Tag Archives: whining

Weather and exercise

It’s been absolutely gorgeous here and I am forcing my kids to be out in the yard as much as possible. I haven’t started moving all of my plants from the polytunnel to the yard (well, the ones I will move at all) yet because we keep having -1 at night still. I’m hopeful for next week. After next week I think it is do or die.

I’m using the treadmill. I am surprised by how much faster I go on it than I do on the road. I can do 4.5 miles on a treadmill going faster than 12 min/mile. I can’t do that on the road at all at this point. Although, I haven’t been on the road much lately and I don’t really know where I am. I have started using the TRX for PT again. It is fucking killing me. My shoulders are so fucked up. Doing the exercises means hearing grinding and clicking the whole way through. It’s almost exciting only it sucks.

I’ve been pushing too hard on gardening and painting the wood. My hands are a mess. They hurt more than they have since we got here. Ok, I found my limit. 14 hours of painting in three days after building a rock staircase… that’s too much.

I’m super unhappy that yet more things have broken in the house since my last fucking journal entry. This house is ridiculous.

I think we are going to start playing in the burn further up the road a bit. My neighbor is… being mixed in his signals. He tells me it is fine for my kids to go play on the other side of the fence then he erects barriers. I’m not sure if he is worried about us or the random other people I keep seeing on the driveway. Either way I’m going to stop listening to his words because most people are liars.

I broke my glasses and I’m still using them until replacements arrive. The focal point moves around while I wear them and I keep getting dizzy. This is super annoying.

We have gone through just about 5kg of flour in the last two months. Holy saucebuckets of baking, Batman. That’s on top of multiple kilos of self-raising and strong flour. Turns out baking is a stress activity for me?

I hope I stick with this, but when I run out of alcohol in the cupboard I want to not buy any for a while. I should probably pick a plan like T and say I can buy a bottle for my birthday, Yule, pick one or two other holidays during the year and other than that… don’t buy it. I am still not a problem drinker by Scottish standards but I am not happy about the weight I have put on and I strongly suspect it is alcohol related. I am exercising enough that I should see the numbers move. I’m not. Something needs to change and you will pry my cake away from my cold dead hands.

I’ll give up fucking meat before I give up cake.

So. First: booze.

The tap I got to replace the broken one in the bathroom is wrong and cannot be used. The tap I got to replace the broken one in the kitchen doesn’t fit because there isn’t enough space in the cabinet to install it. The lights I got to replace the broken one in the kitchen has the wrong facing on it. The powder room toilet seat just snapped off entirely.

I want to cry. I am so tired and so frustrated.

I don’t want to be nice.

I’m on my period and my back hurts so much I feel like I would like really heavy drugs. And a bath. And I can’t take a bath.

Fuck and fuck and fuck everything.

{heavily filtered} Triggers

Can I say that I'm getting fucking sick to death of how the word triggers is used?  Mostly I hear it mean: 'So this person is crazy and reacting to ghosts… it's not my problem that they are over-sensitive but I guess I can give a lame-ass "I'll try to respect your 'triggers'" line.'  Fuck you all.  No really.

I'm kind of tired of having people throw it in my face that they are trying to be "sensitive" to my "triggers".  Bitch you don't even know what the fuck that means.  By the way, I'm kind of angry.  Apparently having a trigger means that someone does the same asshole thing to you that someone else has already done.  Or at least caused you to think hard about the previous time and consider how you want to react this time.  People are so dismissive of "triggers" because it is a good way of saying, "You were already hurt here so it's not my fault you are hurting now."

Actually, an asshole act is an asshole act.  Lying is lying.  When you negotiate extensively for activity A and you instead engage in activity B… that's not a miscommunication and that's not about me being triggered.  

You want to know the "trigger" part?  My gut-level response to this behavior is to go sleep in a different bed and cry and assume there is nothing in the world that will change it.  Because that kind of lying is something that people just do.  I should stop listening to what people tell me.  There isn't a point.

Things that were effective coping mechanisms during your childhood are hard to abandon as an adult.  When someone lies to me, I have to withdraw trust.  Fast.  I have to shut down affection towards that person.  I have to stop being vulnerable because if they smell blood… I'm dead.

I suppose that triggering me means acting like my family.  So that I have to act like I do with my family.  It's not about a set word or phrase or experience.  If you act like my family… I have nothing for you.  

My family would set terms on who you can know.  If you had the audacity to want to be friends with someone they didn't like… well… that's going to result in nastiness, name calling, threats of abandonment (that aren't followed up on because the piece of shit bully is dependent on having you around to kick), and of course threats of suicide.  

Wow.  That all sounds like what I say and do when I tell Noah that I don't like him dating.  Ironic.  No wonder I feel like I shouldn't be saying no, no matter what.  Because I have this gut reaction of not wanting to be like them.  It's bad to say, "Actually this behavior is toxic to our marriage for 'x, y, and z reasons.'"  Because then I'm trying to control him inappropriately.  My adult spin on not wanting to be this person is to think that I should start shutting my mouth and putting my head down.

My family would rewrite history.  Oh, it's not that anyone lied.  We just miscommunicated, that's all.  No one ever has to be accountable for their actions.  That's why I have a scorched earth policy.  Someone who is going to lie to my face and then go behind my back and do something else all the while maintaining a dialogue with someone else that perpetuates a lie… wow.  I need to run, not walk away from that.  You want to know what a trigger is?

It's the sure knowledge that a liar is poison.  Someone who will lie to me… I can't know.  I can't be vulnerable with.  I can't pay attention to them.  I can't worry about what they want.  I know it will be a facade and I'll never know them anyway.  As soon as you lie to me, and then tell someone else that we "miscommunicated" well…  Yeah.  Ok.  The solution to this "miscommunication" is for me to assume you are lying going forward.  Sounds great.

I lie too.  I lie compulsively sometimes.  I say things in the heat of an argument that aren't true no matter how you look at them.  And I hate myself for it.  That makes me want to run too.  Because these topics are things that I can't be honest about.  So I'd rather not discuss them.

At any other point in my life this kind of behavior would be cue for an abrupt turn on my heel and exiting the premises permanently.  I would much rather leave than try to fix something like this.  My life is complicated now.

I understand a lot of things differently as life goes by.  I think about why women stay in domestic violence situations.  I think about why my mother and my sister are the way they are.  Why do they lie compulsively all the time?  They were taught to.  That's what hanging out with liars will do.  It teaches you to lie.  

The problem with being married to a sociopath is I am never sure if his vision of enlightened self-interest lines up with mine.  My best-interest is considered to the extent that he wants to manipulate the correct
behavior out of me, preferably while volunteering as little as possible.  Because the less he volunteers, the more control and power he has.  There are cracks in my Stockholm Syndrome.

It's hard having such extreme opinions about Noah.  Mostly I feel better about/toward/with him than anyone else on the planet.  And then sometimes I don't.

(ETA: the formatting is weird and I don't know why.)

Not as planned, but good

Yesterday I thought we had a doctors appointment at 10 and a friend coming over for dinner at 4:30. I felt stressed about finishing all the chores I wanted to get done and I was anxious. But it turns out I wrote the date wrong on the doctors appointment (I looked at the card again and it is really hard to read) and that’s the 7th. And the friend who was coming over to dinner forgot. So I got everything done and had time to write a long blog post and a long email to my lady friend! That was way better than I hoped for.

It also looks like the shed and motorcycle ramp will be leaving my yard this weekend. Woo!

I’ve been snapping at Noah like 345% more than I should. I kind of feel like he is the last man standing in terms of people I can take my foul temper out on. It really isn’t awesome. 🙁 On that note, I’m going to go put pants on and go to the gym. Hopefully I can run out some of this aggression. Wish me luck.

Comedy.of.Errors.

It feels like everything is hitting speed bumps today. My plans for today were: drop van off at mechanic, go home and paint. I woke up at 5am. It seems like that’s not an outrageous list of things to do.

Well. The van has uhm a few more issues than anticipated and I have been on the phone with 3 mechanics, my cousin 3 times, and the guy at the Toyota dealership 5 times. It also involved extensive web searches because holymotherfuckingshit do I not want to pay that many thousands of dollars on repairs today. My cousin, who has been an active mechanic for better than 40 years, says I am getting a good deal and I really really need to do those repairs today or I will be sorry. He has yet to steer me wrong so I’m taking his advice. Even though I want to cry about how expensive this is. Did I mention that tomorrow we have to drop the Prius off for maintenance? 🙁

I ran out of paint after an hour of painting because I didn’t take into account that this is drywall with one coat of primer. It’s thirsty. Noah brought home more and I haven’t been able to touch it because I’ve been busy with other things. Working on the ceiling with Calli on my back made my head, neck, and back hurt so much I want to cry.

We let Shanna help. Of course in the first three minutes she stuck a finger full of blackboard paint (it’s grainy) into her eye necessitating lots and lots of eye flushing while forcibly holding her down as she kicked and screamed. Yeah, that makes my whole fucking day. 🙁 But it was really important. Then we cuddled for a bit to kind of recalibrate.

I have gotten over hungry more than once today and that does really bad things for my mood.

I figured out why our garage is flooding! I thought I had already fixed the problem, but today’s torrential downpour is showing me way more about the problem. Noah and I both worked in the rain trying to get it so that it stops actively flooding Right Now but I have many days of dirt moving ahead of me and I want to cry thinking about it. I will not be painting that wall or ordering the carpet until this problem is truly *fixed*. Ugh.

Calli is teething and whining. And clingy. So.Very.Clingy.

And I’m sober. Sober fucking sucks. My adrenaline is through the roof because of stupid little shit going wrong all day.

And this is with help. This would be why I haven’t started any of the things alone. 😛

The best things in life are free

In September I turn 30. On this birthday my annuity payments will come to an end. It will mean a larger than 10% drop in our income of tax free money. This is gonna hurt. I’m looking at our budget stuff very carefully. This is going to mean a fairly significant lifestyle scale back. How irritating. I mean, this is a first world problem. We are still going to have substantially more money than the vast majority of Americans. (I will point out that we also don’t live in Boise so our mortgage is None Too Cheap.) We will be fine and all, but this trip to Europe is our last international travel for quite a few years. I’m going to make the most of it! That’s a lot of why I’m staying for four full weeks. Airfare is about 50% of the total cost of the trip and that’s kind of scary because hotels there are really pricey.

I haven’t really had to actually budget. Things just kind of worked out. Now I do. Damnit. Good thing I will never get pregnant again. Between all the health care costs and our increased eating out and maid service… well… that was most of the annuities. 🙂 … Actually, I just did the math. We spend almost 1.5 times the annuities on pregnancy. Good damn thing that’ll never happen again! And Shanna was even more because of the hospital transfer. Holy shit. Maybe I’m not worried after all. 🙂

It is getting worse

I am getting way more sick as time goes on. As are both girls. The stupid neti pot made it so I can almost breathe but did nothing for the pain. Calli is up, crying, choking, and spitting up like crazy. My head hurts so bad. I got less than three hours of sleep cumulatively after going to bed at 7:30. Today is going to be miserable. whine. whine. whine. 🙁

+/-

+ Someone should be arriving in about half an hour for a play date
+ Great dinner with friends last night. Shanna was an angel.
+ Lots and lots of productivity this morning. I’m impressed with myself.
+ Feeling energetic and social. It’s nice.

– My laptop screen is dead. It fell off a very high shelf. Not sure if we can replace it ourselves and can’t really afford sending it in for repairs. Fuck.
– Shanna destroys stuff almost as fast as I can clean. It’s hard to find my zen with this.
– Even when I’m very productive there is still more to do and more and more and more and… it gets overwhelming.

Wants vs Reality

I want to travel! I want to go on a long train ride to somewhere I have never been. I think that would be wonderful.
Reality? If I were to travel it would be to drive back to Arizona to help Sarah unpack. But that’s not a financially good decision right now. (Noah will be taking unpaid time for the next birth so we have to be more frugal than usual.)

I want to clean and organize my whole house! I want to go to the nursery and pick out a bunch of plants for the yard! I want to figure out more nifty decorating stuff for the living room!
Reality? Once again I hit that wall of money. Damnit. I also have this little problem of if I am too physically energetic I feel shitty for days and I am at the start of a long week with Shanna. It would be foolish to kill of my energy reserves early.

I want cute clothes!
Reality? Maternity clothes are f’in expensive and mostly ugly. So yeah, not a lot of point there.

I want to go to parties! I want to have sex! I want to be social!
Reality? Babysitting is in short supply. Most of the parties we are invited to are not kid-friendly. Sex just… doesn’t work the way I want it to. Being social requires that I have more people in my life who are less flaky.

Fuss! 🙂 And thus I whine on the internet.