Tag Archives: yay

Failure and growing up

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I think that the best thing I have gotten from Noah (other than a cushy life and two of the best kids on the planet, of course) is a willingness to fail. I have recently jumped off a lot of cliffs in terms of trying things I’m not good at. I’m cooking from scratch with whatever random ingredients I have around and I’m adding spices and things turn out ok or awesome. When something sucks I think, “Ok… this didn’t quite work. Why not?” Instead of, “I’m so stupid and pathetic. I should never have tried this. I obviously failed because *I* am a failure.” It sounds kind of melodramatic when I phrase it that way but that’s been my internal dialogue for most of my life. I’m not doing that–I want to say any more but that’s not quite true–as much as I used to. Now when something fails I look at it as an opportunity to learn more about the process and what I should do next time. I keep trying until I figure it out and I have fewer temper tantrums. Far, far fewer temper tantrums. I feel kind of embarrassed admitting out loud how often I have had temper tantrums through my adulthood when I fail at doing something. But that’s just kind of naturally scaling back. And part of it is just that I’m getting older and lowering my standards, but mostly it is that I am just plain more ok with failing being part of learning.

And that’s because of Noah. I don’t know what I did right in my past lives to deserve him, but please God I hope I never fuck this up.

I didn’t really think this would happen a second time…

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We won an all expense paid international trip. To Mexico. After the trip to Ireland I thought I had shot my wad on this kind of luck for this lifetime.

So this year I will be traveling to France, England, Scotland, and Mexico. That’s pretty fucking cool.

(I don’t have all the details yet. I’m being mailed a package. I have to ‘register’ (whatever that means) within 30 days but the trip can be anytime in the next year. That’s what I know right now. That’s an awesome thing to know!!

Full of awesome

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Today my mom group (which is becoming just a group of friends who hang out together a lot) spent over an hour talking about sex and I got to give several little mini-lessons on different kinds of sexual practices. It made me so happy. 😀

Grateful

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I’ve been reconnecting with a lot of friends from high school. It’s remarkable how time has changed us (and not). The big thing that keeps coming up for me is how very lucky I am. My life is exactly where I want it to be. My life is very good. I have complete confidence that once I get passed this immersive newborn experience that I will get back to the grown up stuff that is part of me as well. I’m happy. Guess I kicked the crap out of that postpartum depression. 🙂 [Or I just had baby blues and I’m paranoid because I’ve spent so much of my life depressed. Either way it seems to be over.]

Instead of feeling fussy and bitter about “Oh god I’m turning 30” I feel like I am heading into the best decade of my life. Life is so good. 🙂

The person I helped…

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This was the message I got on MDC:

“To the mama in CA!

Thank you so much. We got your box yesterday and oh my- when we saw the UPS truck pull up we knew it had to be from some lovely mama here but then watching the delivery man struggle w/it was almost too much! It was just so big! DH went down to get it- good thing he was home, I never would have been able to bring it up all the stairs we have, and brought it straight up to our room. We coud not wait to open it!

Everything inside was great and DH made 2 comments that made my heart melt- 1) “I feel like a kid on Christmas morning!” (he was so excited and relieved) and 2) “I can’t believe just one person sent all this- she’s amazing!” My thoughts exactly. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We’ve had a really bad week this week with our oven going out on Monday (luckily we rent and don’t have to worry about fixing- but do have to deal with a lazy rental co.) and our plans for a homebirth going out the window (it’s just too bad this little isn’t due a month or two later- the issue would be null and void, we’d have the $$ from taxes) and just a general heartbreak on that.

BUT your package came just at the right time to bring a bit of holiday cheer, hope and a better out look even just for the moment!

Thank you and bless you! ”

My Christmas was made. 😀

Thankful

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Steph asks what people are thankful for. So here’s a partial list:

I’m thankful that I have a home. I’m thankful that if I decide I need something I can pretty much universally go out and get it. I’m thankful that I never again will have to worry about where my next meal is coming from barring some major natural disaster. I’m thankful that my children are happy, healthy, and good sleepers. I’m thankful that my husband is tolerant of my many and varied ‘issues’. I’m thankful that I am making new friends who are in the same place in life and who are pretty open minded about the ways in which we differ. I’m thankful that Noah tolerates me getting rid of huge quantities of stuff with regularity. I’m thankful that not only do I have plentiful food I have food that tastes so good. I’m thankful for my lovely MacBook that works and has no irritating quirks. I’m thankful for my Sarah! She delights in many of the same things I delight in and listens to so much babble. I’m thankful that with each passing year this house feels more and more comfortable for me to be in.

I’m thankful for all the people who remember me with love. And on that note, I have a phone call to make.

Maybe I should drink more.

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How’s that for sounding like an alcoholic in training? We got drunk together last night and it was glorious. We giggled and talked about silly stuff and serious stuff and realized we were getting sober again and fussy and drank some more! Then we had pretty darn awesome sex. And this morning I’m in a better mood than I’ve been in for quite some time. I think this is the first time I’ve been drunk in something like a year and a half. And I think there has only been one or two other times I’ve drunk more than a glass of wine in the past three years. I’m not actually in danger of alcoholism. 🙂

And… just because I’m a shit… I had a moment yesterday of feeling like an awesome parent with an awesome kid. We went to the tea shop for lunch at Shanna’s request. She behaved perfectly. She was a delight to behold (as every little old lady there told us). And then another little girl came in who was just a little older. The girl was extremely rude to basically everyone around her including her mom, the server, and to a lesser extent Shanna. After the girl was rude to server the server brought Shanna extra cookies saying, “Because you have been so wonderfully patient.” It was kind of funny. I was super thrilled given how much of a turkey butt Shanna has been at home lately. Ha. Save the good behavior for out in public–that’s ok. 🙂

It’s the little things

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Today is our fourth anniversary. Obviously we will not be going out to celebrate. So instead my wonderful, considerate, thoughtful husband made me breakfast in bed. Not just any breakfast in bed! He went to my favorite tea shop and got my favorite tea and their spectacular home made lemon curd and we had scones with all the trimmings and cucumber sandwiches. I feel so loved. 🙂

Adjusting is slow

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Hoo boy. All the people who said that going from 0-1 is way harder than 1-2 must not be talking about the first week. The first week with just Shanna was pretty damn blissful. We all hung out on the bed together and didn’t do much. We alternated who was napping and it was awesome. Uhm… it’s not like that this time. Shanna has So Much Energy. And keeping her from jumping on the bed (HELLO! Healing from internal wounds here!!!) is difficult. Other than that she’s just pushing boundaries slightly more than usual but really she’s not being out of line at all. So yeah. We aren’t as patient as we should be, but we are both working on it. She is quite in love with Calli. 🙂

Thank all the stars in the heaven for tandem nursing. Given how much the rest of me hurts I was about ready to flip my lid when my boobs started hurting last night because my milk came in. So I called my trusty, always hungry, toddler over. Insta-relief. (Yes, there is still plenty of milk for Calli.) Every minute of discomfort while nursing through pregnancy has already paid off. 🙂

We are trying to figure out a sleep schedule that will allow me to heal as quickly as possible. It’s a challenge. I have so much going on in my brain that it takes me forever to fall asleep, nearly an hour after each wake up when I can normally fall asleep in under five minutes, so that’s extra challenging.

I sorta went against orders and took a shower today. My stench was seriously bothering me. For those of you who are childfree, when you have a baby you then have basically hot flashes for a while as you sweat out a lot of the extra fluids you have been carrying around. This is not pretty. But a shower (ok, I sat in the tub with the shower nozzle on because I can’t stand and being submerged isn’t a great plan yet) felt decadent. Huzzah for hygiene.

We have a rather remarkable number of people bringing us food. I cannot express properly my gratitude. I think that I will karmically owe food to every newly delivered mother I ever hear about for the rest of my life. It feels really awesome.

Noah is the most amazing, supportive husband I can imagine having. He has earned so many brownie points that it will be decades before I return them all. I guess I’m going to have to stop whining about his night off. He’s earned several years worth of them recently.

I’m tired and my physical recovery is predictably slow. Walking to the bathroom is easier. Returning a plate to the kitchen is still a stretch and if you’ve seen how small my house is that’s pretty sad. I could not stand long enough to dry off after the shower. After not standing during the shower. Ugh. I’m not feeling patient with this. But it’s only been three days. I need to give myself a lot more time. I feel perkier while I am sitting in bed. Once I am vertical my bravado is revealed.

Calli is… mostly asleep really. 🙂 But she’s sweet and we are already fond of her. Yay hormones.

Whoo hoo!

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So a few years ago I did an interview as part of a documentary about Insex–one of the most explicit bdsm porn websites in existence. I got an email from a friend this morning saying that I was the first voice in it. Now I have to actually watch it. 😀 The documentary is called Graphic Sexual Horror and I’m super excited to see it. I find it kind of hilarious that the last bit of my baby-waiting period will be spent squeeing about being in a porn documentary. (Uhm, I’m just a voice. I was still teaching at the time and I wasn’t comfortable having my face filmed.)

So sweet

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Last night I got to babble like mad at two wonderful people I don’t see often enough. That was really awesome. I really enjoy listening to smart, educated people going off at great lengths about their passions. It gives me this strange feeling of pride when I realize that people that smart want to be friends with me. 😀

And today I was given a surprise by the mom-group I’ve been hanging out with. It’s a banner made out of construction paper with inspirational sayings for birth. Things like:
Blessed be this birth
Strong and gentle all the way to pushing!
Each wave brings me closer to having my baby in my arms
I can & I am!
I can do anything for one minute
Settling; Surrendering; Letting Go
Courage; Faith; Patience
Pain is a wave… I let it wash over me and then it is gone
My baby is big but my vagina is HUGE!

I feel quite blessed that these women have joined my life. 🙂 I hung it up over the birth tub and I keep looking at it and feeling a sort of vague hug. As an adult, and especially as a mother, I feel a very different need for the camaraderie of women. As a child and teenager I strongly preferred men/boys. I like this evolution process.

Late pregnancy is not my friend

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I was up from 3:30 to 5:30 dealing various uhm physical complaints. Not my favorite. It really is good that I have my wonderful sunshine girl here to remind me of just how worthwhile the suffering is. I’ve been feeling extra schmoopy about Shanna lately even as I have zero energy to play with her and entertain her. I’m feeling some feelings about losing the ‘only’ experience. It has been so very wonderful to be able to just focus on her for the last two years. I’m feeling nervous about having to split my attention.

TBD is moving much less just lately. It’s pretty common for babies to calm down just before labor so I’m petting my belly and saying at least another week. (The birth tub doesn’t get here till next Monday.) 4 more days until I am technically eligible for a home birth. eeeeeek.

Noah is still the best boy ever. I am so so so so lucky to have him in my life. <3

In today’s edition of “My Cute Kid”

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So Shanna’s birthday is on Monday. We are having the aunts and uncles over for dinner on Sunday. I asked her if she wanted a cake for her birthday and she was completely adamant that she wanted cupcakes. Fair enough. Then we get down to that eternal battle… vanilla or chocolate. I tried to talk her into vanilla by explaining that vanilla is my favorite. She categorically refused to consider not having chocolate. She explained to me that it is Daddy’s favorite. Right. I can see how the wind blows around here.

I got started with the process while she was still napping. Basically what I did was premeasure everything into small bowls so that she could do all the combining herself. She was really excited about doing that and was looking forward to it all day. When she woke up she came out and we got started in earnest. She did a fabulous job. I was quite impressed. She didn’t grab at anything (one of our more frequent counter issues) and she was extremely careful when she poured. In fact she did substantially better than me because I got flour everywhere. When that happened she told me in a very stern tone of voice, “Mommy! You need to be careful!” I was torn between glaring at her and giggling so I gave her a very tiny dirty look while I smiled. “Yes honey, I need to be more careful. You are right.”

When I finished putting the batter in the cupcake shells she acted like she died and went to heaven. She got to lick the beater and the bowl. I think this is her favorite part. 🙂 Now the cupcakes are in the oven and a friend is making me vanilla cupcakes this weekend because I whined on facebook. Hilarious and awesome. Yay!

Tomorrow I get to put the finishing touches on Shanna’s play kitchen. There is no doubt in my mind that she is ready for it. I think that her helping in the kitchen is going to expand tremendously at this point because she is far more mature about it than I thought.

ETA: I totally forgot to say the super cute part! I often absentmindedly sing, “There Are No Cats In America” from An American Tail. Shanna is now wandering around singing “There are no cats in Mary with cheese”. I can’t stop giggling. 🙂

Exhaustion

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I am so tired I can barely move. Doing manual labor from 9:30 am yesterday till about 6 pm was really really hard on my body. But! I’m thrilled with the progress. I took (mostly) before pictures and I’m taking pictures today and I will take more pictures as I go of the Great Gardening Project of 2010. My cousin’s boyfriend laughed at me when I told him this project has been like 4 years in the making and we just haven’t gotten it done. He’s not the sort to ‘not get to’ projects. Which is why I like that I can pay him to come to my house and work. 😀 I will post pictures at some point.

A friend was supposed to bring me seeds this morning but she woke up not feeling well and canceled. Not so secretly I’m kind of glad I don’t have a complete full day of work. I woke up way too early (5:30) but started cat napping at 7:30 and really fell asleep by about 8:30 and didn’t wake up till 10. This is why my house is thoroughly toddler-proof so Shanna can’t get in too much trouble. 😛

My cousin and her boyfriend will be here around 1:30 and I have this ridiculously massive guilt complex about having them here working and not working myself so that is the end of my slack time today. I’m starting to feel slightly nervous about the semi-busy weekend we have planned. I think I will not stir from the couch on Friday in complete exhaustion. The cousin/boyfriend will be here today and tomorrow. Then my wonderful Taylor will be here Thursday and I will be getting a massage. I am going to need it so much. But Taylor likes to keep busy and do stuff around the house so I will probably save like one or two projects for him so he can feel all useful. I’ll see if there is anything that needs a tall person. 😛

I’m really really feeling the excitement and joy that comes from productivity this week. I receive such a strong boost of self confidence when I am productive. It’s kind of funny.

Weekend Report!

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We went out on a hot date on Friday! Whoo hoo! We went to the swinger party at Edges. I discovered that I am really not in a position to be doing any play with other people. I had this visceral, physical, instinctive feeling of NOT THE DADDY when a playmate touched me even slightly. I just couldn’t handle that. So I only played with Noah and I had a great time. I was quite thrilled to be the initiator of a bunch of other people getting lots of play though. 🙂 That was really fun for me in the space I was at.

The only problem with such events is they keep us up very late at night and Shanna is not interested in sleeping in. 🙂 We spent Saturday very zombielike not getting much of anything accomplished and it felt wonderful. We have both been needing some together-slacker time. We also had hot sex again for the third time in a week. I am pretty sure last week involved more sex than the whole rest of this pregnancy combined. I’m feeling physically much better. 🙂 Yay for second trimesters.

On Sunday I went up to Mo’s Tea Party in San Francisco. This was not a kid-friendly event so Noah and Shanna got to have a date at the Discovery Museum. 🙂 I had a really great time. I got to catch up with folks I like and meet a bunch of new-to-me people. I stepped pretty far outside my normal comfort zone and it was a really good thing. It was a thoroughly excellent event all around. 🙂 Then I went over to Wicked Grounds for some real food (I had not had much real solid food all day that wasn’t sugary and by 5pm that’s a problem) and had an awesome sandwich. 😀 I also got to enjoy fun, festive, sassy conversation with a fair sized crowd of wonderful people. I think all of whom are on lj. 😀 Thanks everyone! I felt very included and loved. It is nice to remember that when I get out of my house there are still lots of really neato people who are happy to talk to me. 🙂 Whoo hoo! One of the people said she would be thrilled to take bart down to come visit with me and Shanna and someone else said, “I’m sorry I never visit… but at least I never promise I will!” Both comments were awesome in very different ways. 😀

Slave labor

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Shanna has been very enthusiastically trying to help ‘clean’ the kitchen lately using our broom/dustpan. The problem is that the adult broom is big enough to whack her in the head and she cries constantly and she loses/hides my dustpan which royally pisses me off. So yesterday she got her own broom and dustpan. She’s so excited! She is moving around the kitchen telling us, “Shanna is helpful girl! Shanna cleaning!” Now we just need to work on her technique so that she actually does some cleaning instead of just moving things back and forth on the floor. 🙂

Oh MY GOD!!

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I am so excited. I managed to get reservations to The French Laundry. Then I managed to arrange babysitting for Shanna so we can stay overnight. Then I found an awesome B&B. This is going to be a rather expensive weekend (it blows our ‘fun’ money budget for ohhhh six months) but it will be worth it! I am so excited I can barely sit still!!!

Oh man. Now I have to figure out what to wear. I’m just pregnant enough to look really fat (and not be able to wear most of my awesomest clothes) but not pregnant enough that I have that “awww what an adorable pregnant belly” thing going on. It’ll be great! I don’t care!

Happy dance!