely…) This “communication” stuff is really handy.

I’ve been talking to Tom more and feeling more comfortable about it. I still feel a bit tense when I watch him playing (I don’t spend much time doing this) but there is less tension and more happiness that he is happy. I really do love him and want him to be happy and I know that he never would have had all that he needed with me. And I really am better off with Noah so it’s a win all the way around. I think I feel so connected to him still because he was the first person to love me so much or so well and I try very hard to appreciate what people do for me. The fact that what he had to give ended up not being enough in the long run is really not his fault.

Alright, I’ll say it. Off birth control. Don’t know when anything more interesting is going to actually happen as I have no control over that. Lots of looking down and chanting “ovulate!!” I amuse me. The first two weeks I was pretty batty and all over the place emotionally but that has passed and I’m feeling generally pretty cheerful. The fact that it coincided with lots of job stress and then no job stress probably helps.

Still having a hard time believing that I am not too difficult to put up with. Noah says I’m ok, but it’s hard. I’m so scared of pushing him away and I know I am tempermental. Gah. Have to just accept that I’ll never be placid or even tempered. Suckful acceptance.

My body is being weird. I think it is mostly that I am sitting on my ass too much. I’m stiff and sore most places most of the time. I’m also a wee bit chunkier than is optimal for normal usage. (My jeans don’t really fit.) Other than that: my hair is freshly red and my jaw hurts all the time. Looks like braces are mandatory. Damnit! I really hate dental stuff.

Family stuff continues to suck. I’m thinking that I should do another six months or so without talking to any of them. My mom recently asked me to have dinner so she could give me my baby pictures because she doesn’t want them. This following on the heels of her telling me that my bio-family isn’t my family, my chosen family is along with her threatening to sue me if I publicly disclose stuff about my life… yeah. I think maybe it’s time for some non-talking. My sister doesn’t even want me to know where she lives–as in she has told her children they are not to give me their address. Awesome. Jimmy still doesn’t want to speak to me and may never again. My aunt doesn’t believe me about the stuff that has been happening because she has never heard about it before from anyone else. Yeah. Just… yeah. That’s ok. I have a Mom who wants to be part of my life. I have a Dad and a Daddy both of whom love me and dote on me and give me the kind of support I need. I have people all over the country who love me and support me. I suppose my mother is right. I do have a family and she isn’t part of it.

Computer woes continue. At least this time I managed to back everything up. Heh. Still thinking about buying an Apple instead of a PC. Luckily, I have my work computer to use over the summer so it isn’t mandatory yet.

Given the impending kidlet situation, having two vehicles that don’t place one of us at serious risk of injury daily is a mandatory situation. I’ve been looking around and I’m pretty sure I want a Mazda 5. (The Prius was supposed to be Noah’s car from the start…) I have wanted an Element for years, but seeing as there could be three booster seats in our future, a four seater vehicle is just not an option. *sigh* There goes that dream. Is ok. Babies are more interesting than a vehicle I can clean with a hose. 🙂 It’s going to be a bit more expensive than we were hoping for, but it will be doable.

My student loan debt will be gone before school starts again. We will have just the mortgage in debt and that is such a nice feeling.

Kids are scheduled to come paint the house when I get back from the honeymoon. I’m actually looking forward to it. 🙂

I leave on Monday to see my friends and Noah is joining me on Thursday. We are going to be backpacking for a week. I’m so excited!

Life… life is not completely 100% perfect, but life is good.

State of the meh.

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Julia rocks in so many ways. But way high up on the list: she ties me up AND she helps me do yard work. What more could one ask of a girl? Dude. Much rocking.

Today I have: done massive yardwork (including trimming the rose bushes), been to Costco to begin the arduous task of restocking a deep freeze, and had a shitty conversation with my mother. Happy fucking Mothers Day, bitch. I’m so sorry that I am not willing to keep my mouth shut to assuage your guilt. And it must be terribly convenient to be able to forget the horrible things you have said, but I am not so able to forget.

Today I should do: more reading quizzes. I’m having a lot of trouble finding the motivation.

Noah didn’t call today and the phone call yesterday was not all that I could have hoped for. I feel so very lonely.

This weekend has been weird in general. Lots of talking to ex’s…

Much yay

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Today I get to go in three hours late without having to bend the rules because I am an honest and straightforward person. So screw you to all of my dishonest colleagues. (Rant maybe forthcoming on that one.)

This morning I got all of the prep work done for the next few days that has been making me nervous. Sweet.

Today, I checked the bank account and saw what would have been once upon a time a staggering amount of money. At this point it isn’t staggering, but it is certainly plenty so that my darling husband could be out of work for months before I would worry even one iota about him finding a job. My salary is enough to keep us afloat and we have a beautiful cushion for just about any “just in case.” Oh, and the only debt we have left is the mortgage and my student loans due to me masterfully managing our money and paying off a rather large amount of debt in the past six months. Go me.

Yesterday I got to see my lovely Sarah, though only briefly, and she presented me with the baby clothes she has acquired so far. The fact that I am not the only one joyfully anticipating me getting pregnant lets me feel a sense of family and attachment I wouldn’t have believed I would get. Thank you Sarah; thank you for being my family. Eight more weeks until I stop taking birth control. The days are flying by…

Including today I have 31 more days of educational opportunity remaining with my kidlets. But that includes finals and weird schedules and I don’t see any of the individual classes that many times. Really I only have 22 more days with each individual class. Eeeek! Must get through this book! But I have a good solid unit plan in front of me and I am confident that I will get through it and my babies will do well.

Life is really good.

No doom or gloom today

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This morning God kissed me on the forehead. Today I believe, at least a little, that I don’t suck. That things will be ok.

It’s weird. I never know what kind of day it is going to be. I wish I had more control over my emotions.

Lots of my friends are going through similar or worse bad stuff right now. I hope God kisses your foreheads today as well.

I’m not quite *cheerful* but I’m at least not crying or feeling depressed. It’s a start; I’ll take it.

A weekend

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It is interesting to me to see who I want in my life and who I don’t. It is interesting to me to see what kinds of arguments I get in. I got into an argument about home schooling on Sunday. I have a serious issue with the people who believe that the only way to get proper socialization is to be forced to go to school. I happen to believe that school is a hostile environment and one I don’t think is beneficial to very many people. Ok, you disagree. Well… uhm, go you? Glad you fit in then.

I had an epiphany yesterday while reading the book Undefended Love my adopted mommy gave me. Maybe–just maybe I am not bad. It’s a very weird/disorienting/hard thought. But I’m going with it. It has been hard to stay present with it while going through some unpleasant interactions, but it’s going ok.

Hard therapy conversation. I told her stuff about my dad. I think I am going to journal it soon. It’s hard to be really honest and up front about some of it. I’m not sure if the stuff my dad did was worse or easier than the stuff strangers did.

I’m still not over him, and that is hard sometimes. I am trying to move past it, but it is not the easiest thing I have ever done. I grew up with him. He was my Daddy. (If you don’t know who I am talking about, don’t worry about it.)

I got bit by a spider. My arm hurts less than it did, but my forearm still hurts. I still have very little ability to grip with my hand. My stomach hurts, but my stomach almost always hurts so I’m not going to attribute it. I’m alternating being hot enough to sweat and feeling chilly. This seems bad. Apparently me being hurt is cause for some people to laugh. I will remember that.

Noah overwhelms me with how amazing he is sometimes. And sometimes I am reminded that he is a human boy and not totally perfect. That’s hard sometimes.

re: Rose42dance

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Pryankster list just received:

Good news! Just heard from Sara, and apparently the surgery went well. She’s out
of recovery and in a room, and when I spoke with her they were just bringing her
some juice. They want to keep her there until she’s eaten and passed a meal, so it
may be a day or two. She’s on pain medication from the surgery, and sleeping quite
a bit, so the hospital policy is to block incoming phone calls for 24 hours after
surgery. She’ll be able to take calls starting tomorrow morning.

Visitors are allowed, however, and visiting hours end at 9:00 tonight.

The hospital’s phone number is (510) 537-1234, and she’s in room 2404.

(If you don’t know who this is talking about, don’t worry about. Pryanksters–pass it on.)
Yay!

Weekends are good.

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I got to see several friends I haven’t seen in a while. That was nice. I also got to go rock climbing! It was totally fun even though I suck. 🙂 Would anyone be interested in going with me again? I promise that next time I will make sure I get a belay class so you aren’t stuck bouldering. 🙂

Much yummy snuggly time on Sunday. Mmmmm. I loves my husband. Along with a bit of “processing.” I’m tired of processing. *sigh* I need to work on being less crazy though, so I’ll keep it up.

This morning started at 5am. I rolled my ass out of bed and went to boot camp. I kept the very out of shape and heavy older woman company as we walked and occasionally sorta half-jogged around the track. I didn’t keep her company to be nice, I did it cause I am that freakin out of shape. heh But, I feel alright. My back is a bit wonky but that’s ok.

How does one be positive? I try so hard and yet… I don’t know. I can’t seem to manage it in an ongoing fashion.

And: I am often in the car between 3:30ish and 6-ish very bored. Who likes talking on the phone? I have this phobia of calling anyone because so many of my friends are passionately anti-phone but surely I am not the only one who likes talking to people on the phone…

Looking for grateful

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*deep breath*

It was… quite a weekend. Lots of that processing shit, but a few large break throughs which really rocked.

Those of you who told me why you respect/love me–thank you. I keep rereading them and just knowing that you cared enough to respond is so awesome.

I still have the best husband ever. He is so incredibly supportive of my crazy that it just isn’t even funny. I win.

I have an upcoming visit with one of my very favorite Bostonians. YAY! It will be happening right on the heels of… my first ever trip to Vegas. I expect much fun and silliness and amazing as we are seeing Cirque (several shows) and Blue Man Group. 🙂 How is that for a Valentine’s present? 🙂

Stuff is still being hard, but I’m trying really hard to stop and see the wonderful in my life. I really am incredibly lucky.

Not pretty

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This is locked to a very small filter. I trust that the people who can read this will understand that no relationship is perfect and this is stuff going on for me and not any kind of indication that I should break up with Noah. This is a lot of vanity and arrogance and pretention wrapped up in a horrid little package.

Yesterday was the kinky flea. It happens 3 or 4 times a year. I’ve been going for a long time and I have some odd/mixed feelings about it. It is a primarily social event and one of the biggest that happens during the year in this area. I have long used it as a bolster for my fragile ego. When I go I specifically try to dress up and I get my ego strokes through the comments of people who are highly discriminating about who they are willing to call “pretty.” Highly discriminating in this case meaning “total assholes who are snobs about female beauty.” As much as I love and adore my friends, most of them are not really snotty about good looks. I don’t say that to be mean in any way. I desperately want that kind of validation for all sorts of fucked up emotional reasons. Anyway…

Noah and I got up and decided to go to the flea after having lunch at a fabulous Indian restaurant. It had been an uncomfortable night and uncomfortable morning as we talked about some hard stuff. We defaulted to waiting to eat at all until lunch. This was our first mistake of the day. See, when I don’t eat I become rather psycho. And I stop thinking clearly and I go through more and more rounds of self-loathing. The problem yesterday morning? Well… I couldn’t figure out what to wear. I needed wanted (let’s be realistic) something warm enough to keep me from freezing, something that I hadn’t worn a bazillion times, and something very figure flattering. The hardest piece there is “I haven’t worn it a bazillion times.” I haven’t done much fetish shopping in the past few years and my wardrobe is becoming increasingly limited if I don’t want to wear the same things over and over and over. After an hour of trying to figure out what to wear I was in tears and I slumped down against the door (my temper tantrums are rather pathetic and I try to do them behind closed doors so no one can see them) and cried thinking about how pathetic and stupid and ugly I am. I really hate that I do this to myself.

I finally reached the point of throwing up my hands and just put on a pair of jeans. Noah brilliantly suggested that we go eat before thinking about the rest of the day. Bless him. So we went and ate and I become something vaguely resembling human and rational. Only vaguely though. Then we got to start talking about why I was so upset and what the flea means to me. I told him that I would rather not go at all if I am not going to look good and impress people in the process. I realized how selfish I was being and I asked him what he wanted for the day. He said he wanted to go and be social and have fun. So I put on a boring outfit I have worn 3000 times and tried to suck it up. I maintained some level of cheerful, even if only on the surface, for most of the day. Then we saw Tom and his date and she was wearing the Slut of the Day collar (so named by a friend of Tom’s like 10 years ago because he puts it on everyone when they go out the first few times) and metal cuffs that we bought together. We searched long and hard for cuffs that I could wear for a significant length of time without having problems before we found them. It really *hurt* to see her wearing them. We left fairly quickly after that because my mood was shot and I couldn’t fake cheerful anymore.

We then went and did some Christmas shopping at Good Vibes and sat down and looked at a coffee table type book about breasts for a while. Talking about the models and the pictures lead me down some lovely unhappy thought trails. On the way home we started a conversation that really sucked ass through a straw.

I have always had this hang up. I want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the Most Awesome partner for my partners that they can possibly imagine. Well… I was all kinds of self destructive and brought this up with Noah. Well… I’m not. And it hurts like crazy. The way things ended up the attitude is that I am the best possible partner he has ever met and he wouldn’t trade up on any of the individual points because the overall balance is the best he has found and would not be willing to compromise on some of the ways that I am really good. It’s very weird because I feel very confident that Noah isn’t likely to leave me for someone prettier, but it hurts like crazy that he thinks there are prettier women. It hurts so much.

This is all so stupid because when I think about Noah it isn’t as if I have a mental checklist of “Perfect” that he matches point for point. He is just so wonderful in general that any area where he isn’t the best ever doesn’t matter in terms of the big picture. I can know that about our relationship in terms of me looking at him and not feel like it is diminishing him, but him thinking that about me makes me feel like a failure. This is so hard because at this point it isn’t like I am going to leave him over this. It isn’t even an option at all. But god I hurt. And I don’t know how to fix it.

Hey wait… I have 5 free minutes?!

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I would like to make this in-depth. We’ll see how much I manage in the next few minutes.

I’m such a roller coaster. My life is great and wonderful and incredibly frustrating so I’m up and down more than I like. For example: this Saturday I started out in a terrible mood for no specific reason. I was just feeling horrible and awful. I was assured that I wasn’t actually taking it out on Noah, but I was sure being pissy near him. *sigh* Then I got a call from my beloved stand in mom, ditenebre (did that code work?) saying she had comp tickets for Dickens Fair that we could have for this weekend. Originally I didn’t think we would be able to go on Saturday given the list of things we wanted to get done in the day, but she wouldn’t be there on Sunday so we decided to make it on Saturday despite the inconvenience and my general pissiness. I decided to wear my corset cause… well, I could. And it was an attempt to feel dressy cause I don’t get to do that much these days.

We were both so happy we went. The day there was wonderful. I got to be reminded that there are actual real live groups of people who like me! Dude!! I feel very isolated most of the time lately and it is hard to remember that people like me. At Dickens we couldn’t walk 3 minutes without someone being ecstatic to see me and often jumping up and down before hugging me hard. My self esteem drastically needed that. I felt happier than I have been in a while, and I haven’t exactly been miserable lately. A hot girl at Dark Garden played dress up with me and I ended up leaving with a sheer gorgeous black shirt that sorta barely covers me, but is entirely flattering in the process. And hey–said hot girl dressed and undressed me several times. I so win. Many hot and lovely boys flirted with me like crazy. I very sadly had to turn down the many kisses offered because my cold sore isn’t completely healed yet, but I was quite flattered that I was having to turn them down constantly. 🙂 Oh baby the flirting rocked. 🙂 When I finally got to Fezziwig’s I was passed from boy to boy to boy and that rocked. I did have it reaffirmed to myself that it isn’t that I miss dancing that much, I miss dancing with terpsichoros. He taught me how to dance and I can follow his lead better than any one else’s. I like dancing with other people, quite a bit even. But with him I feel light and graceful and beautiful. Thank you honey for introducing me to dancing. I will never be able to repay the debt I owe you.

So many other lovely and wonderful people. Miss barelyproper did my hair and I left it in all weekend and was thrilled. And and and… too many people to name. I love you all. I was so happy to see you. I was asked if we would be returning and told that as a bribe people could arrange comp tickets to get me there. 🙂 I am strongly considering it. One day may not have been enough. I am so grateful that ditenebre gave me the opportunity to go. Thank you. I really needed that.

And then on Sunday we got a Christmas tree!!! That rocked. It was a serious pain to put up and it still seriously leans. *grin* It’s as non-straight as I am! Then Noah’s dad called. … Intimidating much? It was a very interesting conversation. He went a long way towards repairing the anger I was feeling in his direction and expressed a great deal of support for my position with regards to Noah’s mom. I’m grateful for that. He is right that I don’t really understand his position, but I’m glad he is willing to understand how hard I have worked to get away from people like his wife. That made me feel much better, which in turn relieves some of the stress between Noah and I right now. Yay all the way around.

I have been forgetful like crazy lately and seriously beating myself up about it. But I’m trying really hard to get that under control. Cause despite my negative self talk, I am smart. I am capable. I am good at most of the things that matter in my life. I’m just also very overwhelmed. It’s ok that I make mistakes when i’m massively overwhelmed. 10 days till Christmas break.

Oh! And my AP (assistant principal) observed me yesterday. She had only positive things to say so far. We haven’t had the official sit down meeting, but when we walked past each other she stopped to note that I have really great classroom control and excellent relations with the kids. She specifically said, “You are great at noticing when someone gets off task and getting them back on track without it being a disruption of the overall class and the kids take it well which shows that you have a very positive relationship with them in general.” Still grinning about that. Yay!

And despite feeling like I was showing up with no plan or ability to be on task today I have managed to get everything together and organized and absolutely set for the next two days in time to finally update my lj. 🙂 Go me. And I found time to go get lunch with my buddy and I went over the entries for the MLK Jr contest and submitted my official judging ballot. Damn I’m on task today

Have I mentioned lately that I love my friends? And that I love my husband even more than all of my friends combined? We’ve been talking a lot about my insecurities (you know–all those things that live in my head and really aren’t about him despite the fact that they inadvertently affect our relationship?) and he is just so amazing. He is supportive and tolerant and he is getting WAY better at standing up for his own boundaries as he supports me. I couldn’t be prouder of him. 🙂 Yay. Ok, still feeling overwhelmed and that is scary. But my life is really good.

Mostly me babbling for myself cause I like records.

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The past few days have been quite a roller coaster of emotions. Dude. I realized sometime last night while feeling quite depressed and upset while snuggling up to a napping Noah that my stomach had been hurting ridiculously badly. Hey wait, my stomach pain seems to be related to severe stress. Not always, but often enough. Then I started thinking about Jaguar’s comment. Time to set some damn priorities.

So I got up and sorted my grading into: not grading, grading over Christmas break, and I should do it now. The do it now pile is quite diminuative and I did most of it in about 30 minutes last night.

I decided that I could let guilt over Noah’s family eat me from the inside out or I can recognize that they have had problems for decades longer than I have known them and this so isn’t my problem. He is going to make whatever decision about them that he feels is appropriate. I don’t have to like it. I am feeling more confident that he won’t force me to have unhealthy contact though. Yay for supportive partners!

I’m getting my feet under me with comp and lit so I don’t feel as unhappy in that quarter. My unit on A Raisin in the Sun is shaping up and I will be doing the next two units over Christmas break so I don’t have to stress about it during school time. Really this is all good news. My goal is to work the first week during the day and take the second week OFF. Damn the kids. 😉

And I’m out of BTSA. I fucked up on paperwork so all of those awful trainings I have done so far? Yeah… useless. I will have to do them again next year. But, I get a lot more time to myself this year. I don’t know if it was the best call or not, but I’m glad I did it. I need more time to myself right now.

And this weekend I want to decorate for Christmas! It’ll all work out. I have faith. And that Noah guy is still the bestest thing ever.

{inner circle} Hard stuff.

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This weekend a couple of things have come up which have been hard. Ok, so one didn’t exactly just come up now, but it was focused on with great force.

In therapy we were talking about how upset I am about the upcoming trip to Texas to meet Noah’s parents. I had originally asked for us to stay in a hotel so we could have more autonomy but through a series of unfortunate events it sounded like we were going to be at the mercy of his mother and her whims for the entire trip. Being me I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and was trying to brace myself for the trip. But the anxiety was getting worse and worse and worse. I ended up crying through a lot of therapy because I just can’t bare to be at someone’s mercy like this. I am so freaked out about meeting them, period, that I just can’t be at her beck and call the whole trip or I will freak out. But I’ve been really afraid of talking to Noah about this so he’s been assuming that I was fine with the arrangement.

I finally talked to him yesterday in the midst of my panic attack about how upset I was. How most of the problem was the control. I can’t really handle not being in control of where I am and how I’m getting around. He listened really well. He was willing to do whatever I needed in order to make this situation one where I am not doomed to misery from the outset. Lots more talking later and we are renting a car and getting a hotel room for some of the trip. (During the rest we get to sleep in an out building with a lock on the door so his mother can’t come wake us up before we’re ready.) I’m feeling much better. I’m nervous about how his mom is going to take the news, but that is going to be better than the alternative.

I’m still having a hard time with my family, but that shocks no one.

And yesterday I sucked ass at holding boundaries. I was trying to be supportive of a friend and I did it in a horrible way for me. I let her think encouraged her to think that it would be just fine if she used Noah as her standing ego boost. I shouldn’t have. I should have told her, actually no… Noah isn’t doing that kind of thing right now–neither of us are. But I didn’t. And now I’m scared that I am going to have to say it at some point in the future. I’m having a pretty hard time with the fact that I can’t figure out how to hold the boundaries I think should be in place right now. It isn’t that I am trying to take Noah off the market completely and forever, but I think we should develop a ‘we’ before adding in the complications of other people. It’s hard enough to deal with my insecurities without there being a person to point at and feel insecure about. I think I can learn to be secure here, but I’m not there yet. But I also don’t want to present myself as his jailor. 🙁 I want to be the carefree openly sexual girl but right this minute I can’t be.

baggage (navel gazing)

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Last night I cried the whole way home from work. Not from work stress and certainly not from any stress having to do with Noah. I was thinking about my family. When I got home I went into our bedroom and wrote a long letter to them. I don’t think I will send it until Mercury is no longer in retrograde though.

Thinking about it, I haven’t been properly attributing a lot of my upset lately. I’ve been feeling insecure about some of the poly stuff with Noah but I don’t think that is actually it. I’m hurting because of how my family treats me and that is trickling into everything else right now. I have every reason in the world to be secure in my relationship. I’ve also been looking back on archive stuff I wrote when I was with Tom. Holy crap. Wow that relationship was massively broken. I’ve been thinking about this because lately my memories have been very whitewashed. I tend to hold on to good memories and forget bad things. Tom only seemed so good because he was so much better than anything I had before that, but that doesn’t mean our relationship was actually “good.”

Wow. It is hard to believe how much better my life is now. And I am actually happier than I have been before. And realistically my life is going to keep getting better. Wow.

I am so lucky. I have the most amazing friends and the best husband ever. Ok, so I still feel unhappy about my family–but I have to keep that in perspective and not let it affect my perceptions of my life as a whole. Cause boy howdy my life rocks.

Random update

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I love my husband. He’s always pushing me to be better. He is willing to listen when I try to encourage him to be better.

Lots going on inside my head that I desperately want to talk about and I don’t have time or words. I so madly want to be able to figure this stuff out and I don’t think that will happen for a while.